Tread Lightly

There is a lot of stuff rattling around in my brain, I am having a hard time putting it to words, but as each day passes, it gets more crowded up there, so I guess I better try to let some of it out...

I refuse to falsify resolutions and/or conclusions in the interest of 'being done with it'. While it is 1,000,000 times more uncomfortable to do so, I will sit with a resolution until I've ratified it in my head. There is definitely gratitude in that.  Although, this process does tend to lead to making simple things complicated...and fuck, am I am all too familiar with that.  I am also familiar with taking on other people's shit...when I do that, I cover up my own, and hence provide myself with the necessary veil to ignore my own lessons.  I know that the awareness of all this comes as an aside to being conscious, which on most days I am grateful for, but I do sometimes wish I could just go back to compartmentalizing things...

Swimming through the dark and murky waters of my brain...  Thankfully, I know how to swim, but the water is cold and my muscles are getting fatigued...I have begun taking the necessary precautions to conserve energy, but nothing really cures that lactic acid burn except time at rest.  That's a tall order, how to rest while treading water...hmm, perhaps I should just put my feet down and see if I can touch the bottom. Focus. Remember, this all boils down to self. Self acceptance, self assuredness, self awareness. 

Loneliness is a construct of my own mind, instead of spending time and energy constructing feelings around that, use that space to recognize all it not lost.  Change is inevitable, challenge can be rewarding, and life does continue, even if it's on a completely foreign path...all I can do is turn my focus inward... damn it, sometimes I really wish I was an extrovert.  I wish I could process things externally, with people, as opposed to needing to be by myself, in my head...but only I can make myself a victim of my own mind, and so too, only I can make my mind work to my advantage. I know that I can at once be my own worst enemy and my own best cheerleader, and right now, I am really working on improving the way I do the latter for myself.

Broken hearts mend, and this experience will lend itself to clarity, conclusion, and resolution, eventually; but without that mental focus I could allow it to consume me, or to derail me, or to let it all to go whizzing right past me... The only thing I can guarantee myself at this moment, is that this, like so many other experiences I have written about before, will pass...and I am confidant that I will emerge having become a better person for it, even if I have no idea at this moment what that will look like.

Shattered

I'm not one to post quick and dirties, normally I will think a post out, write it, read it, and edit it... But tonight I'm too tired and frustrated, so here it is. Tonight I relearned, for the millionth time, that no matter how genuine, how loving, or how pure an intention- it matters not. Reality is, that everyone else has their own best interest at heart first and foremost. This is apparently quite normal. So, what I need to learn, as fast as fucking possible, is how to quit giving a fuck about other people before me. That sentiment will NEVER be returned. It doesn't mean I shouldn't care about others, I get that, it just means that I will never be #1 in anyone else's book, so I better fucking figure out how to be #1 in my own. I understand this is probably elementary to most, but godfuckingdamnit how many times do I need to be soul raped before I get that?!! Ughhhh. I am so fucking hurt, angry and frustrated, and I have no one but myself to blame. I will learn this, if I have to spend the rest of my days alone to get it. Fucking eh.

***Next morning addendum
Going to sleep hurt and angry will really effect a person's dreams.  After posting this, I fell into a fitful sleep that brought on dreams of clarity.  While I love and respect people in my life, I have not been doing the same for myself, this is why I often feel frustrated with the way that people treat me.  The saying shouldn't be treat others as you want to be treated, but rather, treat YOURSELF as you want to be treated.  I am conscious of this now and will be working towards developing higher standards for how I treat myself.  In essence, I need to learn to honor myself, and in theory, people will do the same.  I have taught every person in my life how to treat me, including those who continually hurt me, I allow this to happen by not honoring myself...hence having no one but myself to blame.  I believe in the power of connection and unconditional love, but because I have thus far failed at providing that for myself, I have yet to experience it outside of myself.  What a ridiculous circle.

Last night in my dreams, I was able to stand outside of myself and watch both how I allow things to unfold for myself as well as experience, almost in a third person sort of way, what that does to my psyche, my heart, and my thought process.  It felt realllllllllly icky in dreamland, and feels even more gross now that I consciously recall it.  I want it to go away.  But, like everything else in this life, it ain't just gunna happen.  Forging new connections in my brain takes both footwork and time...if only it were as simple as flipping a switch.  Sometime I just really wish someone would hold MY hand.

Peachy

As I put a crazy busy week to rest yesterday, I sat down on my couch in the silence that was my first hours of alone time in probably ten days.  I have been over scheduled every day, and...if I am honest, it was mostly purposeful.  I was afraid of what might come from the solace... emotion...sadness...feeling like a failure...just fear in general.  And, I was pretty much on point with that.  The quiet was heavy, almost crushing.  All the anxiety I felt all week bubbled up inside me.  I let my mind wonder, noticing where it went as I let it roam off the leash.  I questioned what I have felt in the last 6 months, I wondered if I had just told myself some fairy tale and if any of it were at all real in the first place.  I wondered... if it was real, and I really did feel the things I felt, would I ever get to experience any of that again? I scolded myself for being such a fool.  I told myself it was never as earth shaking an experience for her, and that like all of my other failed attempts at relationships, I was never going to be what she wanted or needed.  Which made me wonder...am I what I want or need for ME? I wondered if I am destined to be by myself, will I never figure this thing out?  I questioned the validity of the statement 'meant to be'.

The self judgement that goes hand in hand with living in the same body as my brain is really tough to deal with at times.  I realize part of the reason I had never really fallen in love before was because I had never really let myself truly fall, never really let myself completely experience the range of emotion that is the unconscious act of falling in love.  The reason for that is simple- because I had always been scared of feeling the way that I do now.  That lost, lonely, loser feeling that comes when a part of ones life suddenly changes.  I have no anger about the situation, and there is a tiny sliver of my soul that believes this is not the end, but the beginning of something greater than my wounded tunnel vision can see right now.  There is much more to experience, to feel, to take in...and as much as I am judging myself for feeling the way I feel right now, for having to commit any of this shit to type, in the interest of transparency for this blog and myself I will do it.  I realize I am only scratching the surface at the moment, but at least something is coming out...

I just wish the icky, shitty, self esteem stuff would take a hike. I know that this is all part of the process, it will get better, those feelings of failure will fade over time, BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.  I want to just cry it out...have one good heaving, snotty, blurry eyed cry about it all, but right now, that all seems blocked. It seems like it's all frozen in one big lump in my chest.  It's uncomfortable, and annoying.  And then there's that whole lesson part...mother fucker. I need to figure that out. I do not want to continue repeating this lesson, I suppose if there is any anger, it is surrounding my apparent inability to figure out what the fuck I am supposed to be learning...it is so incredibly fucking frustrating, because I know the answer lies within me...it's kind of like holding two puzzle pieces that fit together if only I could line up the correct edges so they snap together. 

Not everything can be peachy all the time, as much as I sometimes wish that were the case. 
We all have our moments of feeling less than stellar about ourselves...it just so happens that I promised myself to keep record of the peachy times and the ones that aren't so awesome.  I read somewhere this morning that sometimes tiny pieces of ourselves have to die in order to make room for rebirth, renewal and reinvention.  So, I guess I should just sit with this sad, lonely, empty feeling for a bit and see where it leads.  My eyes are open, even if my heart is slammed shut...

Ebony and Irony

If you missed yesterday's Heavy post, pop back and peruse, it's short, and this one will be to...I am breaking toes left and right lately, tripping over life's irony and I thought I would share this latest bit, because it's so uncanny it is funny!

CAPRICORN Apr, 05, 2013
There is an ongoing problem you've been dealing with that has been on your mind a lot lately. It seems like you can't escape this problem. Even when you find a way to forget about it, it creeps back into your mind. And even when it seems to be solved, it recurs again. This is happening for a reason, Capricorn. Until you can figure out what you are supposed to learn from this experience, you can expect it to happen over and over. Pay closer attention to the lessons in your life, and you'll move beyond this issue.

Well, that pretty much blows my post from yesterday to bits, eh?!  I put in for a brain vacation and boom, I get my answer in black and white in less than 12 hours. Duly noted. Well played universe, well played. Sometimes, all I can do is sit back and have a great, big, belly laugh at myself...I recommend it, completely!  Even though my heart hurts and my brain feels scrambled, I guess it's time I get down and dirty to the nittiest of gritty.  If anyone needs me I will be over here in the corner, reminding myself that doing the work is hard, but the pay offs can be immense, if only I keep my eye on the intangible prize. Happy fuck yeah Friday, indeed!

Heavy

Ahh, that old, familiar, sinking feeling of change. After the last couple of weeks, I should be used to it...funny how the key to happiness is recognizing impermanence and thus letting go of the artificial feeling of attachment, but human nature is to avoid change and seek attachment.

I am at peace with the way things are, because it is what it is, but at the same time, I am sad, and judging myself for that sadness.  Although it is just change, it feels like loss. I have grieved the loss of relationships before, but each one is different, and two at once is infinitely more difficult.  All I can do is hold on and keep my eyes peeled for still more lessons on my journey.  There are days I envy those who seem to have completed their 'hard lessons' and are enjoying that blissful coasting period...I really, really want that...although with each lesson I learn I feel further away from it and wonder if that peace will ever be mine.  I also wonder what in me seems to continually catapult me in this cycle. 

I do know I have made every effort this past year or so to be true to myself, even if I have stumbled along the way, and still yet, I find myself right back at the starting point again.  As fucking impossibly hard as it has been, I have actually done me these past few weeks... and it was (and is) fucking painful, but I am proud to actually be doing it... no matter how tough.  I intend to stick with that, but at this moment...

I am tired. And weary. And scared.  I do not think I am tired enough nor scared enough to give up on myself, but I may take a little break from all this consciousness stuff, if only for a few days.  I want to disappear, and while I am away I would like my conscious self to work out all the heavy shit that is brewing inside of me.  Then, I can come back in a few days, refreshed and ready to start anew.

Of course, I know that won't happen, but...a girl can dream right?

Transparency

So, I grew up in what many would call a middle class, conservative family.  I went to Catholic schools, although I would not say I was the poster child Catholic school girl.  In fact, I would venture to say that from an early age, I was the antithesis of Catholic school girl... not on purpose, I just never quite fit the mold of quiet, demur, well mannered or soft spoken.  I have always been a bit brash, I have never been that great at recognizing social ques, and I have, for most of my life, had a hard time accepting things without question.  This never boded well in my tiny Catholic grade school of 300 kids...My earliest memories of knowing I was adopted come into focus around preschool or kindergarten.  I remember being proud of it, and talking about it, and I remember being hushed... like that was something 'we don't talk about' outside the home...and there were many more 'social fails' over the years, asking questions to the wrong people, talking about things that apparently were deemed inappropriate to talk about, either at school or amongst my extended family. In grade 7 or 8, I was 1 of 2 dissenters when it came time to 'confirm our faith in the Catholic church'.  I could not understand why we were given a choice that was not really a choice... like, of course you can question the faith, just be sure to ask the 'polite questions' (and, by the way, arguing whether or not the bread and wine actually transform into the body and blood of Christ, not on the list of polite questions to ask the priest), and you can absolutely choose whether or not you want to be confirmed, so long as your choice is to be confirmed...head spinning yet?! Mine was then, and it still is now.

This is not a post about my adoption. Or my experiences growing up in the Catholic Church.  Really, what I am getting at is that feeling I have always had about being in the wrong.  Sure, my parents loved me (and still do), and yes, I absolutely have support, now more so than as a kid.  And despite getting this nagging feeling (kind of often) that I am doing something wrong, I have, for the most part, followed my heart, as opposed to blindly doing what others tell me I 'should do'.  And I gotta tell ya, it is SUPER fucking hard to do at times.Especially when following my heart means going directly against those who matter most to me. 

I truly believe that in life, we should be afforded every opportunity to pursue our own happiness, to make our own mistakes, to fall on our faces, and to pick ourselves up and start again.  I also believe that while none of us are special or unique, we do all have our own process, and our own way of going about things.  We have the right to our own opinions, although that right, in my humble opinion, does NOT include spewing those opinions on the unwilling or degrading those who do not share opinions similar to our own.  I guess that all sounds kind of wishy washy, but all I can say is that I do endeavor to understand where other people are coming from, even if I may not agree with what they think. Occasionally, this is another one of those SUPER fucking hard tasks.  I sometimes find it tough to honor my own beliefs (and opinions) whilst attempting to do no harm to others, especially when others differing opinions are in direct opposition...

In the last couple of months I have run up against this difficulty... and no matter how hard I try to get around it, no matter which bend or fork or turn I have tried taking, it seems to always be RIGHT THERE.  5 or six months ago, I fell in love with a beautiful person, our personalities mesh, we enjoy many of the same things, we have great conversation, we have fun doing the smallest things, we enjoy each others company, we support one another, we are learning what it is to be in a real and true partnership, and I could NOT be more ecstatic about it...

I have hesitated to write a 'coming out' post on here, because it seems so cliche, and I don't feel like I was ever 'in' anywhere.  Nor did most of my friends... while she is the first girl I have exclusively dated, I have never really viewed sexuality (or anything in life, for that matter) as something that is that black and white.  So, for the most part, no one was caught off guard or shocked, they saw how happy I was and were happy for me, end of story... well, not exactly.  Everyone was happy for me, for us, but nearly all of my friends had the same concern. After the initial congratulatory salutations 'what is your mom going to say' or some such mantra would eventually come from the mouths of most of my close friends.  And it saddens me deeply to say, that my mother, out of everyone in my life has been the only dissenter.  So I suppose one could say I am 'coming out' of a fog that was blissful ignorance.  I would have never imagined the most homophobic person in my life would be my mother.

Her initial reaction and words stung. A lot.  They shook me to my core.  I was prepared for her to take a little time to come around, but to say I underestimated her reaction would be an understatement.  So, I stepped back, tried to regain my footing, and resolved to give her some time.  She's old school, I told myself... and everyone rallied around me, assuring me that it would only take time for her to see how happy I was and that she would eventually come around.  So, I gave her time.  And so here I stand, nearly six months later... living two separate lives... the life that my partner and I and my friends and loved ones experience together. And the life that is my mom and I on an island of make believe with no sign of Mr. Rogers.  This is definitely an example of how separate but equal is indeed NEVER equal.

I go back and forth on how I feel about this.  On the one hand, I am saddened, disheartened, in disbelief.  I am confused as to why the gender of the person I am happy with matters at all.  Because I hadn't really ever thought about it in terms of gender.  Or in terms of a gay or lesbian label. What I am experiencing is love, on a very deep and real level.  What I am experiencing is what my mother has professed to want for me my entire adult life.  On the other hand, I see my mom, and her Catholic belief system.  I see that she has had this belief system her entire life, and I see that there have been times it's worked for her, and times she has struggled because of it.   I see an increased distance between the two of us, over something I perceive to be pretty fucking trivial, but she perceives to be incredibly important.  I see both of us struggling on opposite sides of a fence.  And, no matter from which angle I view this, I do not see a happy medium.  I cannot for the life of me figure out a grey shade to put this in to make this situation make sense.

I know I cannot change her mind, I also know that she has the right to her own opinion.  What I am desperately trying to figure out is how my happiness and her opinions can find some sibilance of  coexistence.  For now, I have decided to disengage for a while... because while I am frustrated and angry, I still love her, I just don't trust that I will be able to honor her view point without spewing my own on her in my current state of frustration. I am sure there are many parts of her view point I have not yet been able to take into account because of my own feelings in this situation.  So maybe space will help...and maybe it won't, I don't know, all I can do is continue putting one foot in front of the other.

As long winded and whiny as this post may seem, I have got to say I am truly lucky to have the people I do in my life... I have a really amazing and supportive girlfriend who has been completely awesome with this entire thing, she has definitely offered strength and perspective and had the patience of a saint- all reasons that I love her completely.  My dad, as usual, is my rock.  I totally admire how level headed he can be, even when two of the most important women in his life are at odds, I have NO IDEA where I would be without him.  And, I can't forget that I have the most fucking amazing friends on the planet. Hands down.  All of whom have been so fucking sweet and understanding. I love all of you, it's because of you all that I know all is not lost, this is just another bump in the road, from which I will carry on. <3

Golden

I have admittedly had trouble finding words to match my thoughts lately... actually, I think I have had a little trouble finding my voice. At some point I think I may have subconsciously silenced it, and that silence has been affecting me a lot lately.  I have a ton of posts working in draft mode right now, but I have been unable to string any of them together in cohesive form, which to me is usually a sign that I am not through muddling in the substance contained in them.  I have had an odd sort of writers block, like I get the idea or thought down and then lose the words to articulate my point... but this past week I have become aware of the need to just get SOMETHING out, even if it isn't cohesive, even if it doesn't make sense; just to forge through and let the process of purging take hold of me.  My hope is that some clarity will come out it... maybe it will, maybe it won't either way, I doubt it could hurt....

So, as I have written before... I am an emotional creature... I bumble about life 'feeling' my way through, and sometimes this is an illuminating process and sometimes it is a dark and scary backwoods path, both of which I believe to be beautiful and necessary. What's come to my attention recently is that while I feel a lot of stuff very deeply...exhaustively so at times, I am not always good at the outward part of that feeling, again- it's no secret I tend to brood and get stuck in my own mental process.  Unfortunately for those close to me, this can at times result in my outside not matching my inside, which is confusing for me, I cannot imagine how confusing it is for those close to me.  And trust, it is seriously frustrating to me.  Because at some point, that inner shit bubbles outward, and usually takes the form of anger, sadness or fear...

When I do not honor whatever it is that is going on inside of me, it effects EVERYTHING else in my life.  Things that I should be able to take in stride anger or irritate me to no end.  My feelings get hurt easily, I take dumb shit personally, I mope, I brood... ok, you get the picture.  So... after a particularly tough week of taking a lot of shit personally, shit coming from COMPLETE STRANGERS, I was pretty fucking down yesterday... and that sadness turned into anger.  Like, how dare people be so ignorantly fucking judgmental and rude, and I ran with that, but, in my anger I start to realize that I have no right to be angry.  What other people think of me (ESPECIALLY people who do not know me) is really none of my business and a complete waste of my time and an enormous drain on my energy.  I was physically and mentally exhausted last night.  And so, after a good night's sleep I arose today, resolved to let the dumb shit go for what it is and get on with things. 

So, I get to work, and as I walk in the lobby I see that it is trashed.  Fliers are strewn everywhere, crumpled, torn, the entire lobby is in a state of general discombobulation.  And I can feel my blood pressure rising...my inner dialogue starts ranting 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? Why do people feel the need to just destroy shit, to have no regard for things that are not theirs??'  And so it went, as I cleaned up the mess all the while, resenting the anonymous asshats that created it. 

So, I am left to wonder... what is it about these situations that REALLY bothers me? Why do they evoke such a reaction in me?  How is it that I can give my power to complete fucking strangers...and WHY do I do that?  I think the answer lies in the fact that there are other things in my life I choose not to react to, as if I stuff my shit in other circumstances.  So when something less personal comes up, I allow my emotions and reactions derived from the ignored circumstances to come out in the assumed safety of the anonymity of the other party.  Huh.  I am fairly certain I am on to something there, I just need to figure out why I block things to begin with.  For the most part, I am starting to become aware of when I do it, it's the why that stumps me.

I know it has something to do with not wanting others to have to 'deal with' my shit, which is in fact a cop out...it is probably more true that this is a defense mechanism I developed a long time ago, and at the time, I am sure it was necessary, but at some point it became my pattern for dealing (or rather, not dealing).  I know it isn't needed or working for me now. I have no reason NOT to be authentic with the people in my life, that is why I so vigilant about who I am and am not close to.  I have to find a way to re-frame the way that I think about my stuff... instead of thinking everyone's stuff is more important, or judging whatever I am feeling to be trivial or unimportant, I think it is important to just honor that shit in the moment, but goddamn! That is hard.  Just writing this makes me feel all victim-y and weird, which is also probably worth a moment of reflection. All of this is certainly part of a loop track I have yet to be able to cease or at the least vary a bit, but my determination to do so has definitely been renewed. Oh, the things that make me go hmmm....