A Priori

I find it difficult some days to show up and be myself, it's like whatever this internal conflict is going on inside me takes over....I am not necessarily sad, but I definitely feel as though I am in some sort of extended transition period.  It's not the most exciting or comfortable space to be in, but it isn't terrible either... just letting it all flow, and trusting that this too, won't last forever.  All I can do at the moment is stay open, and more importantly, aware of all that is going on in my head and my heart.  Even when I feel as though it's a chore, I am still eternally grateful for my own consciousness. I read a bit on the Evolution of the Imagination in the Western World this morning and it brought to light many of the concepts I have been struggling with  internally... things for which I had no prior means to articulate.  In essence, I believe my 'inner Plato' has been doing battle with my 'inner Aristotle'.  The inner Plato wants me to reason everything to death, attempting (and failing) to make all of my experiences neat and grounded, while the inner Aristotle is trying to prove that reason cannot always work in every situation.  I like Aristotle, I agree with his concept of the imagination, it makes more sense to run things through the imaginative filter first, as opposed to Plato's concept of skipping straight to reason.  But I grew up with a Christian filter... my default is to lean on Plato, even if my intuition tries to tell me to lean on Aristotle, that Christian filter tells me not to trust my intuition in the first place.  So I end up chasing my proverbial tale, quite a lot... I find it fascinating that concepts I unconsciously absorbed growing up still effect my thinking today, even when I attempt to consciously push them out of my psyche. There is a lot more to this inner Plato vs. Aristotle battle, of that I am sure... but at least for now I think I have the beginnings of my finger on the concept...I can see Plato at work in my life right now-

Plato-Here lately, I've scarcely had time to breathe... in an effort to keep myself out of trouble and keep myself from repeating the same silly mistakes over and over, I took on a third job.  On a slow week I am averaging about 60 hours between the three jobs.  The third one occupies most of my nights and weekends, and for the most part, that is exactly what I wanted.  It has helped me stay out of my head and has kept me generally focused (grounded) on forward motion (in reason).  I feel challenged...something that I seem to only be able to obtain through a packed schedule and multitasking (because the alternative challenge in my imagination appears to be too scary??).  It has left me little personal time, and for now, I am good with that.  (strangely [or not] I seem to be dreaming A LOT more than usual...hmmm...) 

Aristotle-There seems to be a great deal of shifting going on internally right now, so my plan is to stick with this crazy schedule and let the shifting happen internally as long as possible, at a certain point I know I will need to consciously deal with all the internal stuff, but I am also aware that I am not ready for that quite yet.(And, there's Plato, sneaking up on me.)

The third job has provided me with the opportunity to meet new people, experience new things, and to rediscover the joy in hard work (well, there's that puritan, Christian informed ethic). It has also tested the limits of my introversion, which I believe is necessary for this next stage in growth.  Being the silent observer has it's benefits, but I cannot spend all my time around other people in my head.... people start to wonder and look at you funny! Plus, everyone around me seems to do a great job of reminding me to 'loosen up'.  In fact, it has been said to me so often in the last couple weeks, even I am annoyed by my quiet brooding, (and right about now I want to say fuck you, Plato!).  In the middle of a loud and very crowded club this weekend, an older gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and flashed a gigantic smile, I then realized I was concentrating so intently on maneuvering through the crowd that I was frowning.  I smiled back at him and mouthed the words 'thank you', sometimes I just need a reminder- I wear everything that is in my head on my face...  I still feel awkwardly alone in rooms full of people, but I am trying to be ok with it... This past weekend was full of new and crazy experiences, and this up coming weekend promises to be more of the same...

It seems as though what is happening is that I have to make a conscious and consistent effort to bring reason (or Plato) back into the helm of my thoughts, because as Jean so beautifully stated-

     Transcendental or productive imagination is an active,
     spontaneous power, a process that begins of itself and by itself.
     It's not primed through any external agency.

Where as it seems that reason takes a considerable amount of effort... it's almost the opposite of the spontaneity of the imagination.  So I am going to keep soaking it all in, and maybe STOP trying to unpack every single fucking thing...because I believe this to be the meat of where the two concepts are fighting it out in my head...jesus, sometimes I wish I could just get out of my own goddamned way!!!!