Quixotic Connections

It has always been my belief that we as humans crave connection.  The connection between a parent and a child. The connection between friends. The connection between lovers, coworkers, siblings, even strangers.  The dynamic of each of these connections has always been fascinating to me...I really enjoy both participating and witnessing the human experience... what is further fascinating to me are the connections that sometimes pop up between connections, and sometimes, the disconnect that can come into focus when other connections come into play.

As I related in my last post, I have recently been experiencing a new connection... one that I had not yet experienced in my life, and it has been truly awesome to connect on so many different levels... mentally, spiritually, metaphysically, at times, it seems almost quixotic.  Curiously, this connection has brought to the forefront many of my other connections... friends have come out of the woodwork to tell me how happy I seem, to relate on whatever level to the abundance I have been sharing about...it's been pretty cool to see the reciprocity of positive energy, which in turn multiplies the abundance and so on.  I definitely believe that the energy one puts out, attracts like energy, so if I am pinging on a positive vibe, inherently positivity seems to flow my way.

My natural inclination, when experiencing such joy and connection, is to want to share it with those closest to me...Not in a  'hey I am fucking happy nah nah nah nah nah' way, more in an exchange of energy way.  Especially because I have had so many people cheer leading me through this last growth spurt, which was particularly arduous.  I am truly lucky to have the kind of supportive, inspiring, kind people in my life who love me no matter what I am experiencing.  When I was in those dark spots, just before the tunnel opened back up, many of them reminded me that this moment, like all others, shall pass.

There are so many amazing things about the mind space I am in right now, it is synergistic and inspiring and, for the most part, that is what I am focused on.  But within this new and chimerical experience, I cannot help but stumble over that disconnect piece I mentioned earlier.  This particular disconnection is not new.  It has been happening with this particular person my entire life.  Some moments are easier to gloss over and pretend like it is not there, others it is glaringly obvious and painful.  Society would have me believe that this particular connection should be one of the strongest in my life...and for most of my life, I have tried desperately to strengthen that connection... with little success.  And it is SO perplexing to me.  If there is a desire to strengthen the connection (presumably, on both sides) why then is it so difficult to make that happen?

Let's get this straight, I love this person with my whole heart, and with that love comes an understanding that I will love them no matter what, right where they are... we have been through our fair share of ups and downs... we seldom vibrate on the same frequency, which is ok, but it does make things tough sometimes, and that makes me wonder... why is what I think to be one of my most primal connections such a struggle?  Why would one of my few inherent connections be so painful at times?  I don't have the answer to that, although I have been searching for it since this thought has come into my consciousness.

I want to understand this. I want to find a way to meet this particular person somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately, I am unsure this other person wants to meet in the middle.  And, I have a little bit of guilt and anger about this disconnect... it has been going on for so long and now it has become tiresome.  I am often guilty of envying people who are unconscious... like, man that seems so easy! But then, one of those unconscious people tramples on my consciousness and I am no longer envious. I am sad for them, and sometimes angry at them, and grateful for my own consciousness all at once.  The optimist in me says that I need to try my best to meet these people wherever they are at, and support their process in whatever way I can.  But then, I find myself in the path of their own self destruction and the realist in me wonders if it is possible to support someone who isn't aware of 'the process' to begin with...

How does one lead another to consciousness?  Or, is that my ego talking? Far be it for me to propose everyone follow the path that I am on... that would be boring (and, maybe a little scary!) I just want to find a way to coexist with this particular person (and others like them).  I want to love and support this person where they are at, but not at the expense of my own autonomy.  I know that there are two people in this situation, and I can only own what it mine, the trouble I am having at the moment, is discerning what exactly is mine to own in this situation... So for now, I suppose the only thing I can do is to continue to be aware and to be true to myself.  I am happy in my own right, and no connection or disconnection can waiver that unless I allow it.

I am grateful to all of you who share in my journey, those of you who express your love, support, empathy...Those who share your nuggets of wisdom, whispers of truth, and snippets of strength, those who challenge me to strive to the next level. I am also grateful for those moments of disconnect, so that I may truly appreciate the connections I do have, and I know that transcendence does not come from homogenization. I am a better person everyday because I am surrounded by such a vast array of illuminated souls.  Thanks for encouraging me everyday in so many ways.  Not all moments are filled with rainbows and unicorns, I know it is necessary to take in each one- I used to think that happiness meant complacency, now I know that growth can happen in any environment, so long as we are surrounded by the proper support to meet the challenge. <3