Finally, the inspiration to post struck me today! There has been a great many changes and shifts going on in the last few weeks and I guess I haven't had a whole lot of words to put with them until now.
First, I will say that a very wise person offered some incite into how I have been processing things and it created a shift in my thinking. I have mentioned before that I categorized people in one of two areas- thinkers and feelers; it has been my opinion that thinkers process information in a very pragmatic 'this is the way it is' way and feelers take a more emotional approach. Upon further examination, I am realizing the error in this approach. I was attaching incorrect meaning to words (as most of the world does). Emotions are sensory and uncontrollable, and there are only a few to pick from- elation, rage, and deep sadness. These emotion come over you like a wave and are as fleeting in their departure as they were in arrival. That being said, most of what I have attached the 'feeling' word to is actually a thought, as we are all thinkers and feelers to varying degrees. What I was calling feeling behavior is more aptly described as introspection, thinking about things deeply and intricately, almost like getting on one of those hamster wheels and running non-stop in your mind's eye.
What the hell does this matter you may be wondering? Well, at least for me, this has added a new lens of clarity as to how I operate. And, I am learning to look at this introspection as a gift rather than a curse, although I will admit that it is tough to do some days. Some days I would like to turn off the old thinking cap and look at my world in black and white... except I know this is not possible, so the only choice I have is to embrace it. And, since I started this blog pledging honesty, it is necessary to admit when I am wrong... that is, after all, the only way to learn, right?
Going back to the conversation I had with the wise person- a few other a-ha moments came from it. It was (again) pointed out to me that I walk around with a really hard shell surrounding me... and she went so far as to guess when and how the shell originated. Much to my surprise (and dismay) she was right. To be fair, I have been told dozens of times from different sources that I am intimidating- and to an extent, I was aware of this (Re:Tough Bitch). However, I had NO IDEA how long I had been carrying around this persona, not to mention what triggered it initially. I'll save you the lame story, but needless to say, this goes back for decades! This is incredibly frustrating to me... I pride myself on life happening for me as opposed to it happening to me, and if there is one thing I cannot stand it's the victim mentality. And yet, here I am, staring 30 down, operating on that very paradigm I cannot stand.
I was told that until I get rid of my anger, I will never get to where I want to go (or to anywhere near my potential). That, my friends is scary. It is scary to know that while I have a mask for every person and situation (I am not unique, we all do this to some extent), I also have one for myself looking in the mirror. This is getting sticky now. How do I peel that mask off? How do I extract the defense mechanism I have used against me for me for decades, and for most of the time without even knowing it? All I can say as of now is that there ain't no going back folks. I try so hard to be genuine (at least with those who matter to me) and I am now realizing that I have not been genuine with myself, let alone others. That doesn't mean everything about me or all the interactions I have had with people have been disingenuous, it more means that I can always dig deeper. I can always peel off another layer of the proverbial onion. And I am glad for that opportunity, because while it has never been my aim for everyone to like me or to view the world as all puppies and rainbows, it has also never been my intent to make people uncomfortable or for them to feel threatened because I am intimidating due to not dealing with my own stuff.
I think we can all agree I take the long way most often, but that's alright. I may not get it right away, (whatever it is), but you can trust and believe that I WILL get it eventually. And if there is one strength that could at times be my greatest weakness, it is determination, I will continue to attempt to get it until I finally do. Until that day, I am going to jump off the hamster wheel more often, and laugh at myself as much as possible! Life cannot be taken seriously all the time- that is boring and, more importantly, it is exhausting! If you haven't lately, step outside of yourself for a moment, observe yourself and the way your are with other people, take note and then have a great, big, deep, belly laugh at your own expense! It's refreshing, trust me :)
No comments:
Post a Comment