Breaking the Girl

While driving yesterday, it dawned on me that I hadn't posted in a while.  I have proven to myself that I am not one of those vigilant bloggers who posts everyday... Nor am I someone who has something prolific to say most of the time.  But, since I started this blog over a year ago as a way to chronicle what's in my mind, I guess I do find it necessary to post periodically.  Even if I am super busy- well, especially when I am super busy.  It's the busy times that allow me to lose track of what's in front of me, and allow me stop with forward motion in self progression.

Last week my dad got some great news.  He landed a contract at work that he had been pursuing for a while, it's big.  It means so much to him for so many reasons.  It validates a super long, super tough journey he has been on since leaving his last job.  It proves what most of us close to him already knew- that he is an amazing human- and that he cares about what he does no matter what it is, where it is, or who it is for.  My whole life I have tried to embody this kind of character, and while I may not be as thorough and stellar at it as he is, I owe much of my dedication and work ethic to my father; well both of my parents really.

Anyway, so he calls me on the day he landed the contract, and he's ecstatic- cloud 9 doesn't even aptly describe it.  I haven't heard him this excited in a long, long time.  I share in his excitement, telling him that I could not think of better news, there's a pause. 

"Dad? You still there?"
"Yeah, sweet pea.  I can think of better news though..."
"What?" As soon as the question pops out of my mouth I regret asking it.
"The best news would be you having a man to share your life with."
Zing.

Ugh, I hate this talk. We have it every couple of months.  Either my mom, or my dad, try to find a way to bring up the subject, and while I am sure they intend it to be subtle, it never is.  And I love them both, I know they just want me to be happy.  And I guess they have a hard time with me being single... not that I don't, it has certainly been a process of getting to know myself solo, but I also see where it has been immensely good for me... I try to ease out of the subject.

"I know, daddy."
And I hope like hell this doesn't lead to another lesson on how I need to put myself out there, how he can set me up with someone, how I should start online dating...
"I just want to see you happy, sweet pea.  Are you seeing anyone, what about (insert any male's name that has come out of my mouth in the months since we last had this conversation)?"
"Daddddddd." I moan.  He knows I don't want to have the conversation, so he ends it-
"Ahh well, you'll find him. There's somebody out there for everyone."
"Yep, I'm sure I will." I assure him, even though I am mostly certain that's a lie.

Oi. Vey. This conversation wouldn't have made that much of an impression if I didn't end up having similar conversations with my mother and my boss in the days that followed.  What is it with middle agers? They all have an opinion on what I should be doing and who I should be with or try to be with or think about being with. It's exhausting.  Singledom is not the end of the world. It just seems as though there is a lot of pressure from 'grown up' types to fit into this mold I have never fit in...and sometimes wonder if I ever will.  I know they all mean well, but damn. 

I am okay. Could I be better? Sure, couldn't we all?!  It is tough sometimes to be single... as we age, the world is not set up to be solo- many (if not most) people my age are coupled up, or tied down.  Others are on their second marriage or third kid... which is fine. I am not a relationship hater by any means, it just bothers me to have the fact that I am single presented to me as though it's this nasty virus I need to get taken care of. 

I know I need to learn to loosen up. I know I have issues relaxing and letting go.  I know that I walk around  wearing a coat of armor 3 feet thick.  I am so painfully aware. And don't get me wrong, to all of you who try to help me, who keep me aware of what I need to work on, I am so GRATEFUL!!!  If I were to be honest... ugh. If I were to honest with any of the people who have so lovingly tried to nudge me into that whole getting out there thing in the last year and a half- I'm just not there. I am paralyzed with fear.  I try to ignore the fear by throwing myself into work and projects and anything I can possibly do aside from conquering that fear, and it's a cop-out. I know.  But, it is on my radar, I swear! As oblivious as I may seem, I am not so naive as to think nothing's subject to change, because it all is.