Shutter Speed

I read a blog post recently about a photographer's 'un-pinteresting' life.  She talked about how online personalities have created a sort of unattainable bar in life- like the internet gives people a chance to present whatever 'self' they want the rest of the world to see... It made me think about the digitization of our society and culture, and how much that has changed in the last decade or so.  As the daughter of an 'oldschool' photographer... the kind who processed his own photography in the darkroom in the basement... it is a little surreal to see what can be done with images digitally now- granted, some of it is breath taking and beautiful, and I know some digital photographers who are truly artists, in that they have an eye and can capture things in ways others of us couldn't...but using a filter doesn't make you an artist, it doesn't make you a photographer. And it's not just photography... it's music...design... it's the human experience..all sorts of things.  It's misrepresentation is what it is.

I look around at the blogging, facebooking, instagramming, pinteresting crowd that is mine and the next generation and don't really know what to think... is the digitization of our society watering our lives down to an e-card quote?  We have the ability now to share more of ourselves and our lives then ever before... but instead of deep connection or meaningful conversation we are presented with perfect family photos that cover up train wreck lives...or dead careers... or broken hearts... or bullied kids.  Truth is, I don't believe it.  I KNOW we all have some beautiful disaster in us... and yes, whether the internet or facebook or google agree or not, there is beauty in everybody's disasters.  It sometimes seems like the last of human realism is on the cutting room floor... photo shopped out for the most marketable, rock star angle.  And then what?!

I think I have stated pretty clearly before- I am not immune, I certainly pick what to share and who knows what about me just like the next guy, to an extent.  I am fairly up front and honest in my posts on here, but I also don't publish every post... I have dozens of drafts that I write only for myself.  I regularly struggle with what is and is not OK to post... I am not advocating that we all put everything about ourselves out on front street for everyone to see...  In all honesty, I live a pretty un-pinteresting life as well... and I am really good with that.  It seems far too exhausting to try to be at the right places with the right faces at the right times. 

What would happen if we were all slightly more honest about the un-pinteresting sides of ourselves?  What would that look like?

Sometimes my house is a catastrophe... sometimes my brain is a minefield...  9 times out of 10, I don't wear pants when I am at home.  I avoid folding laundry like the plague.  I open my mail only when I absolutely HAVE to.  I love shitty Chinese food.   I try on 80% of my wardrobe (nearly everyday, and sometimes twice a day) trying to find something I am willing to leave the house in.  I will NOT leave the house without makeup.  I regularly let my pride and ego keep me from things I want or need to do.  I assume I am being judged and scrutinized at all times.  I say I don't care, but I do.  I feel inadequate in many areas of my life, a lot of the time... I front like a hard ass, but cry like a bitch sometimes.  And the comfort I have in all of that is that I know ALL of you feel some of the same things, a lot of the time.  But then we wrap it all  up, run it through a filter, and post it on facebook, and all of the realism gets lost in translation.

I want to go back to processing my own life film.  I want to loosen my grip on 'who I should be by now'.. I want to appreciate the art that is my life, and the lives of the people around me. I want to stop chasing every fucking shiny thing I come across because mine is the generation of instant gratification.  I want to get back to living authentically.   More often than not, my head is the container that keeps my self loathing from spilling out into the world, and it is time to stop doing the self deprecation dance.

My BFAM graduated from college today, and I am SO unbelievably proud of him! He has grown so immensely in the last two years, that words cannot do it justice.  The commencement speaker gave a really compelling speech about how the most successful people are those who are not afraid to fail, a lot.  That speech and a big brother talk I had recently, have got me thinking about some things I have been trying to hide from lately- all of which are driven by my crippling fear of failure.  From far too much past experience, I know that I am always the root cause of my own self destruction... thankfully, I have people in my life who will not hesitate to kick my ass- I need that, seriously.  I occasionally lose focus, I often lose interest, but I usually come back around.

 I am ready to fail, a lot... at the end of every failure, is the next opportunity for success, and I am the only person with the power to manifest that in my life.  It's as if every now and then, I hit pause on my life- why? Who the fuck knows?! I think sometimes everyone needs a break, sometimes it seems like using a filter is easier than manually focusing.  But mind clutter cannot be photo-shopped out.  That shit has to be processed in the dark room, and the end results will always be a surprise.  It's the processing that is beautiful, if we take the time to allow things to develop...
One of my all time favorite song lyrics comes from Ani Difranco "It took me too long to realize that I don't take good pictures because I have the kind of beauty that moves." I love that line, I have no idea why it is so hard for me to apply it in my life... oh well, it's a process right? Maybe it's time to lengthen my exposure and adjust my shutter speed...

I love you BFAM, thanks for the reminders, the inspiration, and the patience.  You should be so fucking proud of yourself, your the kind of big brother I am proud to look up to and I couldn't have hand picked a better big brother if I wanted to :)