Ever have one of those days where you feel as though your on the brink of something? I have been having them often lately, and I am grateful for that. Even if I cannot discern what I am on the brink of, at least I am balancing on my tip toes-this heightens my sense of awareness and makes it possible for me to actually see or feel or experience whatever it may be... And I have been balancing on my tippy toes for days now, maybe weeks.
Anyhow, I thought it was important to update on how my little experiment with myself is going. I have continued to take my emotions in the experimental situation out of myself and make them object, and not surprisingly, some days are much easier than others. I have found been finding alternate things to focus my energy on, as well as trying to refine some of the attributes that would make being objective in the situation much easier. What can I say? Some days I win, some days it is more of a wash, but I can say that I have not lost a day since I started this.
There is much to be said about taking personal power back. I know, I know, personal power sounds so yucky and new agey. But when I step back and look at the factors that I can control in the situation and those that are beyond my control, I realize I had given far too much power to those factors that are just out of my reach. When I made the goal list last week I chose to focus specifically on making an effort to not give people and situations more power than they deserve. Because in any situation that could potentially involve my feelings- if I allow myself to become subject to them- I want to be the one cracking-the-whip so to speak.
What I find fascinating and confounding at the same time is the razor thin line must one walk between awareness and being callous in order to both continue holding the objective whip and subjective feather tickler at once. I can see why some people just turn off their emotional switch as opposed to trying to calibrate this dimmer switch... finding that perfect light somewhere in the middle is absolutely insane, but I will admit, it is insanely intriguing to me. I have found myself at times, getting a good old fashion case of the fuck-its-like
"Fuck it. This is way to hard." or "fuck it, it would be easier to just not care". That last one about not caring is a bit surprising when it comes into my head, I have never been the one who CAN just not care, I have never been able to flip that particular switch in my brain. In fact, I am generally the one who is walking around with the giant neon flashing light over my head- that I do care and will happily care for you when you cannot care for yourself.
But, not so much lately. Lately I have been trying out caring about me... which is where the thinking behind it being easier to not care is coming from. All my life it has been easier to care for others so as not to care about myself. THIS IS NOT ABOUT PITY. This is about a life lesson that I think so many other chronically self-less people struggle with as well... I would rather crawl across salted broken glass than shift my focus from others to myself, and wow that isn't healthy is it? But I really believe that human personalities can be boiled down into three categories... The chronically selfless, the chronically selfish and those who have a good balance of both. There is nothing better or worse about being on either extreme of the spectrum, trust me. I am no better than some of the friends and partners I have had who are chronically selfish... if anything, those who are selfish all the time are happier... they derive fulfillment in life directly from themselves, so they are rarely let down or disappointed.
Those who are chronically selfless look like this-
The first thought when the awake in the morning is of someone or something other than themselves.
They are frequently trying to figure out how to make others happy, how to help others, how to make others lives easier in some way. They will go out of their way to help a friend or even acquaintance in need, even if it is at the expense of their own time, money or sanity. For the most part this is all done with little expectation on the return of their emotional investment. However, beware. The line of emotional burn out is invisible, it can pop up at any moment and what happens with these folk after it has been crossed is often unpredictable. They suddenly feel used, mistreated and taken advantage of. They cannot understand why the other party would not return their love, affection, friendship, whatever it may be, in kind. These are the people who love indiscriminately across the spectrum, with so many kettles on the fire, one will most certainly boil over from time to time.Here is the loyal friend or partner that requires little maintenance, but without that tiny bit of upkeep, becomes and even more faithful enemy. In general, they are their own worst enemy.
Those who are chronically selfish look like this-
Their first and last thoughts morning and night are of themselves. Often when something great happens to them they rejoice and share it with everyone right away, coming accross as boastful without meaning to. They take care of their own needs before anyone else and have little problem spending money time or energy on themselves. Where the selfless give all of themselves away daily, the selfish are tough nuts to crack. They seem self serving and arrogant, although this is only a matter of self preservation to them. Where the selfless people derive most of their energy from the happiness and good fortune of others, the selfish derive almost all of their energy from themselves, this is much more self-sustaining that the mechanism the selfless use, although later in life it can be quite a lonesome existence. Here is the friend that seems to know everyone but has no true or close friends or connections. They are often financially resourceful and seem to be in the right place at the right time every time. They have few enemy's because they never allow anyone to get close enough to them to betray them. As selfless people do not understand selfish people, the same can be said in reverse... these two types could not be more foreign to each other... The selfish think it foolish to go around letting people in... they do not understand intimacy to mean anything other than a sexual encounter and certainly would not use the word love unless there were no other word in all the Rosetta Stone courses to use.
Then you have the lucky balanced bastards-
I say that in jest, they are only bastards because I have not yet figured out myself how to acquire that balance! These are the people who make both amazing partners and friends. They have found a way to balance both taking care of themselves as well as being their for those whom they care for. They have a mix of acquaintances and very close friends. They are able to balance the time they spend with others and the time needed to focus on themselves in order to stay in that equilibration state. These people have achieved a level of awareness that goes beyond the singular to the plural. They live their lives in the moment with an eye on the future. They take into account ALL sides of a scenario, not merely the side that may effect them or the side that will effect others. These are the people who make good partners, they can help those in either of the other two categories grow, so that they too can become balanced. It should be said that a pair with one selfless person and one selfish person will be doomed from the get... because their weaknesses exacerbate each other rather than being complementary.
I want to stress that I am not bashing either side of the spectrum, wherever you are is wherever you are supposed to be for your own personal growth. I am merely pointing out observations I have made and being honest about my struggles on my particular end. Nor would I say any of this is proven fact or dogma... this is merely one view point which is inherently skewed through my own experiences. There is only one sucky choice in any situation... and that is the decision to stay stuck in whatever the current pattern of life is. If you think your are chronically selfish than work on it!!!! If you think you are inherently selfless than take those first steps toward balance. Life is all about the forward motion, at least in my opinion. How else will we ever get to where we need to be?!
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