Amalgamation

Surely, I cannot be the only one who reflects upon past experiences from time to time.  Like looking back and taking stalk in who I was as compared to who I am now... the things I have experienced, the ways in which I have handled myself, that kind of thing.  Of course, I have the benefit (or maybe detriment) of having logged my experiences on this blog, and in many, many, journals before this blog, I also have other odd methods of remembering... Like, I have every single text message I have received for something like the last 5 years.  I know, I am a weirdo, it's OK, I'll own it... So I have a written record of things, which is helpful since I may have the world's WORST detail oriented memory.  While it is sometimes uncomfortable, I have found that embracing the pieces of me from which the present amalgamation of myself is comprised, far outweighs that momentary discomfort . 

Anyway, this time every year seems to be evocative of that contemplative thing inside of me... maybe it has something to do with the weather change, the colder and darker it gets outside, the more I seem to go inside myself.  I often think, what was I doing this time last year? Two years ago? Three? Well, you get the point.  I have never been good with dates, but I can start with last year and go backward. Right, so- I have been nostalgic about the past recently... not necessarily like I am yearning for what might have been, more like... umm... like evaluating my part in things and wondering how I can do things differently going forward.

So, I open one of the local free weekly's today and flip to the horoscopes-

You've got too many keys on your ring. You've locked and unlocked so many hearts that at this point you're practically a janitor of the soul.  Although it fills you with a certain satisfaction to walk around jangling that giant loop of glittering keys, fondly recalling all the times you've used them and what you've used them for, please notice that your behavior is preventing any new keys from from being added to the collection.  It's time to throw a few away, that you no longer need or no longer dare use, to make room for a tantalizing handful more. If I haven't been obvious enough: stop clinging to the past so you can finally unlock the future.

Wowser.  I would love to laugh all of that off and say that has NOTHING to do with me, but really, it's pretty much spot on...  I read a book some years back that explained the Law of Attraction- the idea that everything is made up of energy, and that like energy attracts like energy.  I believe in the power of energy, I have seen it at work in my life... in the sense that what I ping out is what will come back to me... if I am in a positive place, things will flow in a positive direction, and if I am in a broody and negative space, negative energy will flow back to me. I am beginning to see where 'taking stalk in the past' is really just a way to muddy my own energy...because when it comes down to it, when I look at everything with a holistic mindset, it's ALL good. What I am realizing is that all of us are amalgamations of our former selves. It's time to step away from the mental microscope.

Like I said in last week's  Guerilla Warfare post, this  is all coming to light for me recently.  I suppose it's not surprising then, that  I have been waking up a little lighter each morning.  There are a lot of super-fucking-awesome-sauce lines in the water... projects I am excited about, ideas I am stoked to flesh out... It's an illuminated place to be amidst the autumn chill.  As such, it is high time I toss some of those old keys.  So many of them look alike and I am spending far too much time bumbling in the dark, attempting to fit old keys into new doors. Who knows... maybe I will even clean out my text messages...hahaha.