PYT

So earlier today I re-posted a few entries from last year, which you can read here if you are so inclined.  And as promised, I am posting to thread three of those posts together with where I am now, mainly because I lost footing on some of those concepts for a bit so I think it is important that I own up to that- for myself. I had a long talk with some of my soul tribe members this weekend, and they did a pretty good job of making me realize that it was time for a  reality check.  I posted about the beginning of that reality check a few weeks back- but now it's time to practice what I preach...

More often then not, I find myself in the position of  cheer leading people - comforting people who hurt, encouraging people who struggle, empowering those who are disenchanted... And, as has been pointed out to me many times before, I spit some good game; unfortunately, I have a REALLY hard time taking my own advice.  I cannot tell you how often I tell someone how amazing they are- how many times I have reminded someone to keep their head up and continue on.  Love yourself, and things will fall into place. And lets get one thing straight, I am more than happy to listen, converse and cheer lead those in my life, in my opinion, that is what friends do for one another.  The issue at hand is that I will not open myself up for the remotest inkling of reciprocation.

I believe that we all have tough times, shitty days, unfortunate circumstances.  I also believe that the only way for others to get through it is to lean on people.  Humans are community creatures. Humans need interaction with other humans to nurture their souls and expand their minds, or at it's most animalistic level- humans need other humans for survival.  It's pretty fucking basic.  And I understand the concept- but like all the other niceties I afford others, I cannot wrap my mind around these concepts when it comes to myself.  And most of the time, I don't even know it.  I have had conversations with people that I need to have with myself literally HUNDREDS of times in the last six months.  And it's not that I don't have people to talk to myself, because I do.  There are a handful of people on this planet who really and truly know me, who really and truly love me, no matter how hard or often I bang my head against my own wonderwall.  But some how, I sink into this pattern of avoidance. Like a man who drives around lost and pissed off and refuses to ask for directions.  It would be so simple to stop at the petrol station and ask the clerk for help, but instead I go into avoid, avoid, avoid mode.

I know that avoidance gets me no where, if anything it gets me more lost and even more frustrated. But, for some reason, when the CD of my inner dialogue starts skipping, I convince myself that it is a remix as opposed to reaching out and skipping to the next song.  So I listen to the same fucked up track, on repeat, for days or weeks, or in this present case, months.  The more I listen, the more dazed and confused I become, and the less likely it seems that the track will ever end.  It's a vicious, torturous, cycle.  It's masochism on it's most simplistic level.  And then, at some point, something snaps me out of it- a person or situation usually- and the reality check is never fun. It's never easy. It's exhausting, and it hurts, and I am forced to feast on that old, familiar dish I love to hate, humble pie.

A year and a half ago, I wrote about my go to persona, whom I dubbed tough bitch.  (Persona is a Jungian concept, read about it here if your interested.)  Anyway, at the time I was sincerely focused on growth and in a highly introspective point in my life... for maybe the first time in my life I was aware of how that face that I present to the world was no longer serving my best interest.  I told myself that things were going to change, that I was going to stop presenting myself as this tough chick who didn't give a fuck and start trying to let more of the world know who I really am, at least on some level.  And, it went alright for a while, I made other discoveries- like realizing I had constructed a wonderwall to go along with tough bitch.  I knew that peeling away all those fortess like layers was going to take some time and effort, and I was committed to deconstructing it.  And then... and then a series of seemingly little events started cascading into my life.  Things that tough bitch was better at dealing with.  So I let her come back.  and before I knew it, she had taken up residency in my brain again.

Everybody has their schtick in life.  Some people are the comedians, you know the type, every single thing is a joke to them, they deal with everything through humor.  Some people are the victims, they wallow in all the traumatic shit that has happened to them and they wait around for someone to rescue them.  My schtick has always been tough bitch.  I don't give a fuck, I'm a bitch, I'm intimidating, I never let anyone close to me... you get the picture.  Thing is, I'm not.  I do give a fuck.  the intimidation and the bitchiness stuff are all a part of the act.  And as a result, no one does get close to me, because I have set it up that way for most of my life.  I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you... if you do not think you are being treated fairly, look at your interactions with said party and assess.  I have taught people to leave me alone.  I have taught people that there is no need to worry about my feelings, because I have led them to believe I have none.  And no, I am not completely alone. As I stated earlier, there are maybe 5 people that know tough bitch isn't really me.  They are the ones that see me cry.  They are the ones that I allow myself to occasionally be vulnerable around.  So, if I can do it with them I should be able to do it with everyone, right? Wrong.

Nope.  As committed as I was year and a half ago to working on letting go of all those useless defense mechanisms, I have not.  And, as a result, it has gotten worse, it has seeped into most every area of my life.  It was pointed out to me recently that the way I have been talking about myself is almost annoyingly negative.  It was even suggested that I try reciting positive affirmations everyday in an effort to reverse my inner dialogue.  At first, I scoffed.  I thought that those critiques were completely unfounded, until I started catching myself refer to myself as an idiot, or a dumbass, or a retard, fucktard, stupid bitch... And, I have to say, after I became aware of it, it was pretty fucking ridiculous.  The thought of reciting positive affirmations made my skin crawl, and let's be honest- trying to change the habits and thinking I have had for most of my life is no small feat! So, baby steps it is.  Now every time I catch myself about to let a self deprecating comment pass my lips, I change it to Pretty Young Thing.  If that sounds silly to you, imagine what it sounds like to me.  But now that I am aware of just how long I have been back sliding, desperate times call for desperate measures.  I will never teach someone to treat me the way I truly want to be treated if I don't treat myself that way.

It's a tough spot to be in, I know what I want, I know exactly what I have to do to get it, but it's the how that fucks me every time. I am sitting here, alone and frustrated with no one to blame but myself, because just like always, I set it up that way.  Sometimes, the lesson isn't learned until the it's been presented multiple times by numerous teachers; and I will figure this out, I know.  But damn it, it sure fucking hurts in the mean time! I have to keep reminding myself, there is no growth without pain, this too will pass, Holly.  The best advice I have ever been given applies so well here- When going through hell- KEEP GOING!