Snooze Button

So, I told myself that I would give me a week to get over myself.  Seven days to be sad, angry, depressed and whatever other unproductive emotion I needed to feel.  I have gone through the spectrum, although mostly I have been angry, and mostly at myself.  I absolutely will not own all the blame in this situation; however I have to own my part.  And in weak moments I do indulge those thoughts- why does it seem like I am always the one looking at my shit? Why do I have to stand here, knee deep in 'damn it'? Why can't I be the one who goes on about life like it never mattered anyway? And then, I come crashing back to reality and realize that I CHOSE this path, I chose to look at my shit, I chose to be aware, I CHOOSE to grow, and that means I am obligated (to myself) to look at my part, and even though sometimes I just want to go back to that state of being blissfully un-aware, I cannot.

Each time I want to focus the blame on another- any other, in any situation, I am cheating myself, out of the opportunity to learn.  Oh it feels SO GOOD though! It is so much more satisfying (in the moment) to pick someone else apart.  I want to shred the other person's shortcomings to bits, because I know how good it would feel (in the moment).  However, this is pretty much doing what I have always done.  In any situation where  I feel as though I have been wronged I want to immediately lash out and blame, and it works for a bit... but then I have to deal with dragging around a huge sack of resentments, which ends up being a gigantic pain in the ass... And anyways, all of that blame and anger does not fit in with my belief that we are all right where we need to be and we are all being presented with the opportunity to learn life's lessons at each moment... It is my choice to grab hold of my lesson just as it is anyone else's choice to either grab hold of or ignore their own lessons... and it is not my place to tell someone else what they need to learn, because in that breath I am loosing the opportunity to learn for myself. And let's be honest, I have a hard time recognizing my own lessons, learning the same thing multiple times before I get it, so I couldn't possibly know what others need to learn.

If I were to do what I have always done, at this point I would pack this experience away in a box and shove it as far back into the closet of my mind as possible.  I am tired of dealing with it and just want to be finished with it.  Unfortunately, I know all too well how that shakes out... it will come back to haunt me at some point in the future, in all it's skeletal glory... and I will be MUCH more annoyed with it then.  So, I am giving this particular lesson it's due, in hopes that I can finally see a lesson through to total fruition for once!  I have finally made a commitment to myself and I intend to keep it.  Everyday I get closer to knowing exactly what it is that I want, and doing this sort of work and being this kind of honest with myself, however painful and humbling it may be, is pretty much the only way to get where I want to be in my life, I think.

Anyway, as we should all know by now, life doesn't stop because your having a bad day, or your pissed off or you really want/need a break.  Nope, this is usually when life kicks it into high gear, and I am not special when it comes to this life paradigm. My brother from another mother and his amazing fiance are moving today, to Columbus.  In 15 years, he and I have NEVER lived more than ten minutes apart.  We have always been able to meet up on a whim if we wanted.  He has, for the longest time been the person I call when I absolutely do not want to talk to another soul on the planet.  He's got one of THE MOST optimistic views on life, he is a cheerleader and a rock, he is the voice of reason (although, I will admit to not always listening to that reason) he is a thinker and a pragmatist.  And the best fucking friend anyone anywhere could ever dream up.  And he somehow managed to find a girl who is completely his equal in wonderfulness! The two of them are so unbelievably solid together that there is no doubt in my mind that this move (although difficult) will be awesome for the two of them.

I am happy for them, beyond words.  Better things could not happen to two better people, no doubt.  And of course, in my usual selfish way, I am sad they are moving out of town.  I am really sad, and scared too.  I know, I know, everyone has said EXACTLY what you are thinking right now- it's only an hour away, geeze.  What's the big deal?! Well, the big deal I am realizing, has little to do with the two of them.  It has to do with me not being able to ignore the fact that they are making things happen in their lives- so, I can sit here and cry about them leaving and feel sad and left out and whatever other silly feeling that has danced across the stage of my minds eye in the last couple of months, I can complain about how all of this crap is happening at once and that it is just too much... I cannot handle it... BLAH BLAH BLAH...It's all so repetitive it makes me sleepy.

OR

I look right in front of me and grab the lesson.  All of these things are happening at once so that I will WAKE UP from my 8 month slumber of laziness and coasting and I will start making shit happen in my own life.  This after all is the only option... If I am bored or feel stuck or whatever it is...I am the catalyst that can change it or I can be the glue that permanently affixes myself to that settled in spot.  I have every fucking excuse in the book as to why I cannot do anything other than what it is that I am doing at this present moment in my life... I am stuck in my house because the market sucks... I am stuck at my job because I have too much debt, and on and on and on.  Unfortunately, I am aware that in any given situation I am both the problem and the solutions, therefore, I have got to change the way I think about things. And NO ONE is ever stuck unless they choose to be.

I have tended in life to be a pessimist, especially when I get lazy; but in the last year or so I have noticed myself getting annoyed with that trait in others and in turn being more aware of it in myself.  Oddly, this is awareness for which I can credit Facebook.  Reading pessimistic people's status updates on a constant- the most popular- "I'm bored", to the more dramatic "My life sucks" has made me acutely aware of the correlation between outlook and outcome in life.  If your bored, DO SOMETHING.  If you think your life sucks, CHANGE IT.  Sure, it takes a bit (and sometimes a lot) of effort, but at least then your busy living instead of dwelling on shit.  So, yes. I gave myself a week to get over myself, but this has been building for a long, long while, and I think I can safely say, I am over it.  I have a list of things that I need to get busy on and I finally have the fire under my ass to do them. 

The two of them moving is going to be hard, it is already sad.  It will change a lot of how our friendships operate.  And we ALL know how much us humans love change ;) There will not be too many 'lets meet up for a beer' nights through the week.  And the chances of she and I going grocery shopping together are pretty slim. Unless Monday is a holiday, wasted Sundays will most likely be a thing of the past as well. And all of these things and more are the silly little things I cherish and have somewhat taken for granted in the last year.  I could sit and think only about the stuff I will miss about them being 10 minutes away FOR WEEKS!!!

But, as my brother from another framed it the other night- "you know, this doesn't have to be the worst thing.  It could be awesome."  And, as is usually the case, he is right.  It could be awesome, it could ALWAYS be awesome.  Even if it sucks, it can still be awesome and THAT is what I want. AWESOME.  Thanks for reminding me chief, sometimes I need it and I always appreciate it.  These little wisdom nuggets are why I love you.  Well, that and the fact that you always fight the urge to say I told you so even though I deserve it (often)! So here's to the two of you and your awesome new life- if nothing else it has already inspired a ripple effect, I will no longer be hitting the snooze button on forward motion. I love you both.