Axiom

So last week, I am sitting at my desk at work, quietly pounding away at whatever mundane task was in front of me at the moment, and I hear the ping that says I have a new email. I click from one monitor to the other and open it, it's from my HS best friend, well... I should say we have been best friends since high school, because we are still best friends today. Anyway, I open the email and all it say is :

Your mom just told me that I needed to find you a boyfriend

I am instantly pissed. I am mad because I have been consistently hearing from friends and friends of friends that my mother is talking about my life to them.  I'm mad because it seems like everyone wants to put everyone else in a fucking box...  I get defensive when people, (mainly my mother, but really anyone) try to shove me in some aphoristic box I do not fit it.  You know, like the kind where you're supposed to be partnered up, married off and be at least half way through producing heirs by the time you're 25 or some shit. I missed that deadline years ago, in fact, it's still hanging in my mother's closet in the form of a super expensive, super fucking beautiful, never been worn, Italian wedding dress. And most days, not only am I good with that, but I am pretty happy with where I am and the experiences I have had.  But some days, those societal boxes get to be a little crushing, ya know?

So while I sit at my desk with all the fuck yous and how dare yous swirling around in my head, this pops up in my bookface feed:

 Don't you hate when someone asks if you have a boyfriend, and you say "no," and they get all googly-eyed and say, "WHATT?? WHY NOT?!???" like it was the the most absurd thing they've ever heard. What is that even supposed to mean? Is this a compliment, or are they judging me for being single and stoked? I'm so confused by people sometimes. No, strike that. I'm so confused by people ALL the time. 

And my anger instantly melts into ferocious laughter.  After some banter back and forth on that thread, she responds with this:

I also wonder if they think good guys grow on trees or something, as if I've chosen not to find the perfect male specimen who apparently is available immediately. Or like I'm too lazy to drive down to the boyfriend store and pick up the latest and greatest. And the only way to be happy is to have a boyfriend, so obviously I'm psycho. 


At this point I am laughing at the humor in her posts, but also having a good laugh at myself.  Why do I let people get to me? I know that I am right where I need to be, and I know how important it is to stay true to myself, even if that means other people are uncomfortable. So I poke fun at the entire situation on my own bookface and shrug it off.  In the meantime, I am in the middle of composing Amalgamation which was proving harder and harder to write by the minute, it started out super free flowing, but as is the case with most of my posts, they generally take a few days to write, edit, and finally post, and those final edits were tough. Like that was the hardest post I have had to edit in a long, long, time.  It probably went through three different rewrites and in the end it seemed more discombobulated and dis-jointed then ever.  I finally just gave up and posted it, figuring the reasons would become clear to me at some point. 

And so, last night I read this article: Top 5 deathbed regrets  and low and behold, what's number one on the list?

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Truer words have never been spoken, me thinks.  Ya see, I try very hard to live my life with some amount of personal integrity (I am in no way saying that I am a saint, or that I never make bad decisions, for fucks sakes, people, I am human), really what this means to me is that I do not compromise on certain things- in my life that has meant a lot of different things.  It meant that even though I could have chosen the cheaper faster route out of college, I opted for way more time and effort (and debt) to study what I was truly passionate about (even though I have never and may never work in that 'field') It has meant that even though I could make more $ working for some corporation, with higher pay, perks, insurance, paid time off... all the 'luxuries' other people snap jobs up for, I have chosen to work multiple jobs for smaller, independent and or non-prof outfits doing things I truly believe in.  It has meant that I stopped the wedding train. After the engagement party. After the expensive Italian dress was purchased. After the reception hall was booked.

It means that yes, indeed I am sometimes lonely because I won't wrap myself up in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.  It means that I frequently take the scenic route, the road less traveled, the one that is NEVER on GPS.  And yes, some days, even I question the validity of my path.  But then I read an article like the one above, and my self assured-ness is restored.  What am I getting at? Well, I guess the point is (more for me than anyone else), that I think we can all occasionally use a reminder that despite the boxes and categories that society seems relentless in presenting, and even though it's tough sometimes, even though it can be lonely, confusing, and tiring; it can also be challenging, rewarding, refreshing, eye opening, and BRILLIANT! In the end, I KNOW that I am living a life that is truest to me, which, in my mind, is the ultimate pay off.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. - See more at: http://www.karenstan.net/2013/11/11/nurse-reveals-top-5-regrets-people-make-deathbed/#sthash.LF9AyCTS.dpuf

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. - See more at: http://www.karenstan.net/2013/11/11/nurse-reveals-top-5-regrets-people-make-deathbed/#sthash.LF9AyCTS.dpuf