I am mentally and physically exhausted. This business of consciousness is no joke. Staying aware of oneself requires so much focus and energy, I am to the point of aching. That being said, I am alright. I am good with being the pile on my bedroom floor in this moment. I am mustering the energy to lift my head and survey the pieces. They seem to all still be here, in fact... there may be a few extra I had not been in possession of before this last shattering. This is good. This means that at some point I will be able to re-assemble them into a new and more beautiful form of myself. Well, that is a relief. My ears are still ringing from the crash and my head is still foggy. It does always seem to come from nowhere, taking me by complete surprise. It isn't until after the fracture that I begin to see there were in fact warnings... missed signals and clues. I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously ignore them...maybe somewhere in the depths of my mind I know it is coming, and allow it because I know that beyond those shattered shards lies another awakening...
It's a surreal feeling to be sitting amongst the splinters and slivers, cold and alone and scared, but aware at once that this process is necessary to continue on a path of transcendence. There is a great deal of mental chatter clamoring about in my mind. It is a chaotic cacophony of which I can make little sense, I am guessing this is where the exhaustion originates. But even amongst the chaos, even amongst the anxiety, through the exhaustion and fog, I am still somehow aware that I am okay. There is a sense of calm that leaks in when I remember that I cannot know everything at once. That what I am experiencing is pretty much nothing more than a MONUMENTAL learning curve with regards to life. And there is opulence in knowing I am the only one I have to explain this to. I do not need to go into great detail as to what I am experiencing. This moment, like all others before and after it, is impermanent... EVERYTHING is ALWAYS subject to change. The sooner I am able to grasp this, the sooner I am able to apply this to all things in my life, including attachment, the better.
I have been learning of late about my fatal flaw... and as those things go, I guess it isn't a horrible one to have... but it is a real bitch to see it staring me in the face. Knowing what it is and knowing how to deal with it are two totally separate things... the latter is certainly the harder piece of the equation... I am confident that the having the awareness of it will help me to eventually function with it in some sort of healthy manor as opposed to the self destruction that was born out of my prior ignorance on the matter. So, while I am confident that progress can be made, I am presently stuck in that frustrating, uncomfortable space... you know, the one I can imagine a young Luke Skywalker to have experienced when beginning his Jedi training. I feel like that a lot these days. Not gunna lie, it is pretty damned humbling to once again arrive at the conclusion that I don't know shit! And, while I have arrived at that conclusion before, I think it will keep coming up for me until I can somehow grasp it deep down in the depths of me. How exactly that happens, I do not know. Until then, I will keep my eyes peeled for Obi and Yoda, and hang out here, shattered, but grateful on the bedroom floor.
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