I AM

Sometimes, it seems as though I am plugged in, like I am on top of my game, and everything seems real, and tangible and doable.  As is the case with life, the peak gives way to the valley and then contemplation sets in. In the interest of reminding myself that lessons will reappear in different forms at different times until I get it, I have written about my peaks and valleys before. All of these ups and downs, all the experiences, they are worthwhile to me, but no matter how many trips to the valley I make...no matter how much time is spent on the peak in between... the two experiences always seem so grossly oppositional. Sure, with each trip out of the valley, the peak seems more intense and beautiful, but correspondingly, the valley that follows seems so intensely dark and deep.  But, as best as I can tell... this is all part of the process of coming to the I AM...

I fooled myself at this last peak...I thought I would get to stay a bit longer, okay, A LOT longer... so I was in no way prepared for the decent.  At least I get that it is quality over quantity...This last peak was the most amazing and brilliant I have experienced to date. My monkey mind wants me to spin around in this valley and believe that nothing could be more beautiful, that it is all valley from here on out, because after this last peak NOTHING could EVER come close to comparing, let alone surpassing.  But, if I am to apply what I have been learning in this self imposed education on consciousness, I have to acknowledge that what came from the peak was the awareness that both the peaks and the valleys are evolving with me... and that these are necessary pieces to the I AM.

I think it is worth jotting down the intense amount of self judgement I am experiencing...All I can think about is- I am a gigantic fucking fool, I am stupid, naive, and angry.  I keep thinking, well, I got what I deserved... and I could go on, trust me.  What I know to be true in my head is that all of these thoughts are distractions from what I need to take away from this experience- I learned that I am actually capable of feeling an intense, deep, emotional connection with another human being, AND that the fear that held me back from experiencing this before is completely unfounded...sure, I am struggling right now, yes, this is hard. It fucking hurts, and no, nothing will ever be the same again, which seems so impossible to deal with because I want to focus on her. No one will ever be her, no one could possibly compare to her.  To think that I could find another connection to remotely rival this one is completely unfathomable to me. I am entangled in the attachment to her.  Fuck, will I ever learn this concept of impermanence?! I mean, it seems like it is at the root of ever fucking lesson! 

The reality is that I need to focus on what have I gained, what have I learned...I am not totally there yet, although I will get there, eventually.  I must stay aware that each valley is loaded with a million land mines of distraction, I can sit and spin in any number of them... why has it taken me so long in my life to experience such a blissful and beautiful connection?  And why the fuck did it have to disappear so fucking fast?  Why is this so god-damned hard for me to get? Why can't I just be fucking happy like so many other people I know? Why do I have to struggle every fucking step along the way? Why does it seem like I choose the most insanely difficult route at every single fucking fork in my life's road?

Well, the whys of any situation are completely subjective... I could ask any number of my friends to answer those questions for me, answer them for myself, and we would all have completely different answers depending upon the day and each of our mindsets.  All I can do to stop the spinning in my head is to acknowledge the beauty in the experience, and let that be the catalyst to lead me to the next one.  It's my attachment to this particular experience that keeps me spinning... and it's the spin that keeps me from being open to whatever is in front of me, because I get so distracted trying to look back.  It's hard to grasp that experiences are intangible, therefore they are never actually wholly ours to begin with and we cannot cling to them like some security blanket... because technically, there was/is nothing tangible to hold.  This process of coming to the I AM is so much more intense than I could have imagined...