Shattered

I'm not one to post quick and dirties, normally I will think a post out, write it, read it, and edit it... But tonight I'm too tired and frustrated, so here it is. Tonight I relearned, for the millionth time, that no matter how genuine, how loving, or how pure an intention- it matters not. Reality is, that everyone else has their own best interest at heart first and foremost. This is apparently quite normal. So, what I need to learn, as fast as fucking possible, is how to quit giving a fuck about other people before me. That sentiment will NEVER be returned. It doesn't mean I shouldn't care about others, I get that, it just means that I will never be #1 in anyone else's book, so I better fucking figure out how to be #1 in my own. I understand this is probably elementary to most, but godfuckingdamnit how many times do I need to be soul raped before I get that?!! Ughhhh. I am so fucking hurt, angry and frustrated, and I have no one but myself to blame. I will learn this, if I have to spend the rest of my days alone to get it. Fucking eh.

***Next morning addendum
Going to sleep hurt and angry will really effect a person's dreams.  After posting this, I fell into a fitful sleep that brought on dreams of clarity.  While I love and respect people in my life, I have not been doing the same for myself, this is why I often feel frustrated with the way that people treat me.  The saying shouldn't be treat others as you want to be treated, but rather, treat YOURSELF as you want to be treated.  I am conscious of this now and will be working towards developing higher standards for how I treat myself.  In essence, I need to learn to honor myself, and in theory, people will do the same.  I have taught every person in my life how to treat me, including those who continually hurt me, I allow this to happen by not honoring myself...hence having no one but myself to blame.  I believe in the power of connection and unconditional love, but because I have thus far failed at providing that for myself, I have yet to experience it outside of myself.  What a ridiculous circle.

Last night in my dreams, I was able to stand outside of myself and watch both how I allow things to unfold for myself as well as experience, almost in a third person sort of way, what that does to my psyche, my heart, and my thought process.  It felt realllllllllly icky in dreamland, and feels even more gross now that I consciously recall it.  I want it to go away.  But, like everything else in this life, it ain't just gunna happen.  Forging new connections in my brain takes both footwork and time...if only it were as simple as flipping a switch.  Sometime I just really wish someone would hold MY hand.