A Priori

I find it difficult some days to show up and be myself, it's like whatever this internal conflict is going on inside me takes over....I am not necessarily sad, but I definitely feel as though I am in some sort of extended transition period.  It's not the most exciting or comfortable space to be in, but it isn't terrible either... just letting it all flow, and trusting that this too, won't last forever.  All I can do at the moment is stay open, and more importantly, aware of all that is going on in my head and my heart.  Even when I feel as though it's a chore, I am still eternally grateful for my own consciousness. I read a bit on the Evolution of the Imagination in the Western World this morning and it brought to light many of the concepts I have been struggling with  internally... things for which I had no prior means to articulate.  In essence, I believe my 'inner Plato' has been doing battle with my 'inner Aristotle'.  The inner Plato wants me to reason everything to death, attempting (and failing) to make all of my experiences neat and grounded, while the inner Aristotle is trying to prove that reason cannot always work in every situation.  I like Aristotle, I agree with his concept of the imagination, it makes more sense to run things through the imaginative filter first, as opposed to Plato's concept of skipping straight to reason.  But I grew up with a Christian filter... my default is to lean on Plato, even if my intuition tries to tell me to lean on Aristotle, that Christian filter tells me not to trust my intuition in the first place.  So I end up chasing my proverbial tale, quite a lot... I find it fascinating that concepts I unconsciously absorbed growing up still effect my thinking today, even when I attempt to consciously push them out of my psyche. There is a lot more to this inner Plato vs. Aristotle battle, of that I am sure... but at least for now I think I have the beginnings of my finger on the concept...I can see Plato at work in my life right now-

Plato-Here lately, I've scarcely had time to breathe... in an effort to keep myself out of trouble and keep myself from repeating the same silly mistakes over and over, I took on a third job.  On a slow week I am averaging about 60 hours between the three jobs.  The third one occupies most of my nights and weekends, and for the most part, that is exactly what I wanted.  It has helped me stay out of my head and has kept me generally focused (grounded) on forward motion (in reason).  I feel challenged...something that I seem to only be able to obtain through a packed schedule and multitasking (because the alternative challenge in my imagination appears to be too scary??).  It has left me little personal time, and for now, I am good with that.  (strangely [or not] I seem to be dreaming A LOT more than usual...hmmm...) 

Aristotle-There seems to be a great deal of shifting going on internally right now, so my plan is to stick with this crazy schedule and let the shifting happen internally as long as possible, at a certain point I know I will need to consciously deal with all the internal stuff, but I am also aware that I am not ready for that quite yet.(And, there's Plato, sneaking up on me.)

The third job has provided me with the opportunity to meet new people, experience new things, and to rediscover the joy in hard work (well, there's that puritan, Christian informed ethic). It has also tested the limits of my introversion, which I believe is necessary for this next stage in growth.  Being the silent observer has it's benefits, but I cannot spend all my time around other people in my head.... people start to wonder and look at you funny! Plus, everyone around me seems to do a great job of reminding me to 'loosen up'.  In fact, it has been said to me so often in the last couple weeks, even I am annoyed by my quiet brooding, (and right about now I want to say fuck you, Plato!).  In the middle of a loud and very crowded club this weekend, an older gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and flashed a gigantic smile, I then realized I was concentrating so intently on maneuvering through the crowd that I was frowning.  I smiled back at him and mouthed the words 'thank you', sometimes I just need a reminder- I wear everything that is in my head on my face...  I still feel awkwardly alone in rooms full of people, but I am trying to be ok with it... This past weekend was full of new and crazy experiences, and this up coming weekend promises to be more of the same...

It seems as though what is happening is that I have to make a conscious and consistent effort to bring reason (or Plato) back into the helm of my thoughts, because as Jean so beautifully stated-

     Transcendental or productive imagination is an active,
     spontaneous power, a process that begins of itself and by itself.
     It's not primed through any external agency.

Where as it seems that reason takes a considerable amount of effort... it's almost the opposite of the spontaneity of the imagination.  So I am going to keep soaking it all in, and maybe STOP trying to unpack every single fucking thing...because I believe this to be the meat of where the two concepts are fighting it out in my head...jesus, sometimes I wish I could just get out of my own goddamned way!!!!

Beginning

i think I am beginning to understand what really comes from lying in pieces on the bedroom floor. And I am at peace with that. 

Tread Lightly

There is a lot of stuff rattling around in my brain, I am having a hard time putting it to words, but as each day passes, it gets more crowded up there, so I guess I better try to let some of it out...

I refuse to falsify resolutions and/or conclusions in the interest of 'being done with it'. While it is 1,000,000 times more uncomfortable to do so, I will sit with a resolution until I've ratified it in my head. There is definitely gratitude in that.  Although, this process does tend to lead to making simple things complicated...and fuck, am I am all too familiar with that.  I am also familiar with taking on other people's shit...when I do that, I cover up my own, and hence provide myself with the necessary veil to ignore my own lessons.  I know that the awareness of all this comes as an aside to being conscious, which on most days I am grateful for, but I do sometimes wish I could just go back to compartmentalizing things...

Swimming through the dark and murky waters of my brain...  Thankfully, I know how to swim, but the water is cold and my muscles are getting fatigued...I have begun taking the necessary precautions to conserve energy, but nothing really cures that lactic acid burn except time at rest.  That's a tall order, how to rest while treading water...hmm, perhaps I should just put my feet down and see if I can touch the bottom. Focus. Remember, this all boils down to self. Self acceptance, self assuredness, self awareness. 

Loneliness is a construct of my own mind, instead of spending time and energy constructing feelings around that, use that space to recognize all it not lost.  Change is inevitable, challenge can be rewarding, and life does continue, even if it's on a completely foreign path...all I can do is turn my focus inward... damn it, sometimes I really wish I was an extrovert.  I wish I could process things externally, with people, as opposed to needing to be by myself, in my head...but only I can make myself a victim of my own mind, and so too, only I can make my mind work to my advantage. I know that I can at once be my own worst enemy and my own best cheerleader, and right now, I am really working on improving the way I do the latter for myself.

Broken hearts mend, and this experience will lend itself to clarity, conclusion, and resolution, eventually; but without that mental focus I could allow it to consume me, or to derail me, or to let it all to go whizzing right past me... The only thing I can guarantee myself at this moment, is that this, like so many other experiences I have written about before, will pass...and I am confidant that I will emerge having become a better person for it, even if I have no idea at this moment what that will look like.

Shattered

I'm not one to post quick and dirties, normally I will think a post out, write it, read it, and edit it... But tonight I'm too tired and frustrated, so here it is. Tonight I relearned, for the millionth time, that no matter how genuine, how loving, or how pure an intention- it matters not. Reality is, that everyone else has their own best interest at heart first and foremost. This is apparently quite normal. So, what I need to learn, as fast as fucking possible, is how to quit giving a fuck about other people before me. That sentiment will NEVER be returned. It doesn't mean I shouldn't care about others, I get that, it just means that I will never be #1 in anyone else's book, so I better fucking figure out how to be #1 in my own. I understand this is probably elementary to most, but godfuckingdamnit how many times do I need to be soul raped before I get that?!! Ughhhh. I am so fucking hurt, angry and frustrated, and I have no one but myself to blame. I will learn this, if I have to spend the rest of my days alone to get it. Fucking eh.

***Next morning addendum
Going to sleep hurt and angry will really effect a person's dreams.  After posting this, I fell into a fitful sleep that brought on dreams of clarity.  While I love and respect people in my life, I have not been doing the same for myself, this is why I often feel frustrated with the way that people treat me.  The saying shouldn't be treat others as you want to be treated, but rather, treat YOURSELF as you want to be treated.  I am conscious of this now and will be working towards developing higher standards for how I treat myself.  In essence, I need to learn to honor myself, and in theory, people will do the same.  I have taught every person in my life how to treat me, including those who continually hurt me, I allow this to happen by not honoring myself...hence having no one but myself to blame.  I believe in the power of connection and unconditional love, but because I have thus far failed at providing that for myself, I have yet to experience it outside of myself.  What a ridiculous circle.

Last night in my dreams, I was able to stand outside of myself and watch both how I allow things to unfold for myself as well as experience, almost in a third person sort of way, what that does to my psyche, my heart, and my thought process.  It felt realllllllllly icky in dreamland, and feels even more gross now that I consciously recall it.  I want it to go away.  But, like everything else in this life, it ain't just gunna happen.  Forging new connections in my brain takes both footwork and time...if only it were as simple as flipping a switch.  Sometime I just really wish someone would hold MY hand.

Peachy

As I put a crazy busy week to rest yesterday, I sat down on my couch in the silence that was my first hours of alone time in probably ten days.  I have been over scheduled every day, and...if I am honest, it was mostly purposeful.  I was afraid of what might come from the solace... emotion...sadness...feeling like a failure...just fear in general.  And, I was pretty much on point with that.  The quiet was heavy, almost crushing.  All the anxiety I felt all week bubbled up inside me.  I let my mind wonder, noticing where it went as I let it roam off the leash.  I questioned what I have felt in the last 6 months, I wondered if I had just told myself some fairy tale and if any of it were at all real in the first place.  I wondered... if it was real, and I really did feel the things I felt, would I ever get to experience any of that again? I scolded myself for being such a fool.  I told myself it was never as earth shaking an experience for her, and that like all of my other failed attempts at relationships, I was never going to be what she wanted or needed.  Which made me wonder...am I what I want or need for ME? I wondered if I am destined to be by myself, will I never figure this thing out?  I questioned the validity of the statement 'meant to be'.

The self judgement that goes hand in hand with living in the same body as my brain is really tough to deal with at times.  I realize part of the reason I had never really fallen in love before was because I had never really let myself truly fall, never really let myself completely experience the range of emotion that is the unconscious act of falling in love.  The reason for that is simple- because I had always been scared of feeling the way that I do now.  That lost, lonely, loser feeling that comes when a part of ones life suddenly changes.  I have no anger about the situation, and there is a tiny sliver of my soul that believes this is not the end, but the beginning of something greater than my wounded tunnel vision can see right now.  There is much more to experience, to feel, to take in...and as much as I am judging myself for feeling the way I feel right now, for having to commit any of this shit to type, in the interest of transparency for this blog and myself I will do it.  I realize I am only scratching the surface at the moment, but at least something is coming out...

I just wish the icky, shitty, self esteem stuff would take a hike. I know that this is all part of the process, it will get better, those feelings of failure will fade over time, BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.  I want to just cry it out...have one good heaving, snotty, blurry eyed cry about it all, but right now, that all seems blocked. It seems like it's all frozen in one big lump in my chest.  It's uncomfortable, and annoying.  And then there's that whole lesson part...mother fucker. I need to figure that out. I do not want to continue repeating this lesson, I suppose if there is any anger, it is surrounding my apparent inability to figure out what the fuck I am supposed to be learning...it is so incredibly fucking frustrating, because I know the answer lies within me...it's kind of like holding two puzzle pieces that fit together if only I could line up the correct edges so they snap together. 

Not everything can be peachy all the time, as much as I sometimes wish that were the case. 
We all have our moments of feeling less than stellar about ourselves...it just so happens that I promised myself to keep record of the peachy times and the ones that aren't so awesome.  I read somewhere this morning that sometimes tiny pieces of ourselves have to die in order to make room for rebirth, renewal and reinvention.  So, I guess I should just sit with this sad, lonely, empty feeling for a bit and see where it leads.  My eyes are open, even if my heart is slammed shut...

Ebony and Irony

If you missed yesterday's Heavy post, pop back and peruse, it's short, and this one will be to...I am breaking toes left and right lately, tripping over life's irony and I thought I would share this latest bit, because it's so uncanny it is funny!

CAPRICORN Apr, 05, 2013
There is an ongoing problem you've been dealing with that has been on your mind a lot lately. It seems like you can't escape this problem. Even when you find a way to forget about it, it creeps back into your mind. And even when it seems to be solved, it recurs again. This is happening for a reason, Capricorn. Until you can figure out what you are supposed to learn from this experience, you can expect it to happen over and over. Pay closer attention to the lessons in your life, and you'll move beyond this issue.

Well, that pretty much blows my post from yesterday to bits, eh?!  I put in for a brain vacation and boom, I get my answer in black and white in less than 12 hours. Duly noted. Well played universe, well played. Sometimes, all I can do is sit back and have a great, big, belly laugh at myself...I recommend it, completely!  Even though my heart hurts and my brain feels scrambled, I guess it's time I get down and dirty to the nittiest of gritty.  If anyone needs me I will be over here in the corner, reminding myself that doing the work is hard, but the pay offs can be immense, if only I keep my eye on the intangible prize. Happy fuck yeah Friday, indeed!

Heavy

Ahh, that old, familiar, sinking feeling of change. After the last couple of weeks, I should be used to it...funny how the key to happiness is recognizing impermanence and thus letting go of the artificial feeling of attachment, but human nature is to avoid change and seek attachment.

I am at peace with the way things are, because it is what it is, but at the same time, I am sad, and judging myself for that sadness.  Although it is just change, it feels like loss. I have grieved the loss of relationships before, but each one is different, and two at once is infinitely more difficult.  All I can do is hold on and keep my eyes peeled for still more lessons on my journey.  There are days I envy those who seem to have completed their 'hard lessons' and are enjoying that blissful coasting period...I really, really want that...although with each lesson I learn I feel further away from it and wonder if that peace will ever be mine.  I also wonder what in me seems to continually catapult me in this cycle. 

I do know I have made every effort this past year or so to be true to myself, even if I have stumbled along the way, and still yet, I find myself right back at the starting point again.  As fucking impossibly hard as it has been, I have actually done me these past few weeks... and it was (and is) fucking painful, but I am proud to actually be doing it... no matter how tough.  I intend to stick with that, but at this moment...

I am tired. And weary. And scared.  I do not think I am tired enough nor scared enough to give up on myself, but I may take a little break from all this consciousness stuff, if only for a few days.  I want to disappear, and while I am away I would like my conscious self to work out all the heavy shit that is brewing inside of me.  Then, I can come back in a few days, refreshed and ready to start anew.

Of course, I know that won't happen, but...a girl can dream right?