I had this idea that I would write a post about turning 30 before my birthday, and well, like a lot of shit last week- it was slipped under the mental mat. I haven't posted this entire month, and for good reason- after a whole fucking year of contemplation and learning lessons and awareness and all the other shit I have been working on, I chose to take a mental vacation for the entire month leading up to my 30th birthday. I jokingly said that I was going to live the entire month as though I were 17 again- and I did. Sort of.
Many of my friends got all weird about turning 30, they dreaded it, they bitched about being old, some got depressed, some just acted like it wasn't happening. Not me, I was excited! I have been done with my 20's since I was 19, and 30 seemed like a welcomed change. But somewhere, subconsciously, I guess I was a little leery of it. The mental vacation came to be without any conscious choice on my part- I realized it a few days into it and instead of scolding myself, I chose to ride the wave. I decided to quit with the mental regiment of "what the fuck are you doing?" "what were you thinking?" and so on, and instead took a huge dose of fuck it. And, I am not gunna lie, getting the fuck its every now and then is pretty fucking sweet. It's been nice not to analyze or think much- although some of that happens just because that is the way my monkey mind operates.
I will say the idea of living like I was 17 again was pretty intriguing. 15-17 were the among some of the best years so far... although I am now pretty sure some of that can be attributed to better living through chemistry. I learned a couple of things about myself in the last month- First and foremost- I am TOTALLY NOT 17 anymore. Holy cappicola, all nighters are a little more difficult to rebound from now. When I was 17 my entire sleep/wake cycle was chemically regimented- and while I will say that 5 hour energy is a fucking god-send, it is so not the same! Secondly- I used to think that there was no room in my life to get the fuck its and give myself a break- now I realize that this is actually imperative occasionally. I was reaching the end of my patience with myself and now I realize why- because I hold myself to some pretty fucking ridiculous standards sometimes- standards that are often impossible even for me to reach.
So, Friday was my 30th birthday, and I have to say, I had a pretty fucking awesome time. Surrounded by some of the most bad ass people I know, having fun, raising hell- I have been piecing the night together through various conversations since! It meant a lot to see most of the people I truly care about all in the same space. That night, I realized that I have some pretty awesome friends- some that have known me since I was 17 the first time- and trust me, if you knew the asshole I was at 17, it's saying something for those people to be at my 30th birthday! Some I haven't known as long, but all of you fucking rock my Hanukkah socks! You know who you are, whether you were present that night or not, I love you guys!
But the night also helped me to see crystal clear some things that I have been avoiding up until that night. I am finally ready to 'clean house' and rid my life of a person or two that I have been allowing to drag me down for far too long- probably since I was 17. I like to think that I am a pretty fucking awesome friend, and sometimes I think that makes me a target for soul suckers. But in the end, I am the one who allows my energy to be sucked. I have let it go on for far too long, and as usually happens, I have to say- big-brother-from-another-mother, you were right YET AGAIN. Damn it, I hate admitting that so often, especially to you, but it's necessary- and thanks, for loving me enough to let me learn the lesson on my own. As many times in the last year or five that I know you have wanted to just shake the shit out of me and tell me what I could only recognize on my own, this lesson is sealed and solid now- it is not a points system, but it FUCKING IS!!!! And that realization makes 30 that much more fucking awesome. I don't have to live as though I am 17, I think living as though I am 30 is going to be much, much, more fun :)
