Monday, February 2, 2015

The Three Wise Men

For my entire adult life I have pondered the age old question Is He or She The One? In all honesty, I didn't actually believe there was such a thing.  Despite my doubts, I got engaged in my early 20's to my 'high school sweetheart' from whom I'd be estranged, and reconnected... I took that reconnection as a sign that it was 'meant to be'.  I still wasn't convinced of the whole 'The One' thing, but many of my peers were getting married and it seemed like the logical next step. Through out the course of that engagement, I attempted to convince myself that this was it... to no avail, I called it off.  I spent better part of the next 4 or 5 years in relationships for all the wrong reasons, then I spent the next 4 or 5 years detaching from relationships completely. 

By the time my 30's hit, I was pretty convinced that there was no such thing as 'The One', or at least if there was, there certainly wasn't a 'One' for yours truly.  By now, many of those same married friends were trudging through divorce and some were marching on to their second marriages.  And I was just as baffled by the entire idea as I'd been a decade before.  And look, I am well aware that we all have different paths... and I have said more than eleventy billion times that I believe it all happens for a reason. Sure, there has been a lot of self doubt sprinkled throughout the last 5 years... I asked myself the same questions over and over again... what in the fuck am I doing? what in the fuck is wrong with me? and on and on, if you have been around this blog for even a little bit, you will have realized by now that I spend a whole lotta time in my head.  I decided that marriage was nothing more than a social construction to keep us all on the neat and tidy path of the straight and narrow. At the same time, I couldn't shake the thought that it seemed as though I was doomed to be solo for life, no matter how I tried, no one 'measured up' and I was through trying to make myself settle for the sake of some couple-dom utopia that I was fairly certain all my coupled-up friends were faking anyway. 

Throughout that time, all the self doubt, the questioning, the fear, bewilderment, you name it... I had some fucking amazing support from stellar friends and family. They supported me in whatever way they could.  Through the good, the bad, and often times the ugly... my Dad and my Brother remained my champions.  I knew that all they wanted was for me to be happy, and they would've done just about anything to help me make that happen for myself.  They let me cry and snot on them, sometimes fighting back their own tears, they listened when I wondered why this person was such a douche or how someone could have such little concern for anything outside themselves.  Of course, I also analyzed all this shit in my head (and a lot of it on here) then I reanalyzed it.  I complicated every single damned thing, and while my dad and brother are the kind of people who are puzzled by this self deprecating process, they recognized it to be my process, and honored the beautiful disaster in me, as best they could.  Many a conversation I had with my brother or my dad where they were just so frustrated at how I couldn't get IT.  But never once, did either of them show even a sliver of doubt in me. Of course, I took care of that piece all on my own, haha.

Up until that point, I had built a pretty exhaustive list of what I did not want for myself. I had 'no' down to a science.  I can remember endless conversations with my brother, ever the pragmatist and protector... Well, what do you want? And all I could ever think was- not this or not that.  Many a night were spent imbibing and diatribing about life and love, he trying so desperately to understand where I was coming from, and I blurry eyed, mascara running down my face, and tear stained cheeks, attempting to grasp his perspective.  With my Pops the conversations were more the cheerleading variety- always quick with the 'there's somebody out there for everybody, sweet pea, you'll find em...', he would show up at my job, just to give me a hug and remind me that I was ok, that things were hard but would eventually work out.  On and on it went, for years.  And today, I can safely say, those moments were what allowed me to cling to any sliver of hope... Even if I seemed to find every jack-ass, detached asshole in a 30mile radius, at least I had two shining examples of what the good guys looked like. I always knew I was fortunate to have them in my life, but I suppose here lately I am realizing just how fortunate I am.

At some point I just decided to say fuck it. No more game. No more self doubt. No more wishing or hoping or any of it.  Pretty sure it was that fuck it clarity that finally shifted my perspective because it wasn't until then that I realized... what I wanted was a blend of what my dad and my brother have been modeling for me my whole life- loving, supportive, creative, concerned, funny, hard working, honest, loyal, and real.  Not too tall an order, eh?! Well as the old and very, very trite saying goes- that moment I stopped looking, however unconscious it was at the time, I found him. Or, he found me? However you want to say it.  If you read that article I linked in the beginning of the post, he is it.  Over complication out the window-I love him and I believe both our lives to be better with each other in them (and yes, I'd give 'em a kidney, haha). It's as if there is a certain amount of unconsciousness that has to be present in order to be conscious... and that balance is very, very, delicate.

In the last 4 or 5 months, conversations with my dad and brother have shifted.  Recently, I went out to have a pint with my dad, as we are sitting there, I am yammering on a mile a minute about how I am still pinching myself everyday that I found someone so amazing, and my eyes are welling up, and his eyes are welling up, and I just stop, and I stare at my big, strong, rock of a daddy... with tears of joy in his eyes, cause I am happier than he's ever seen me.  My brother has shared the same sentiments with me, and all I can say is that I am fucking floored to now have what I consider to be the three finest men on the planet in my life.  I don't know how in the hell I got so lucky, but I know enough not to question it, and to never, ever take it for granted.  I love you guys, so much.  Thanks for loving the beautiful disaster that is me, I am grateful for all three of you every single day. <3

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