Shattered

I'm not one to post quick and dirties, normally I will think a post out, write it, read it, and edit it... But tonight I'm too tired and frustrated, so here it is. Tonight I relearned, for the millionth time, that no matter how genuine, how loving, or how pure an intention- it matters not. Reality is, that everyone else has their own best interest at heart first and foremost. This is apparently quite normal. So, what I need to learn, as fast as fucking possible, is how to quit giving a fuck about other people before me. That sentiment will NEVER be returned. It doesn't mean I shouldn't care about others, I get that, it just means that I will never be #1 in anyone else's book, so I better fucking figure out how to be #1 in my own. I understand this is probably elementary to most, but godfuckingdamnit how many times do I need to be soul raped before I get that?!! Ughhhh. I am so fucking hurt, angry and frustrated, and I have no one but myself to blame. I will learn this, if I have to spend the rest of my days alone to get it. Fucking eh.

***Next morning addendum
Going to sleep hurt and angry will really effect a person's dreams.  After posting this, I fell into a fitful sleep that brought on dreams of clarity.  While I love and respect people in my life, I have not been doing the same for myself, this is why I often feel frustrated with the way that people treat me.  The saying shouldn't be treat others as you want to be treated, but rather, treat YOURSELF as you want to be treated.  I am conscious of this now and will be working towards developing higher standards for how I treat myself.  In essence, I need to learn to honor myself, and in theory, people will do the same.  I have taught every person in my life how to treat me, including those who continually hurt me, I allow this to happen by not honoring myself...hence having no one but myself to blame.  I believe in the power of connection and unconditional love, but because I have thus far failed at providing that for myself, I have yet to experience it outside of myself.  What a ridiculous circle.

Last night in my dreams, I was able to stand outside of myself and watch both how I allow things to unfold for myself as well as experience, almost in a third person sort of way, what that does to my psyche, my heart, and my thought process.  It felt realllllllllly icky in dreamland, and feels even more gross now that I consciously recall it.  I want it to go away.  But, like everything else in this life, it ain't just gunna happen.  Forging new connections in my brain takes both footwork and time...if only it were as simple as flipping a switch.  Sometime I just really wish someone would hold MY hand.

Peachy

As I put a crazy busy week to rest yesterday, I sat down on my couch in the silence that was my first hours of alone time in probably ten days.  I have been over scheduled every day, and...if I am honest, it was mostly purposeful.  I was afraid of what might come from the solace... emotion...sadness...feeling like a failure...just fear in general.  And, I was pretty much on point with that.  The quiet was heavy, almost crushing.  All the anxiety I felt all week bubbled up inside me.  I let my mind wonder, noticing where it went as I let it roam off the leash.  I questioned what I have felt in the last 6 months, I wondered if I had just told myself some fairy tale and if any of it were at all real in the first place.  I wondered... if it was real, and I really did feel the things I felt, would I ever get to experience any of that again? I scolded myself for being such a fool.  I told myself it was never as earth shaking an experience for her, and that like all of my other failed attempts at relationships, I was never going to be what she wanted or needed.  Which made me wonder...am I what I want or need for ME? I wondered if I am destined to be by myself, will I never figure this thing out?  I questioned the validity of the statement 'meant to be'.

The self judgement that goes hand in hand with living in the same body as my brain is really tough to deal with at times.  I realize part of the reason I had never really fallen in love before was because I had never really let myself truly fall, never really let myself completely experience the range of emotion that is the unconscious act of falling in love.  The reason for that is simple- because I had always been scared of feeling the way that I do now.  That lost, lonely, loser feeling that comes when a part of ones life suddenly changes.  I have no anger about the situation, and there is a tiny sliver of my soul that believes this is not the end, but the beginning of something greater than my wounded tunnel vision can see right now.  There is much more to experience, to feel, to take in...and as much as I am judging myself for feeling the way I feel right now, for having to commit any of this shit to type, in the interest of transparency for this blog and myself I will do it.  I realize I am only scratching the surface at the moment, but at least something is coming out...

I just wish the icky, shitty, self esteem stuff would take a hike. I know that this is all part of the process, it will get better, those feelings of failure will fade over time, BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.  I want to just cry it out...have one good heaving, snotty, blurry eyed cry about it all, but right now, that all seems blocked. It seems like it's all frozen in one big lump in my chest.  It's uncomfortable, and annoying.  And then there's that whole lesson part...mother fucker. I need to figure that out. I do not want to continue repeating this lesson, I suppose if there is any anger, it is surrounding my apparent inability to figure out what the fuck I am supposed to be learning...it is so incredibly fucking frustrating, because I know the answer lies within me...it's kind of like holding two puzzle pieces that fit together if only I could line up the correct edges so they snap together. 

Not everything can be peachy all the time, as much as I sometimes wish that were the case. 
We all have our moments of feeling less than stellar about ourselves...it just so happens that I promised myself to keep record of the peachy times and the ones that aren't so awesome.  I read somewhere this morning that sometimes tiny pieces of ourselves have to die in order to make room for rebirth, renewal and reinvention.  So, I guess I should just sit with this sad, lonely, empty feeling for a bit and see where it leads.  My eyes are open, even if my heart is slammed shut...

Ebony and Irony

If you missed yesterday's Heavy post, pop back and peruse, it's short, and this one will be to...I am breaking toes left and right lately, tripping over life's irony and I thought I would share this latest bit, because it's so uncanny it is funny!

CAPRICORN Apr, 05, 2013
There is an ongoing problem you've been dealing with that has been on your mind a lot lately. It seems like you can't escape this problem. Even when you find a way to forget about it, it creeps back into your mind. And even when it seems to be solved, it recurs again. This is happening for a reason, Capricorn. Until you can figure out what you are supposed to learn from this experience, you can expect it to happen over and over. Pay closer attention to the lessons in your life, and you'll move beyond this issue.

Well, that pretty much blows my post from yesterday to bits, eh?!  I put in for a brain vacation and boom, I get my answer in black and white in less than 12 hours. Duly noted. Well played universe, well played. Sometimes, all I can do is sit back and have a great, big, belly laugh at myself...I recommend it, completely!  Even though my heart hurts and my brain feels scrambled, I guess it's time I get down and dirty to the nittiest of gritty.  If anyone needs me I will be over here in the corner, reminding myself that doing the work is hard, but the pay offs can be immense, if only I keep my eye on the intangible prize. Happy fuck yeah Friday, indeed!

Heavy

Ahh, that old, familiar, sinking feeling of change. After the last couple of weeks, I should be used to it...funny how the key to happiness is recognizing impermanence and thus letting go of the artificial feeling of attachment, but human nature is to avoid change and seek attachment.

I am at peace with the way things are, because it is what it is, but at the same time, I am sad, and judging myself for that sadness.  Although it is just change, it feels like loss. I have grieved the loss of relationships before, but each one is different, and two at once is infinitely more difficult.  All I can do is hold on and keep my eyes peeled for still more lessons on my journey.  There are days I envy those who seem to have completed their 'hard lessons' and are enjoying that blissful coasting period...I really, really want that...although with each lesson I learn I feel further away from it and wonder if that peace will ever be mine.  I also wonder what in me seems to continually catapult me in this cycle. 

I do know I have made every effort this past year or so to be true to myself, even if I have stumbled along the way, and still yet, I find myself right back at the starting point again.  As fucking impossibly hard as it has been, I have actually done me these past few weeks... and it was (and is) fucking painful, but I am proud to actually be doing it... no matter how tough.  I intend to stick with that, but at this moment...

I am tired. And weary. And scared.  I do not think I am tired enough nor scared enough to give up on myself, but I may take a little break from all this consciousness stuff, if only for a few days.  I want to disappear, and while I am away I would like my conscious self to work out all the heavy shit that is brewing inside of me.  Then, I can come back in a few days, refreshed and ready to start anew.

Of course, I know that won't happen, but...a girl can dream right?