Everything to Everyone

"Sometimes you love least the people in life who love you most; until you remember, you life is worth nothing without them in it."

I will admit to not having a source for that quote, but it struck me so deeply when I heard it that I feel the need to talk about it.  I know I have been guilty of doing this in my life, and more than that, I know that I and many of my friends have fallen prey to others who have done it to us.  Really, in the last year or so I would say those words have become more and more apparent in my life in one way or another.  Perhaps it something about the transitioning period around the thirty year mark...  most of my friends have been turning thirty in the last few years and there has been a great many shift within us.

It's hardest for me (and I am guessing most others) to experience others not loving me the way I love them, it is shocking to make that realization.  I am generally the girl who loves totally and completely-my friends and lovers alike.  They are certainly different kinds of love, obviously.  But I generally do not have relationships without intimacy... and of course, there are varying levels of intimacy...from familial to platonic to the intimacy shared with a lover... but in each case there is an undeniable closeness that allows the relationship to function in whatever capacity it serves.

When I was a teenager I was often guilty of loving least those who loved me most... my parents.  Of course, I had little love or respect for myself so there was little room for me to reciprocate.  This opened up a pattern I followed for myself for years- I went from relationship to relationship and the equation was never balanced...Either I loved those most who loved me least or I loved least the partners who loved me most.  Paradoxical, I know, like any other thing that catches my attention of late.  So this went on with relationships, and before I knew it... it seeped into my friendships too.

I spent many years loving friends who could have cared less about me... and to a certain extent, still do.  While I should be clear, I have a core group of people in my life who absolutely bring balance to the friendship see-saw... in fact the few GOOD friends I have are more like family to me than what others would call friends.  But there are definitely a few that would not know the love, loyalty and benefits of friendship if they were smacked in the face with it.  My brother-from-another-mother and I always say...it's not a points system, but it is; meaning we do things for our friends not because we expect to have those actions reciprocated, but because we have the kind of friendship that implies reciprocation. 

The concept of reciprocity in this context is one that involves a great deal of finesse.  It's not a tit for tat thing... meaning when someone does something for me, I am not immediately required to pay it back in kind- it's more a flow, a seamless dance from moment to moment.  And, in fact we did not figure out 'it's not a points system, but it is' until he and I both noticed gaping holes some of our friendships...We realized that we had been on autopilot for a long time-continuously affording others the benefit of the doubt and experiencing reciprocity less and less. And at a certain point something happened; and over a long, late night conversation our non-point system was born.

It's not something consciously thought about on a daily basis- it is more something that flows into the consciousness occasionally.  And I understand that some people are in a better space to play the game of giving AND receiving than others.  Sometimes we all get to a space where all we can do is receive, and that is okay, every once in a while.  What's not okay is when all we ever do is receive.  ESPECIALLY when we are completely unaware that we are doing it- going about daily life THINKING you are reciprocating, giving yourself credit for it only to be tipping the see-saw in your favor.  And this is not an awareness that can be pointed out to you, this is definitely something each persona has to arrive at on their own.

Those who love you most are the biggest gift life can offer you.  They are the ones who can actually execute the non-points system and do it well.  Unfortunately, for whatever reason, we as humans seem to always be drawn to that which we can't have... or those who appear not to want us, and so the cycle continues.  So, maybe take stock of those who love you most-do you love them least? And if so WHY?! I know this is an eye opener for me...it helps me to remember to love myself most some of the time instead of loving myself least most of the time...and once I am aware of that, the other bit of the picture that seemed fuzzy and out of focus becomes painfully obvious and clear.  To those in my life who love me most, thank you; it is my intention everyday to let you all know how very deeply I love and appreciate you.  Hopefully this will become more apparent as I shift my energies away from those who love me least, to those of you who love me most.