I AM

Sometimes, it seems as though I am plugged in, like I am on top of my game, and everything seems real, and tangible and doable.  As is the case with life, the peak gives way to the valley and then contemplation sets in. In the interest of reminding myself that lessons will reappear in different forms at different times until I get it, I have written about my peaks and valleys before. All of these ups and downs, all the experiences, they are worthwhile to me, but no matter how many trips to the valley I make...no matter how much time is spent on the peak in between... the two experiences always seem so grossly oppositional. Sure, with each trip out of the valley, the peak seems more intense and beautiful, but correspondingly, the valley that follows seems so intensely dark and deep.  But, as best as I can tell... this is all part of the process of coming to the I AM...

I fooled myself at this last peak...I thought I would get to stay a bit longer, okay, A LOT longer... so I was in no way prepared for the decent.  At least I get that it is quality over quantity...This last peak was the most amazing and brilliant I have experienced to date. My monkey mind wants me to spin around in this valley and believe that nothing could be more beautiful, that it is all valley from here on out, because after this last peak NOTHING could EVER come close to comparing, let alone surpassing.  But, if I am to apply what I have been learning in this self imposed education on consciousness, I have to acknowledge that what came from the peak was the awareness that both the peaks and the valleys are evolving with me... and that these are necessary pieces to the I AM.

I think it is worth jotting down the intense amount of self judgement I am experiencing...All I can think about is- I am a gigantic fucking fool, I am stupid, naive, and angry.  I keep thinking, well, I got what I deserved... and I could go on, trust me.  What I know to be true in my head is that all of these thoughts are distractions from what I need to take away from this experience- I learned that I am actually capable of feeling an intense, deep, emotional connection with another human being, AND that the fear that held me back from experiencing this before is completely unfounded...sure, I am struggling right now, yes, this is hard. It fucking hurts, and no, nothing will ever be the same again, which seems so impossible to deal with because I want to focus on her. No one will ever be her, no one could possibly compare to her.  To think that I could find another connection to remotely rival this one is completely unfathomable to me. I am entangled in the attachment to her.  Fuck, will I ever learn this concept of impermanence?! I mean, it seems like it is at the root of ever fucking lesson! 

The reality is that I need to focus on what have I gained, what have I learned...I am not totally there yet, although I will get there, eventually.  I must stay aware that each valley is loaded with a million land mines of distraction, I can sit and spin in any number of them... why has it taken me so long in my life to experience such a blissful and beautiful connection?  And why the fuck did it have to disappear so fucking fast?  Why is this so god-damned hard for me to get? Why can't I just be fucking happy like so many other people I know? Why do I have to struggle every fucking step along the way? Why does it seem like I choose the most insanely difficult route at every single fucking fork in my life's road?

Well, the whys of any situation are completely subjective... I could ask any number of my friends to answer those questions for me, answer them for myself, and we would all have completely different answers depending upon the day and each of our mindsets.  All I can do to stop the spinning in my head is to acknowledge the beauty in the experience, and let that be the catalyst to lead me to the next one.  It's my attachment to this particular experience that keeps me spinning... and it's the spin that keeps me from being open to whatever is in front of me, because I get so distracted trying to look back.  It's hard to grasp that experiences are intangible, therefore they are never actually wholly ours to begin with and we cannot cling to them like some security blanket... because technically, there was/is nothing tangible to hold.  This process of coming to the I AM is so much more intense than I could have imagined...

Fatal Flaw

I am mentally and physically exhausted. This business of consciousness is no joke.  Staying aware of oneself requires so much focus and energy, I am to the point of aching. That being said, I am alright. I am good with being the pile on my bedroom floor in this moment.  I am mustering the energy to lift my head and survey the pieces.  They seem to all still be here, in fact... there may be a few extra I had not been in possession of before this last shattering.  This is good.  This means that at some point I will be able to re-assemble them into a new and more beautiful form of myself.  Well, that is a relief.  My ears are still ringing from the crash and my head is still foggy.  It does always seem to come from nowhere, taking me by complete surprise.  It isn't until after the fracture that I begin to see there were in fact warnings... missed signals and clues.  I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously ignore them...maybe somewhere in the depths of my mind I know it is coming, and allow it because I know that beyond those shattered shards lies another awakening...

It's a surreal feeling to be sitting amongst the splinters and slivers, cold and alone and scared, but aware at once that this process is necessary to continue on a path of transcendence. There is a great deal of mental chatter clamoring about in my mind. It is a chaotic cacophony of which I can make little sense, I am guessing this is where the exhaustion originates. But even amongst the chaos, even amongst the anxiety, through the exhaustion and fog, I am still somehow aware that I am okay.  There is a sense of calm that leaks in when I remember that I cannot know everything at once.  That what I am experiencing is pretty much nothing more than a MONUMENTAL learning curve with regards to life.  And there is opulence in knowing I am the only one I have to explain this to.  I do not need to go into great detail as to what I am experiencing.  This moment, like all others before and after it, is impermanent... EVERYTHING is ALWAYS subject to change.  The sooner I am able to grasp this, the sooner I am able to apply this to all things in my life, including attachment, the better.

I have been learning of late about my fatal flaw... and as those things go, I guess it isn't a horrible one to have... but it is a real bitch to see it staring me in the face.  Knowing what it is and knowing how to deal with it are two totally separate things... the latter is certainly the harder piece of the equation... I am confident that the having the awareness of it will help me to eventually function with it in some sort of healthy manor as opposed to the self destruction that was born out of my prior ignorance on the matter.  So, while I am confident that progress can be made, I am presently stuck in that frustrating, uncomfortable space... you know, the one I can imagine a young Luke Skywalker to have experienced when beginning his Jedi training.  I feel like that a lot these days.  Not gunna lie, it is pretty damned humbling to once again arrive at the conclusion that I don't know shit!  And, while I have arrived at that conclusion before, I think it will keep coming up for me until I can somehow grasp it deep down in the depths of me.  How exactly that happens, I do not know.  Until then, I will keep my eyes peeled for Obi and Yoda, and hang out here, shattered, but grateful on the bedroom floor.

Goodbye, Hello

Note- I actually began this post on New Years Eve, but hadn't finished until today.


Well, as it seems, the end of 2012 is post unapocalyptically upon us.  I awoke this morning in a retrospective sort of mood... stepping in the shower I began reviewing New Year's Eves past-what was I doing this time last year? Oh. Yeah.  What about the year before that? Oh. Yep.  As I got in my car to drive to work I started thinking about this past year in particular, where I have been, what I have experienced- mentally and physically.  I get to work, check my email, and then the ever-evil, time sucking book-face. And just as I log on, there's a link in my news feed-the title intrigues me, so I click the link.....Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea...

As I am reading the post I become more interested, the ideas in here REALLY ping with me.  I posted a while back about each of us having our own beautiful disasters- and this is what I meant. So, I finish reading and hop over here to compose a post about what all that means to me, and what it made me think and what it made me feel. And then I thought, hey, maybe before I write out this year in review post I should look back through my posts from this year.  So I did...

A lot happened in 2012...I experienced many firsts...there were, as in any span of time, many ups and many downs.  But if I were to pick a resounding theme it was that I continually felt as though I were on the verge of some lesson or break through.  Toward the end of the year the lessons became clear.  I figured out that the key to any lesson lies within myself.  There are always other ways to look at any given situation... and that in and of it's self is, in my humble opinion, the single greatest beauty in life.  That is what carries me through the dark points into whatever light is waiting for me on the other side.  I am so grateful for those brief moments of clarity... those moments of consciousness... the moments when I can exhale the breath I have been holding in and take in new perspective, energy, and light.

Yes, I spent a decent amount of time lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor in 2012.  I am not ashamed, because even in those moments, or days, or months as it were, I was slowly piecing myself back together.  I was (and, still am, obviously) learning about who I am.  And, at least this time, as opposed to broken pile moments in the past, I was aware of what was happening... Sure, I was in pain, but somehow I was conscious of the fact that the pain would pass.  And it was that consciousness that allowed me to obtain peace with being in pieces.  We are all, whether we choose to admit it or not, in pieces at some point or another.  We are all fractured in some way, and society would have us believe that those things are 'bad'.  We need to be whole and pristine, is what society would have us believe, there is no room in this world for imperfection or flaw.  Well, I beg to differ.  I truly believe those fractures are what make us beautiful, those pieces are what allow us to see different sides of ourselves.  They help us gain perspective in so many ways.

So 2012, overall, was another truly fantastic year in my life...people and experiences came and went. I learned much about myself and human nature. I was able to reaffirm that I am indeed NOT in control (as much as I sometimes wish I were).  I shared some simply fantastic moments with people I love in my life, I witnessed growth and abundance in both my life and the lives of those around me.  I made mistakes, for which I am so grateful, and I learned that sometimes, letting go and giving in are not terrible things, in fact those actions can actually open the door to some REAL fucking beauty.

I will remember 2012 as the year that I fell in love.  I will remember the magic that enveloped me in that process.  The year that I finally cleared enough mental clutter to open my energy for amazing things to unfold.  I will remember 2012 for becoming truly authentic in parts of my life.  Something major shifted in me, and I am now reaping the benefits of that shift. I will remember 2012 as the year I finally threw in the towel and said, ya know what? I don't know shit, and I am TOTALLY good with that!  I will remember 2012 as the year that I finally figured out that we are ALL fucking neurotic in our own ways, and that I am only responsible for my own neurosis, as I am only responsible for what I know and who I am. 

2013 is already shaping up to be something stellar.  I couldn't possibly name or futurecast all of the abundance that will unfold this year, but I can say I look forward to the birth of my nephew, the marriage of friends, and nurturing the bond I have found with the woman I love.  In 2013, I am tasking myself with carrying this level of consciousness forward.  I am no dumby, it is going to take a lot of work, and there will certainly be difficulties, but I am excited for all of the opportunities and challenges that the new year brings...