Tread Lightly

There is a lot of stuff rattling around in my brain, I am having a hard time putting it to words, but as each day passes, it gets more crowded up there, so I guess I better try to let some of it out...

I refuse to falsify resolutions and/or conclusions in the interest of 'being done with it'. While it is 1,000,000 times more uncomfortable to do so, I will sit with a resolution until I've ratified it in my head. There is definitely gratitude in that.  Although, this process does tend to lead to making simple things complicated...and fuck, am I am all too familiar with that.  I am also familiar with taking on other people's shit...when I do that, I cover up my own, and hence provide myself with the necessary veil to ignore my own lessons.  I know that the awareness of all this comes as an aside to being conscious, which on most days I am grateful for, but I do sometimes wish I could just go back to compartmentalizing things...

Swimming through the dark and murky waters of my brain...  Thankfully, I know how to swim, but the water is cold and my muscles are getting fatigued...I have begun taking the necessary precautions to conserve energy, but nothing really cures that lactic acid burn except time at rest.  That's a tall order, how to rest while treading water...hmm, perhaps I should just put my feet down and see if I can touch the bottom. Focus. Remember, this all boils down to self. Self acceptance, self assuredness, self awareness. 

Loneliness is a construct of my own mind, instead of spending time and energy constructing feelings around that, use that space to recognize all it not lost.  Change is inevitable, challenge can be rewarding, and life does continue, even if it's on a completely foreign path...all I can do is turn my focus inward... damn it, sometimes I really wish I was an extrovert.  I wish I could process things externally, with people, as opposed to needing to be by myself, in my head...but only I can make myself a victim of my own mind, and so too, only I can make my mind work to my advantage. I know that I can at once be my own worst enemy and my own best cheerleader, and right now, I am really working on improving the way I do the latter for myself.

Broken hearts mend, and this experience will lend itself to clarity, conclusion, and resolution, eventually; but without that mental focus I could allow it to consume me, or to derail me, or to let it all to go whizzing right past me... The only thing I can guarantee myself at this moment, is that this, like so many other experiences I have written about before, will pass...and I am confidant that I will emerge having become a better person for it, even if I have no idea at this moment what that will look like.