A while back I wrote about my old friend tough bitch (Fucking Fishnets and Cigarettes ). I talked about needing to get rid of her as my constant persona. I said that it was worth a shot, and made no promises. While I have been trying to let go of tough bitch, I have realized that there was A LOT more that went along with her. For one thing, I thought that tough bitch was merely a persona I brought out when I felt scared or threatened. Wrong, that may have been true when she first came to be; which by my best guess was probably around the time I was in grade six. But she has been around for so long that she has become my default. And further, I have realized, tough bitch is less a persona and more this crazy fortress I have built around myself - like my own personal great wall of China--or more accurately my version of the Berlin Wall. Because I am trying to dismantle it. One brick at a time.
I really hadn't considered how deep all of this shit ran until recently. I look back and see how that wall has stood between me and almost every relationship I have ever had (platonic or lover...at least my wall is non-discriminatory?!) My wall has been fortified so many times that there is no longer a place to enter or exit... just a tiny keyhole for me to peep through when I am feeling adventurous...As of late I have noticed myself searching for a weak spot in the wall so that I can begin to dismantle even a tiny piece of it... I would like to expand that peephole to a window... perhaps even a gate...
But I am more paralyzed with fear than I had ever imagined. And it is SO weird to be at once aware of that fear and the inherent need to push through it. My head is getting a bit bloody from banging into the wall whilst straining to get a better glimpse through the peephole. And this is all so so so foreign- the awareness that a.) I really have managed to construct the fortress I used to refer to in jest, b.) I have obviously outgrown the fortress because I keep banging into the walls, and c.) the wall didn't crumble when I made the two former realizations.
These walls have not so much kept me safe, but kept me pent up... which is maddening and poetic at the same time. And I can't say that I have a plan for the demolition process, except that I know it has to happen. I will never obtain the peace that I profess to want if I do not proceed with wrecking this self constructed rampart. It's a real pickle I tell ya. I want the growth, yes, but damn it! Can someone else deal with the scary parts... the parts that produce massive amounts of discomfort... those feelings and situations that seem to chuck fuel soaked wood on the raging fire in my belly. I know. I know, that's the shit I am suppose to learn how to embrace. I get that, but when I am teetering on the edge of feeling that way in a particular situation it seems like such a better plan to get the hell out immediately.
Sometimes, situations are so visceral for me that I think it better for both parties in any given situation if I just bow out. Like completely. Like no bye, no nice to know you, no explanation of what you did or didn't do, your just dead to me in essence. Yep, I get how ridiculous, childish, and unhealthy that is. Not to mention the fact that it's selfish, because it is under the guise of saving the other party pain down the road. It is a cop out. I am finding it harder and harder to convince myself that ignoring people and situations is a viable option anymore, imagine that! It is certainly not an option the better man would consider. I said I would be honest and uncensored in this blog, if nowhere else, so this is it. Just writing this out makes me feel the way you do when you have the naked dream. You know the one... you show up at a party full of people and just as you make your entrance you have this striking realization that you are stark naked. In front of everyone. And you cannot find the door. The point is, I know I am not unique. Either we have all been there, or for some of us, we are there right now. I am kind of a determined girl though, and I am not gunna let this wall keep me in, or others out for that matter.
I can say that this blog is teaching me vulnerability... maybe in baby steps, but hey, steps are movement, no matter how small or large they are.
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