Pondering the things that hold us back. What holds a person back from being true and authentic to themselves in any given moment? I think the answer is pretty cut and dry... society and self. In undergrad, I had to take a class called self and society, it was a great class that explored the ways in which a person operates within society... their world view, ways in which individuals interact within their social setting and the ways in which one interprets one's own life story. We read several autobiographies and had to write our own autobiography (let me tell ya, it is no small feet indeed to sum one's life up in 30 pages).
What I got out of the class was indispensable- my life is a story, I can either let the story tell me or tell my story. Up until (and well, if I am honest, still now, at times) the awarenesses I made writing that paper, life happened to me. All my troubles could be boiled down to a few things that happened in my life-things that until that point I had subconsciously thought happened to me. While I would have vehemently denied it at the time, I was a victim of my own life. Growth, incite, experience and whatever else you care to lump in with that has since proven to me that life only happens to people who choose to view their lives that way. There are a host of reasons that we fall victim to this mindset, but for me it was just an easy and logical way to explain both why things were the way they were in my life and why I felt the way I did. In the words of another post... it was my reason (and, I'm sure the reasoning for many others) to settle for good enough.
At a certain point in life it hits you, (or it hit me, there are some people who are never hit by it) all that bullshit that I thought was happening to me was actually happening for me... and in fact, none of it was ever bullshit at all... each thing, each lesson, each moment of pain or bliss, each conversation or argument, they are all the building blocks for greatness, and we could all emerge victorious, if we so choose. It was never stumbling blocks as I had perceived them to be, but instead, they were pieces to this incredible foundation for greatness. But, what happens if you stick with the stumbling block scenario? Or, what happens if you get they are supposed to be helping you build a foundation but continue to skin your knees on them? Well, let me tell ya kids...
Then 2-5 years down the line you are looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering what the fuck happened to all that work you thought you did on yourself. Your standing back and surveying your very own MASSIVE wonderwall and your thinking...shit. That was SO not in the original blueprints! Your flabbergasted! All this time you thought you were building yourself up, and really... you were building yourself in... and that's it... it's that damned wonderwall holding you back. It is so unfortunate too, it is a fine piece of construction...rivaling the Hoover dam... holding everything back behind it's pristinely sealed walls, not least of all you. The craftsmanship is something to marvel over, part societal norms, part familial expectation, cemented together with an ample amount of fear and denial... And NOW WHAT?!!! Your project is way behind schedule and ridiculously over-budget when you factor in demolition of the existing structure and the time and cost of building something completely different...a victim of circumstance.
Enter greatness. Greatness says that the wonderwall is not completely useless... there are parts that can be salvaged... reused, recycled, reclaimed... there is no need to be over zealous here, don't run out to rent a wrecking ball... it's overly dramatic and wasteful. Let's see what we can dismantle before we turn this project into a pile of rubble... greatness says we will not fall prey to what everyone else says is an epic failure. Just prepare yourself. The press is going to be all over this one and the public will likely follow suit, calling it a colossal failure, calling you out for your supposed architectural incompetence, they will fling the criticism like a monkey flings poo. But, it is never as bad as those buzzards make it... think about it... any genius knows that there is no short cut to the perfection they strive for... the wonderwall had to be constructed so that it could then transform into this beautiful, unifying and amazing thing. And lets face it... it is so much easier for society to judge and revel in your supposed failure than to ever acknowledge that we are all human and we all take the long way sometimes.
So, instead of shaming myself, instead of letting society 'should' on me... you should have done this or that. I will hold my head high and proud... I am a work in progress. A work of greatness in progress. I do not profess to know everything; hell, most of the time I question whether or not I know anything at all. But life doesn't have to be as tough as we make it for ourselves... it boils down to perfecting the art of improvisation. Things happen. They happen everyday. They happen to or for everyone (depending on where your situated in that spectrum). Sure, it is easier to go with the majority and catastrophize- "Oh, you were adopted? No wonder you (fill in the blank)." Or, you had a bad childhood. Or your parents sucked, or you were poor or raped or molested or whatever it maybe. Shit happens in all of our lives, mine is no better or worse than yours. The question is- will you define those moments for yourself or let those moments define you? Victim or victorious, it is a choice we all make. I choose to be victorious.
