A couple weeks ago I had a talk with each of my parents individually. I don't remember how each conversation started, but they were both about the same sort of things. Both my dad and my mom said they just really wanted me to be happy. They both want me to find my place. I agreed with them- not that I am unhappy so to speak... but I would say that I am discontent and that I have been feeling unfulfilled. It was really nice to have the chance to speak freely with them. I love my parents, I think that has been pretty obvious throughout this blog. My parents are definitely amazing people, I respect their opinions, I look up to them, I am proud to have them as my parents, and I want little else in life than to be the woman they can be proud to call their daughter. (You can call me sappy and lame, that's alright. It is the truth.)
I mentioned feeling a little like a failure to them both. Many people my age are now settled into careers, marriages, and many have children. I, on the other hand, have come through the last decade with very little to show for it. I have some of the 'things' on the proverbial check off list- I have a job, two in fact. I have a house. I work, I support myself... blah blah blah. I like my jobs alright... although they are like any other I have had... I have been at these two particular jobs for a little over a year and I am beginning to feel stagnant. There are no opportunities to move up at either and they are just beginning to feel stale. My house is kind of the same way- it is a fine enough house, but I am ready to go somewhere else, do something else. I am about to finish out my first year of being single in my adult life, and that too is beginning to get old. I am ready for a change- all the way around.
Of course, my parents are my BIGGEST cheerleaders. They re-frame the way I look at my 'achievements' and try desperately to help me figure out how to find fulfillment in what I have. They are concrete and solution oriented... something I WISH I could be right now... something I think they wish I could be at times as well... My mom said "You have always been the one to do things your own way, [the hard way]- but you have always figured it out, and you will figure this out too." God love the woman! There was a time when they were both so frustrated with the way I bang my head against the wall until I figure things out- they both tried desperately to teach me another way throughout my adolescence, but to no avail. The patience these two people have had with me my entire life is truly immeasurable-miles and miles more patience than I have ever had with myself- and I love them to bits for it.
I shared with my mom that it seems as though I have been stuck in this rut of fear for a while now- probably since I dropped out of grad school. I know that dropping out was the best decision for me at the time, and I do not regret it for even a moment, but it has set off this unsureness in me. It's like I have an idea of what I want my next move to be, but somewhere along the way I lost the ability to be sure of myself... I swim around with all of these fears and projections in my head about what could happen if I make a decision... It is not that I think I cannot do option A or option B, because if there is only one thing I know about myself it is that I can and will do whatever it is I set my mind to. It is more abstract than that- like what if I pursue this one thing that I think will make me happy, what if I make it happen, pour my heart into it and then come to find out it is not what I wanted either?! I know how ridiculous that must sound to some people- but it is a real and paralyzing fear to me.
Then I start really thinking. Wait a second dumbass- I am pretty sure that this true happiness and fulfillment you blabber on about constantly comes from WITHIN you- and once you have that, there will be a natural sense of contentment, and you will be happy with whatever you are doing where ever you are doing it. I have written extensively on the importance of doing the work on myself, but I am not sure it set in until I read the quote above... it's the work of BEING myself. It's giving up on this perfect image of what I think my life should be, because that image is what is holding me back from what my life is- something to enjoy and embrace. My mother reminded me that there are no mistakes, only experiences to carry forward. I know there are others out there who struggle with the same stuff... maybe not all of them stammer on about it in a blog, but I think we all go through the types of things that I share on here... which is why I am not embarrassed. I cannot apologize for my humanness. But I can embrace this life and share it.
I had a visit from an old friend this weekend and she flipped the ole 'life is short' cliche for me- "Life is long." She said, very matter-of-factly. And I must admit, I agree. Life is long; therefore we mustn't cheapen that experience by sprinting through it, we will wear ourselves out far before the 'finish line'. Equally notable, we cannot trudge along at a snail's pace so as not to disturb that image of perfection. Instead, take the time to drink in every drop AND enjoy every interaction... I have to remind myself of that constantly...I am where I need to be, and I will end up right where I am supposed to... I am not now and never will be a 'Jones', so why drive myself insane with the apples to oranges comparisons?
