So, my brother from another mother is getting married this weekend. I am beyond thrilled for him... and for the last few days or weeks I have been completely sappy and sentimental. We listened to a few of the songs on their wedding playlist this past weekend, and I am not gunna lie, I cried-through most of it. Not sad tears, happy ones. Because if there is anyone in this whole world who deserves the kind of happiness, the kind of joy, the kind of pure love and contentment he has right now, it is him. He is the definition of the better man, he is the best friend and best big brother anyone could ever imagine.
I am unsure when or how we became close like siblings... maybe because
we suffer from only child syndrome... we are biologically pre-programmed
to go out and find and collect tribe members. Maybe it's timing, maybe
it's because we are so alike in many ways and so crazy different in
others... All I know is, I have never had a friend like him, and I
doubt I will find another sibling connection like it in my lifetime...
Lying in bed last night I started thinking about what he meant to me, what he has done for me, what he has taught me. I tried to remember the first time we met, and well, for those of you who know me, I have a TERRIBLE memory! So, I could not pinpoint that first meeting in the fog that was my teen aged years. I know it was about 15 years ago, and I know we had to have been at Bob Evans (where I waited tables) or Perkins (where he cooked and waited tables). I can remember countless nights, hanging out at either place, collecting a gaggle of life time friends, smoking cigarettes and drinking gallon after gallon of shit coffee. Being made fun of non-stop for my love of punk and ska, and slowly being converted to metal and hardcore. Yeah, those were the days.
The summer I was 17 I totaled my car. I was terrified to drive for MONTHS. No matter, my bfam drove me 15 miles to the shitty hole-in-the-wall truck stop I worked at, dropped me off, drove 15 miles home and then did it all over again when my shift was over. And never complained once, I don't remember if I ever thanked him for that... When I finally got a new car it was exactly what I didn't want, a standard. I remember going out with my dad to learn how to drive that clutch, I think I lasted about 2 minutes before I got frustrated and walked home. The next day, my bfam took me out and taught me in half an hour. Oh those hills, damn I hated them at first! But we did end up having some pretty fun times in that Toyota Celica, for sure!
He was there to pick me up and put me back together every time some stupid boy shattered my heart into a million pieces. Long since graduated, he suffered through my high school graduation, and two college graduations, bless his freaking heart! He agreed to stand up in my wedding, and then stood by me when I had to make the decision to call it off. When I thought things would NEVER get better again, he let me cry, he let me hurt, and then reminded me that it would. He has long since had standards for me and the way I should let others treat me, that have taken me over a decade to apply for myself! He is as loyal a friend as they come, even though it isn't a point system, it is.
He is the only friend I know who will drop everything and come to my aide if I need it that bad. What's that? Blown clutch, of course I will come tow you. You need an air conditioner put in, I will be right there. Yes, I would love to go to this shitty concert with you, because I know you want to go. His catch phrase is 'let's make it happen' and make it happen he does, on a daily basis. Over the course of our friendship, there have been so many times he could have reveled in that 'I told ya so' spot, but he hasn't. He has let me fall on my face, and then helped me dust myself off and start over, again, for the 400th time! All with the patience of a saint.
Memories aside, there is something he has given me that I will never be able to quantify or explain...although I can try. He has taught me the power of NEVER giving up. He has shown me that NO MATTER what shit life flings at you, it's a choice in how you run with it. You can sit around and wallow, or you can make something happen. He has taught me that life ain't easy, but putting in the elbow grease pays off, every time... even if it isn't in the time frame my impatient brain wants! His momma did a good job raising him- the manners, tenacity, and perseverance he has are a rare, rare combination these days FOR SURE.
In the past couple of years, I have had the distinct pleasure of watching him grow and transcend...I have witnessed countless light bulbs light up in his mind. I have seen him transform from the guy he was to the man he is today. I was there when his life path took a sharp, uncharted turn, and witnessed him find his way again... all with the kind of grace and dignity I can only hope to have someday. He met the love of his life, and has built an amazing life with her. I'd be remiss not to gush about her as well... When they first met, I was leery of her to say the least... I was convinced she was nothing more than another crazy bitch, and I was NOT gunna stand by and watch him get hurt again. Much to my surprise, she was as persistent at making him happy as I was at trying to hate her. And, let me tell ya, she makes it virtually impossible to hate her.
She is strong and independent, she takes shit from no one. She is confident, sweet, beautiful and generous... and it didn't take long to realize she didn't have a crazy bitch bone in her body! Eventually I was happy he had found someone to make him happy, I never thought such an amazing friendship would come out of this, but I am grateful for her every single day in more ways than you could imagine. She's taught me how to have fun again, how to laugh at myself, she has given me confidence and has secured a secret, sappy spot in my heart, I lover her...
Together, the two of them have restored my hope that there is such thing as true love, so long as you don't stay so bitter that ya miss it. They are a happy, gracious, and humble couple, who sincerely deserve and appreciate what they have. I have always been grateful for him, but I will be forever grateful for her, as she has brought that missing piece to his life's puzzle, as trite as it sounds, she really and truly completes him, and he her in every way. I could go on for days, but I'll stop! By the time this wedding weekend is over I will have exceeded my sappy quota for life!
To my big brother from another mother, and his soon to be wife, I love you to bits, congratulations Boss!!!!! Drink up every single moment, I certainly raise my glass to you both :)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Ants in teh Pants
So for the past 6 months or so, I have been squirmy. Like, I want to or need to do something, change something, rearrange, reorganize, reevaluate- something. I have not had any particular inkling as to what it is I want to change... maybe my job... well, definately my job. But maybe my living situation? Maybe the scenery? I don't really know. I have been feeling more than stagnant lately. I have tried my normal fixes... rearranged my house, painted, left town, came back...
I think part of the issue is that one of my normal fixes for feeling squirmy and boxed in is to immediately change something in my life drastically... or to create some sort of chaos around me. A couple of weekends ago, I had a conversation with someone about how normally, I attribute this feeling to being stagnant. I have this little voice in my head that says if I am not constantly making changes I am not improving... One of my worst fears is that I will go back to that hazy comfortable place and just be. For some reason, if things have been coasting for even a moment, I convince myself that I must be slipping back into lazy, non-productive mode. This is at once a horrible and fantastic place for me to be...
In the last ten years this same feeling has led me to-
Move to Yellow Springs
Drop out of college
Embark on a trip around the country
Quit every single job I have had at the time (not without another one lined up though, I am not that crazy-yet.)
Live in my car
Buy a house (probably the most ridiculous of decisions to date)
Move to Dayton
Finish school
Go to grad school
Drop out of grad school
Hmm, so yeah. Impressive huh?! No, I do not really think that list is impressive. Ridiculous? Maybe. And, no I do not think any of those decisions were particularly bad ones (except buying the house). I am merely looking at my decision making process (or lack of process!)- I think that maybe I need to figure out what in the fuck it is that gives me the squirmy feeling as opposed to just reacting. I have made some silly and brash decisions while reacting, but I have also accomplished a hell of a lot whilst in this mental state...
Thankfully, in the last year or so I have come up with a bit more constructive way of dealing with feeling discontent- now, I cook. My roommate always knows when something is on my mind- whether I am bothered or just thinking- when she comes home and can hear the music blaring from the street she knows that I am in the process of filling the fridge with whatever the hell ethnicity I am currently obsessed with. She runs into the kitchen like a kid on Christmas, gigantic smile on her face, and before she squeals 'What are you making?' She always asks- is everything alright? Hahaha, my transparency is laughable. I don't say it often, but I do have a pretty kick-ass roommate, even if she makes me feel old on a daily basis (love you, lady). She could probably hold most of the credit for me NOT making any brash, ridiculous decisions in the last year, I guess that warrants some recognition, haha.
So, I don't know why I am feeling so discontent lately. Maybe it is the whole turning 30, what are you doing with yourself, where are you going thing. Maybe it's the change of season... Maybe I think too much. Yeah, ok, I know I think too much-but that is no different now than it has been at any other time in my life. What I drew from that conversation about stagnation is that- sometimes movement is not required. Sometimes it is necessary to marinate in the present so that what ever is cooking for the future can come to pass. And further, that 'moving up' is not always the good thing we think it to be. While all of that makes sense, it also drives me INSANE!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do RIGHT NOW?! If I get up and do something, chances are this squirmy feeling will go away (at least for the moment). That is what I have always done... oh, right. Fine. Maybe I will try to be as patiently still as possible.
Hey Solly... I am guessing there will be food when you get home tomorrow :D
I think part of the issue is that one of my normal fixes for feeling squirmy and boxed in is to immediately change something in my life drastically... or to create some sort of chaos around me. A couple of weekends ago, I had a conversation with someone about how normally, I attribute this feeling to being stagnant. I have this little voice in my head that says if I am not constantly making changes I am not improving... One of my worst fears is that I will go back to that hazy comfortable place and just be. For some reason, if things have been coasting for even a moment, I convince myself that I must be slipping back into lazy, non-productive mode. This is at once a horrible and fantastic place for me to be...
In the last ten years this same feeling has led me to-
Move to Yellow Springs
Drop out of college
Embark on a trip around the country
Quit every single job I have had at the time (not without another one lined up though, I am not that crazy-yet.)
Live in my car
Buy a house (probably the most ridiculous of decisions to date)
Move to Dayton
Finish school
Go to grad school
Drop out of grad school
Hmm, so yeah. Impressive huh?! No, I do not really think that list is impressive. Ridiculous? Maybe. And, no I do not think any of those decisions were particularly bad ones (except buying the house). I am merely looking at my decision making process (or lack of process!)- I think that maybe I need to figure out what in the fuck it is that gives me the squirmy feeling as opposed to just reacting. I have made some silly and brash decisions while reacting, but I have also accomplished a hell of a lot whilst in this mental state...
Thankfully, in the last year or so I have come up with a bit more constructive way of dealing with feeling discontent- now, I cook. My roommate always knows when something is on my mind- whether I am bothered or just thinking- when she comes home and can hear the music blaring from the street she knows that I am in the process of filling the fridge with whatever the hell ethnicity I am currently obsessed with. She runs into the kitchen like a kid on Christmas, gigantic smile on her face, and before she squeals 'What are you making?' She always asks- is everything alright? Hahaha, my transparency is laughable. I don't say it often, but I do have a pretty kick-ass roommate, even if she makes me feel old on a daily basis (love you, lady). She could probably hold most of the credit for me NOT making any brash, ridiculous decisions in the last year, I guess that warrants some recognition, haha.
So, I don't know why I am feeling so discontent lately. Maybe it is the whole turning 30, what are you doing with yourself, where are you going thing. Maybe it's the change of season... Maybe I think too much. Yeah, ok, I know I think too much-but that is no different now than it has been at any other time in my life. What I drew from that conversation about stagnation is that- sometimes movement is not required. Sometimes it is necessary to marinate in the present so that what ever is cooking for the future can come to pass. And further, that 'moving up' is not always the good thing we think it to be. While all of that makes sense, it also drives me INSANE!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do RIGHT NOW?! If I get up and do something, chances are this squirmy feeling will go away (at least for the moment). That is what I have always done... oh, right. Fine. Maybe I will try to be as patiently still as possible.
Hey Solly... I am guessing there will be food when you get home tomorrow :D
Monday, February 20, 2012
Tragically Hip
If you know me at all (or if you have read any number of my posts), it is fairly well established that I have an issue being vulnerable. I am the first to admit (at least in less-committal-than-verbal writing form) that it is hard for me to break down the barriers I have built in order to let people in. Even when I REALLY like the person, even when I REALLY wish I could let it all hang out and just invite them in to the inner workings of my brain and or my heart. The result is a stand-offish girl that is, at times, impossible to read. And I get that, trust me, with every single fiber of my being, I get that. And I hate it, infinitely more than any single person who has ever frustratingly and painstakingly tried to themselves break down my barriers.
My blog has been silent as of late because as opposed to rambling on about this lesson or that experiment, I have been doing what some might call actual field research. Someone peaked my interest as of late. Someone peaked my interest enough to allow me to just let things flow. No minute by minute analysis, no need to second guess or wonder, just pure flow. There were no conscious thoughts of this or that- I never told myself to let it happen organically, it just did. And, for the brief time that happened, it was amazing. I cannot remember the last time I just let go in the way I have in the last few months, I would go so far as to say that I was happy (No, not that I am unhappy all other times, more that I was happy in the way that one can be when connection with another human is happening, it is like some sort of temporary amnesia... like we forget what it is to go through the every day droning routine because in those moments everything seems to be electrified. Like it is all new and shiny). And, I liked it.
And then, as abruptly as it began, it stopped. The reason matters little, it's where my brain has gone in the last few days- that is what I consider noteworthy. My mind has been going a million miles an hour for a couple of days now. It's exhausting. It is tiring to at once punish myself for letting go and being vulnerable (however little I let go and however brief the time), while celebrating the fact that I did. The oxymornonical symphony that plays in my head on a constant is laughable. "Let go, let loose" and almost simultaneously "Stop this insanity, you are only going to hurt in the end" For every moment I let go there were ten that I stood back. The ratio was narrowing right when it all seemed to come crashing down, and normally that would send me back into my angry little cave, where I would cocoon into a torturous bout of self imposed criticism. Normally, I would regret every word, every action, I would tell myself "See, this is what you get for being too this or too that". Normally, I would hate myself for being so stand-offish while at the same time loathing every second that I had opened up. I would want to call and take back anything I might have said to offend or scare off. I would do whatever I could think of to try to feel better in this moment.
As much as I cringe to admit it, I am hurting. And as much as I want to say that it never mattered, it did. But for some reason, this time, I am okay with the hurt. I am happy that it mattered. Sure, all that self judgment shit has danced across my mind half a gillion times in the last few days... but that is it. That is all the power I have given it. Whether or not anything more comes of the situation is not up to me, which is sort of freeing, and slightly nerve racking at the same time. This is the highest point of vulnerability I have experienced in a long time. It makes me squirm. And I fucking hate it. I am literally in that spot where what will be, will be. It is the ultimate no control spot, I have no influence in the situation at the moment what so ever. Ugh, what an icky feeling. A year ago, I would be saying fuck it at this very moment. No person or situation can make you vulnerable if you choose not to give a fuck- but as wise people have pointed out to me, not giving a fuck is not the answer. It's a cop out. And as much as I ache for those moments of free flow, of bright, shiny and new, not every moment can be that way, not every interaction can be amazing. As much as the fuck it side of my brain would have me believe otherwise, feeling uncomfortable is good sometimes. Squirming usually indicates growth, and being in this vulnerable spot WILL NOT kill me.
I am the girl who has the eternal what if loop in her brain. I am the girl who will figure out a way to make a good thing seem shitty. I am the girl who sets the bar for herself miles and miles out of my own reach; and when I do not reach it, I punish myself... I second guess, over think, and underestimate me on a regular basis. Interestingly enough, I am the only one I allow to do this- let someone else second guess me. Let someone else underestimate me, I will set a course to prove them wrong immediately, and I won't stop until the mission is accomplished. How dangerous I would be if only I were to set out to prove that loop track in my head wrong. All I do know in this moment is that no matter what, life will keep going, whether I hurt my way through to the other side, or things take an unforeseen turn, whether I torture myself with what ifs or attempt to appreciate this exact moment, life will indeed keep moving... it may have been sweeter for a moment, and it may be sweeter yet in the future but how would we recognize the sweet if there weren't some bitter, salty, and spicy moments to differentiate?
My blog has been silent as of late because as opposed to rambling on about this lesson or that experiment, I have been doing what some might call actual field research. Someone peaked my interest as of late. Someone peaked my interest enough to allow me to just let things flow. No minute by minute analysis, no need to second guess or wonder, just pure flow. There were no conscious thoughts of this or that- I never told myself to let it happen organically, it just did. And, for the brief time that happened, it was amazing. I cannot remember the last time I just let go in the way I have in the last few months, I would go so far as to say that I was happy (No, not that I am unhappy all other times, more that I was happy in the way that one can be when connection with another human is happening, it is like some sort of temporary amnesia... like we forget what it is to go through the every day droning routine because in those moments everything seems to be electrified. Like it is all new and shiny). And, I liked it.
And then, as abruptly as it began, it stopped. The reason matters little, it's where my brain has gone in the last few days- that is what I consider noteworthy. My mind has been going a million miles an hour for a couple of days now. It's exhausting. It is tiring to at once punish myself for letting go and being vulnerable (however little I let go and however brief the time), while celebrating the fact that I did. The oxymornonical symphony that plays in my head on a constant is laughable. "Let go, let loose" and almost simultaneously "Stop this insanity, you are only going to hurt in the end" For every moment I let go there were ten that I stood back. The ratio was narrowing right when it all seemed to come crashing down, and normally that would send me back into my angry little cave, where I would cocoon into a torturous bout of self imposed criticism. Normally, I would regret every word, every action, I would tell myself "See, this is what you get for being too this or too that". Normally, I would hate myself for being so stand-offish while at the same time loathing every second that I had opened up. I would want to call and take back anything I might have said to offend or scare off. I would do whatever I could think of to try to feel better in this moment.
As much as I cringe to admit it, I am hurting. And as much as I want to say that it never mattered, it did. But for some reason, this time, I am okay with the hurt. I am happy that it mattered. Sure, all that self judgment shit has danced across my mind half a gillion times in the last few days... but that is it. That is all the power I have given it. Whether or not anything more comes of the situation is not up to me, which is sort of freeing, and slightly nerve racking at the same time. This is the highest point of vulnerability I have experienced in a long time. It makes me squirm. And I fucking hate it. I am literally in that spot where what will be, will be. It is the ultimate no control spot, I have no influence in the situation at the moment what so ever. Ugh, what an icky feeling. A year ago, I would be saying fuck it at this very moment. No person or situation can make you vulnerable if you choose not to give a fuck- but as wise people have pointed out to me, not giving a fuck is not the answer. It's a cop out. And as much as I ache for those moments of free flow, of bright, shiny and new, not every moment can be that way, not every interaction can be amazing. As much as the fuck it side of my brain would have me believe otherwise, feeling uncomfortable is good sometimes. Squirming usually indicates growth, and being in this vulnerable spot WILL NOT kill me.
I am the girl who has the eternal what if loop in her brain. I am the girl who will figure out a way to make a good thing seem shitty. I am the girl who sets the bar for herself miles and miles out of my own reach; and when I do not reach it, I punish myself... I second guess, over think, and underestimate me on a regular basis. Interestingly enough, I am the only one I allow to do this- let someone else second guess me. Let someone else underestimate me, I will set a course to prove them wrong immediately, and I won't stop until the mission is accomplished. How dangerous I would be if only I were to set out to prove that loop track in my head wrong. All I do know in this moment is that no matter what, life will keep going, whether I hurt my way through to the other side, or things take an unforeseen turn, whether I torture myself with what ifs or attempt to appreciate this exact moment, life will indeed keep moving... it may have been sweeter for a moment, and it may be sweeter yet in the future but how would we recognize the sweet if there weren't some bitter, salty, and spicy moments to differentiate?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Chaos in the Brain
Just a quick little heads up- I sat down to write today, with no particular agenda, just that I knew something needed to be purged- the resulting post is below, and will probably make little to no sense to anyone. I have taken in so much e-crack in the last few days it appears as though I am unable to relate cohesive thoughts! Feel free to skip it and come back another day!
So, I have been a bit TV obsessed lately. I'm one of those odd people who is easily amused but I also have a REALLY short attention span- so I do not generally get hooked on TV shows, rarely does a movie engage me enough that I will stay awake for the whole thing, comedies aren't generally as funny to me as they are to others, and I am what some might call a pop culture moron. What can I say, I live under a rock most of the time and I am good with that- even though it does seem highly annoying to my friends who are forever explaining things I guess I 'should know'.
I mentioned in my last post that I began watching the Star Wars movies- this was a serious shocker to those close to me, especially when I revealed that I had paid enough attention to have a general idea of the plot line and characters. While watching the first three movies (whatever the hell you call them, not the prequels) I got this feeling like I had seen the story line before. Where, where had I seen it? As I searched around the incredibly murky waters of my memory it hit me- Oedipus! Holy shit, I learned this story in undergrad. Those fucking Greeks. They pop up everywhere... the story line is so similar its laughable.
I remember wading through thousands of pages of reading when studying the Classics in undergrad- like thousands of pages a week. I also specifically remember wondering what in the holy fuck I was supposed to get out of all this information while sprinting through it at such a breakneck pace. My prof at the time (who later turned out to be an amazing mentor) kept telling me that I would find the themes of the stories we were studying everywhere for the rest of my life, I rolled my eyes at her and thought that she was full of shit.
As I have mentioned before, I stayed away from Star Wars for a long time, mainly because I thought it was some boring sci-fi movie with a cult nerd following. Through the convincing of one such nerd, I gave it a chance and found myself not only amused, but intrigued... once I put together the Oedipus commonality I started to realize that my prof may have been right- the themes of the Classics are everywhere, and depending on how they are presented and packaged, they seem to have a universal appeal.
My latest obsession is the FX series Sons of Anarchy. The appeal to this show is a bit more obvious for me, at least on the surface. Ever since I was a child I have been obsessed with all things mob related, and the outlaw deal fits perfectly in with that theme. SOA is modeled after Shakespear's Hamlet, this is no secret, even the show's writers will admit that. And I have to admit, just as Lucas was brilliant to select the Oedipus plot line for his Star Wars, the creators of SOA were ingenious in using Hamlet. There are elements to these story lines that made them classics to begin with- they hold universal appeal to the human psyche.
The universal themes are apparent- friendship, family, loyalty, but also a desire for certainty and one's own truth. What has always intrigued me is- how these appeal to the human psyche... In essence, how is it that I could connect and appreciate these stories while millions of others do the same... do we have the same connections? The Mr. Rogers mentality would have you believe not. If we are all unique individuals, how could millions of us possibly share the same connections- how could one storyline have such mass appeal? Let's be clear here, I know I am a weirdo. Many people watching these movies and shows have no idea why they are hooked- normal people probably do not sit around contemplating themes and meanings. I am guessing that most people take these things for what they are- entertainment. But, I have never claimed to be normal, these are the weird things that swim around in the fish bowl that is my brain on a day to day basis.
GET TO THE POINT ALREADY. I know, I am a rambler. But if you haven't got it by now, this is the place I record all my weird little ponderings in hopes that someday they will make even a bit of sense to me!
I think my point, for now at least, is that there is such thing as universal connection. There will always be commonalities to build from, as opposed to differences to splinter off from (both view points are expressed almost to the point of exhaustion in SOA). Focus on commonalities or differences is nothing new either- we have shifted back and forth from one to the other for literally thousands upon thousands of years... There comes a point where shattering one another for differences gets old and humanity goes through a period of unification, only to swing back around and try to categorize one another into boxes yet again. I think that is why I chose to study the history of everything back in undergrad, because I wanted to know what those patterns were in order to be more aware of them in present day. That is also why I ramble on with seemingly random thoughts... they are all interconnected somehow, but until I get those connections on the human, and even more so, on the personal level- I am doomed to repeat the same silly patterns of my own past.
So, I have been a bit TV obsessed lately. I'm one of those odd people who is easily amused but I also have a REALLY short attention span- so I do not generally get hooked on TV shows, rarely does a movie engage me enough that I will stay awake for the whole thing, comedies aren't generally as funny to me as they are to others, and I am what some might call a pop culture moron. What can I say, I live under a rock most of the time and I am good with that- even though it does seem highly annoying to my friends who are forever explaining things I guess I 'should know'.
I mentioned in my last post that I began watching the Star Wars movies- this was a serious shocker to those close to me, especially when I revealed that I had paid enough attention to have a general idea of the plot line and characters. While watching the first three movies (whatever the hell you call them, not the prequels) I got this feeling like I had seen the story line before. Where, where had I seen it? As I searched around the incredibly murky waters of my memory it hit me- Oedipus! Holy shit, I learned this story in undergrad. Those fucking Greeks. They pop up everywhere... the story line is so similar its laughable.
I remember wading through thousands of pages of reading when studying the Classics in undergrad- like thousands of pages a week. I also specifically remember wondering what in the holy fuck I was supposed to get out of all this information while sprinting through it at such a breakneck pace. My prof at the time (who later turned out to be an amazing mentor) kept telling me that I would find the themes of the stories we were studying everywhere for the rest of my life, I rolled my eyes at her and thought that she was full of shit.
As I have mentioned before, I stayed away from Star Wars for a long time, mainly because I thought it was some boring sci-fi movie with a cult nerd following. Through the convincing of one such nerd, I gave it a chance and found myself not only amused, but intrigued... once I put together the Oedipus commonality I started to realize that my prof may have been right- the themes of the Classics are everywhere, and depending on how they are presented and packaged, they seem to have a universal appeal.
My latest obsession is the FX series Sons of Anarchy. The appeal to this show is a bit more obvious for me, at least on the surface. Ever since I was a child I have been obsessed with all things mob related, and the outlaw deal fits perfectly in with that theme. SOA is modeled after Shakespear's Hamlet, this is no secret, even the show's writers will admit that. And I have to admit, just as Lucas was brilliant to select the Oedipus plot line for his Star Wars, the creators of SOA were ingenious in using Hamlet. There are elements to these story lines that made them classics to begin with- they hold universal appeal to the human psyche.
The universal themes are apparent- friendship, family, loyalty, but also a desire for certainty and one's own truth. What has always intrigued me is- how these appeal to the human psyche... In essence, how is it that I could connect and appreciate these stories while millions of others do the same... do we have the same connections? The Mr. Rogers mentality would have you believe not. If we are all unique individuals, how could millions of us possibly share the same connections- how could one storyline have such mass appeal? Let's be clear here, I know I am a weirdo. Many people watching these movies and shows have no idea why they are hooked- normal people probably do not sit around contemplating themes and meanings. I am guessing that most people take these things for what they are- entertainment. But, I have never claimed to be normal, these are the weird things that swim around in the fish bowl that is my brain on a day to day basis.
GET TO THE POINT ALREADY. I know, I am a rambler. But if you haven't got it by now, this is the place I record all my weird little ponderings in hopes that someday they will make even a bit of sense to me!
I think my point, for now at least, is that there is such thing as universal connection. There will always be commonalities to build from, as opposed to differences to splinter off from (both view points are expressed almost to the point of exhaustion in SOA). Focus on commonalities or differences is nothing new either- we have shifted back and forth from one to the other for literally thousands upon thousands of years... There comes a point where shattering one another for differences gets old and humanity goes through a period of unification, only to swing back around and try to categorize one another into boxes yet again. I think that is why I chose to study the history of everything back in undergrad, because I wanted to know what those patterns were in order to be more aware of them in present day. That is also why I ramble on with seemingly random thoughts... they are all interconnected somehow, but until I get those connections on the human, and even more so, on the personal level- I am doomed to repeat the same silly patterns of my own past.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Force
Well, now that the whirl wind that our culture calls 'the holidays' is over, it is time to take a deep breath and look to the new year. I find it interesting to see what people make of a new year. Some people treat it as a clean slate- no matter what happened last year, this one is afresh with possibilities- whatever happened last year can stay with last year. Others make serious promises to themselves- resolutions- This year, I will loose weight, stop biting my nails, eat healthier, quit smoking or whatever else. Me, I'm not so big on sweeping resolutions. For one, I don't see the point in using one day a year to resolve to do something- plus, I know a bit about who I am. I know that if I really want to be, I can be pretty fucking disciplined, but that has to happen on my terms, not because there has been a day designated on the calendar for all to hunker down and become more productive or less hedonistic. I think that any day is as good as another to make positive changes in ones life.
I do, however, like the idea of looking at a stretch of time in review...I have no intention of 'starting over', but I think it is important to take stock in where I have been in order to navigate in an informed way where I want to go. Many people ended the year by asserting how terrible it was, and all I could think is- Really?! The entire year? Like everyday sucked?! How is that possible? Then I realized that different people have different outlooks, and there may have been a time in my life where I would have said that an entire year sucked. I don't know if I want to say it's as dualistic as pessimism or optimism- although I suppose one could. I think it has more to do with individual experience, and what we each take from those experiences. Many people I know are still stuck in the thinking pattern that everything happens to them- so I could see where the whole year might seem to suck. Me, I am good with knowing that everything happens for me, and that further it is not now nor will it ever be all about me. Think about those two ideas. Seriously, there is a whole lot of freedom in both.
So, I look at the year in review and here are the things that come immediately to mind-
What I am about to say is probably the nerdiest thing I have ever said-In 2011, I saw Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back for the first time. I will admit to having originally written off these movies because of their cult following. After actually viewing them and taking in the characters and plot line I can now say- I really think George Lucas was on to something with his concept of the Force. Life really is all in the mind, how you think about things, and the discipline you exert in both your thinking and actions. That energy can be positive or negative and can be manifested in good or evil ways in life. A year can be all good or all bad, an experience can be devastating or life altering, it all comes down to the way you choose to think about it. I think Yoda said it best in Empire Strikes Back "Do, or do not...there is no try." No other words could more aptly describe what 2011 taught me. It is no longer acceptable to hide under the cop out of 'I am trying.' In order to move forward I must commit to doing what I need to do, and to stop doing what doesn't foster the growth path I am on. "Named must your fear be before banish it you can."
I do, however, like the idea of looking at a stretch of time in review...I have no intention of 'starting over', but I think it is important to take stock in where I have been in order to navigate in an informed way where I want to go. Many people ended the year by asserting how terrible it was, and all I could think is- Really?! The entire year? Like everyday sucked?! How is that possible? Then I realized that different people have different outlooks, and there may have been a time in my life where I would have said that an entire year sucked. I don't know if I want to say it's as dualistic as pessimism or optimism- although I suppose one could. I think it has more to do with individual experience, and what we each take from those experiences. Many people I know are still stuck in the thinking pattern that everything happens to them- so I could see where the whole year might seem to suck. Me, I am good with knowing that everything happens for me, and that further it is not now nor will it ever be all about me. Think about those two ideas. Seriously, there is a whole lot of freedom in both.
So, I look at the year in review and here are the things that come immediately to mind-
- While everything happens for a reason, rarely does anything happen the way I think it should- or when I think it should.
- I am wrong a majority of the time, and that's alright as long as I can acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on.
- Nothing in this life is permanent, enjoy the moment while it lasts, because this one, like any other will pass, and another will follow.
- Sometimes, lessons come from what we may think to be the most unlikely sources.
- Keep your eyes, mind, and heart open at all times.
What I am about to say is probably the nerdiest thing I have ever said-In 2011, I saw Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back for the first time. I will admit to having originally written off these movies because of their cult following. After actually viewing them and taking in the characters and plot line I can now say- I really think George Lucas was on to something with his concept of the Force. Life really is all in the mind, how you think about things, and the discipline you exert in both your thinking and actions. That energy can be positive or negative and can be manifested in good or evil ways in life. A year can be all good or all bad, an experience can be devastating or life altering, it all comes down to the way you choose to think about it. I think Yoda said it best in Empire Strikes Back "Do, or do not...there is no try." No other words could more aptly describe what 2011 taught me. It is no longer acceptable to hide under the cop out of 'I am trying.' In order to move forward I must commit to doing what I need to do, and to stop doing what doesn't foster the growth path I am on. "Named must your fear be before banish it you can."
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Crazy Bitches
Crazy bitches. The subject keeps coming up, it's one that has baffled me for most of my life. Yes, I am a girl, but for the most part, I do not understand a majority of my gender. Being an only child and a self proclaimed daddy's girl, I have been a tom boy all my life. I preferred hot wheels and remote control cars to barbies, I liked playing in the dirt as opposed to serving tea, and I liked sports more than dance. In grade school I was friends with two girls, they were the most RUTHLESS bitches I have ever met. As soon as high school hit, and the pool of friends widened I dropped them (and most girls). I hate cattiness, I despise gossip, and most of all I really cannot stand back-stabbing- which eliminates most girls. So, most of my close friends have been boys- I have accrued a gaggle of 'older brothers' throughout my life- we are family, we are loyal and fiercely protective of one another. Since the marriage and family waves have hit, I see some of them less frequently, but friendship is not defined by face time.
I have happily welcomed most girlfriends and spouses- if the chick makes him happy, I am all for it. Some girlfriends and wives are cool with it, others are weird and jealous (for what reasons- I am unsure). But, in recent years I have watched several of my boys go through A LOT of shit because of whatever girl was in their lives. I have watched crazy custody battles with my friends fighting for their rights as fathers, completely fucked up divorces, I have seen financial turmoil bubble up, simmer over, and explode. But most of all, I have seen some pretty awesome, sincere, genuine, dudes get fucked over because suddenly the chick becomes a loose cannon with no regard for anyone but herself. And it makes me angry.
What happens to these girls to make them crazy bitches? Trust, I get that we all have our own terrible moments, but what makes someone wake up one day and say- you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. I get that people change, relationships end, life goes on. But what makes someone become so ugly? So mean and vindictive? What happens to turn an adult into a child? Why do people think that it is okay to decide- well, I am discontent and unhappy, so I am going to make sure everyone else is too? At what point do these bitches wake up and become adults?! Or maybe they don't. Maybe they will spend their whole lives always wanting what they do not have, running around- wreaking havoc on the lives of those around them... I really don't know.
What I do know is that it doesn't have to be that way. Break ups can happen without nasty interactions. People can part ways and be cool with one another- maybe not best friends, but they can be amicable instead of hateful. Unfortunately, it takes two to make it happen. Most of my friends who have gone through this have done so with an amazing amount of grace and dignity, considering how the other party acted. And for that, I give them props. I give any person (guy or girl) props who can see past the end of their fucking nose to realize that nothing has to be dramatic and ridiculous. That no matter what, there are other people in your life besides YOU!
I get angsty when I have to stand by and watch shitty things happening in the lives of good people. I know they will make it through, and will probably be better people for it in the long run, but damn it- why can't we reverse that paradigm and watch shitty things happen in the lives of assholes?! I know, that statement is a bit vindictive in and of itself, and I really don't wish actual harm on anyone, but sometimes I think a little gulp of their own medicine would be nice.
And, for the record, although I have been burned by some crazy bitches myself, I do not hate all girls. There have been a few in my life who have showed me that I am not the only non-crazy bitch. There is a glimmer of hope in the vast wasteland that I sometimes feel is the female gender- in fact, it could be that we are the silent majority. I suppose crazy bitches and bad boys make for better conversation. But sometimes, at least in my case, I need to be reminded that they are not all crazy bitches and dumbass dudes. There are good people out there, we just need to stick together. So, to all my friends who have had their struggles with crazy bitches and dumbass dudes- not everyone is a card carrying certified nut-case, or a stupid, selfish, son-of-a-bitch.
It's not about superior morality. We all have our flaws and fucked up things we do. It's about holding the interest of yourself equal to the interests of others in your life. It is not hard to just stop for a minute and think about how what you are doing may impact the lives of others. Do we all make mistakes? HELL YES. Do we have to be an asshole every waking moment? No. It is simple- live your life, own your shit, and treat the people in your life with a little respect. I vowed some time ago to be as vocal as possible about crazy bitches. I refuse to consign stupid behavior with silence. Am I going to personally confront every person I think to be a crazy bitch? No, but I will keep living by example. I am not special or perfect, but I am honest and up front, something a few crazy bitches I know could stand to learn.
I have happily welcomed most girlfriends and spouses- if the chick makes him happy, I am all for it. Some girlfriends and wives are cool with it, others are weird and jealous (for what reasons- I am unsure). But, in recent years I have watched several of my boys go through A LOT of shit because of whatever girl was in their lives. I have watched crazy custody battles with my friends fighting for their rights as fathers, completely fucked up divorces, I have seen financial turmoil bubble up, simmer over, and explode. But most of all, I have seen some pretty awesome, sincere, genuine, dudes get fucked over because suddenly the chick becomes a loose cannon with no regard for anyone but herself. And it makes me angry.
What happens to these girls to make them crazy bitches? Trust, I get that we all have our own terrible moments, but what makes someone wake up one day and say- you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. I get that people change, relationships end, life goes on. But what makes someone become so ugly? So mean and vindictive? What happens to turn an adult into a child? Why do people think that it is okay to decide- well, I am discontent and unhappy, so I am going to make sure everyone else is too? At what point do these bitches wake up and become adults?! Or maybe they don't. Maybe they will spend their whole lives always wanting what they do not have, running around- wreaking havoc on the lives of those around them... I really don't know.
What I do know is that it doesn't have to be that way. Break ups can happen without nasty interactions. People can part ways and be cool with one another- maybe not best friends, but they can be amicable instead of hateful. Unfortunately, it takes two to make it happen. Most of my friends who have gone through this have done so with an amazing amount of grace and dignity, considering how the other party acted. And for that, I give them props. I give any person (guy or girl) props who can see past the end of their fucking nose to realize that nothing has to be dramatic and ridiculous. That no matter what, there are other people in your life besides YOU!
I get angsty when I have to stand by and watch shitty things happening in the lives of good people. I know they will make it through, and will probably be better people for it in the long run, but damn it- why can't we reverse that paradigm and watch shitty things happen in the lives of assholes?! I know, that statement is a bit vindictive in and of itself, and I really don't wish actual harm on anyone, but sometimes I think a little gulp of their own medicine would be nice.
And, for the record, although I have been burned by some crazy bitches myself, I do not hate all girls. There have been a few in my life who have showed me that I am not the only non-crazy bitch. There is a glimmer of hope in the vast wasteland that I sometimes feel is the female gender- in fact, it could be that we are the silent majority. I suppose crazy bitches and bad boys make for better conversation. But sometimes, at least in my case, I need to be reminded that they are not all crazy bitches and dumbass dudes. There are good people out there, we just need to stick together. So, to all my friends who have had their struggles with crazy bitches and dumbass dudes- not everyone is a card carrying certified nut-case, or a stupid, selfish, son-of-a-bitch.
It's not about superior morality. We all have our flaws and fucked up things we do. It's about holding the interest of yourself equal to the interests of others in your life. It is not hard to just stop for a minute and think about how what you are doing may impact the lives of others. Do we all make mistakes? HELL YES. Do we have to be an asshole every waking moment? No. It is simple- live your life, own your shit, and treat the people in your life with a little respect. I vowed some time ago to be as vocal as possible about crazy bitches. I refuse to consign stupid behavior with silence. Am I going to personally confront every person I think to be a crazy bitch? No, but I will keep living by example. I am not special or perfect, but I am honest and up front, something a few crazy bitches I know could stand to learn.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
17 Going on 30
I had this idea that I would write a post about turning 30 before my birthday, and well, like a lot of shit last week- it was slipped under the mental mat. I haven't posted this entire month, and for good reason- after a whole fucking year of contemplation and learning lessons and awareness and all the other shit I have been working on, I chose to take a mental vacation for the entire month leading up to my 30th birthday. I jokingly said that I was going to live the entire month as though I were 17 again- and I did. Sort of.
Many of my friends got all weird about turning 30, they dreaded it, they bitched about being old, some got depressed, some just acted like it wasn't happening. Not me, I was excited! I have been done with my 20's since I was 19, and 30 seemed like a welcomed change. But somewhere, subconsciously, I guess I was a little leery of it. The mental vacation came to be without any conscious choice on my part- I realized it a few days into it and instead of scolding myself, I chose to ride the wave. I decided to quit with the mental regiment of "what the fuck are you doing?" "what were you thinking?" and so on, and instead took a huge dose of fuck it. And, I am not gunna lie, getting the fuck its every now and then is pretty fucking sweet. It's been nice not to analyze or think much- although some of that happens just because that is the way my monkey mind operates.
I will say the idea of living like I was 17 again was pretty intriguing. 15-17 were the among some of the best years so far... although I am now pretty sure some of that can be attributed to better living through chemistry. I learned a couple of things about myself in the last month- First and foremost- I am TOTALLY NOT 17 anymore. Holy cappicola, all nighters are a little more difficult to rebound from now. When I was 17 my entire sleep/wake cycle was chemically regimented- and while I will say that 5 hour energy is a fucking god-send, it is so not the same! Secondly- I used to think that there was no room in my life to get the fuck its and give myself a break- now I realize that this is actually imperative occasionally. I was reaching the end of my patience with myself and now I realize why- because I hold myself to some pretty fucking ridiculous standards sometimes- standards that are often impossible even for me to reach.
So, Friday was my 30th birthday, and I have to say, I had a pretty fucking awesome time. Surrounded by some of the most bad ass people I know, having fun, raising hell- I have been piecing the night together through various conversations since! It meant a lot to see most of the people I truly care about all in the same space. That night, I realized that I have some pretty awesome friends- some that have known me since I was 17 the first time- and trust me, if you knew the asshole I was at 17, it's saying something for those people to be at my 30th birthday! Some I haven't known as long, but all of you fucking rock my Hanukkah socks! You know who you are, whether you were present that night or not, I love you guys!
But the night also helped me to see crystal clear some things that I have been avoiding up until that night. I am finally ready to 'clean house' and rid my life of a person or two that I have been allowing to drag me down for far too long- probably since I was 17. I like to think that I am a pretty fucking awesome friend, and sometimes I think that makes me a target for soul suckers. But in the end, I am the one who allows my energy to be sucked. I have let it go on for far too long, and as usually happens, I have to say- big-brother-from-another-mother, you were right YET AGAIN. Damn it, I hate admitting that so often, especially to you, but it's necessary- and thanks, for loving me enough to let me learn the lesson on my own. As many times in the last year or five that I know you have wanted to just shake the shit out of me and tell me what I could only recognize on my own, this lesson is sealed and solid now- it is not a points system, but it FUCKING IS!!!! And that realization makes 30 that much more fucking awesome. I don't have to live as though I am 17, I think living as though I am 30 is going to be much, much, more fun :)
Many of my friends got all weird about turning 30, they dreaded it, they bitched about being old, some got depressed, some just acted like it wasn't happening. Not me, I was excited! I have been done with my 20's since I was 19, and 30 seemed like a welcomed change. But somewhere, subconsciously, I guess I was a little leery of it. The mental vacation came to be without any conscious choice on my part- I realized it a few days into it and instead of scolding myself, I chose to ride the wave. I decided to quit with the mental regiment of "what the fuck are you doing?" "what were you thinking?" and so on, and instead took a huge dose of fuck it. And, I am not gunna lie, getting the fuck its every now and then is pretty fucking sweet. It's been nice not to analyze or think much- although some of that happens just because that is the way my monkey mind operates.
I will say the idea of living like I was 17 again was pretty intriguing. 15-17 were the among some of the best years so far... although I am now pretty sure some of that can be attributed to better living through chemistry. I learned a couple of things about myself in the last month- First and foremost- I am TOTALLY NOT 17 anymore. Holy cappicola, all nighters are a little more difficult to rebound from now. When I was 17 my entire sleep/wake cycle was chemically regimented- and while I will say that 5 hour energy is a fucking god-send, it is so not the same! Secondly- I used to think that there was no room in my life to get the fuck its and give myself a break- now I realize that this is actually imperative occasionally. I was reaching the end of my patience with myself and now I realize why- because I hold myself to some pretty fucking ridiculous standards sometimes- standards that are often impossible even for me to reach.
So, Friday was my 30th birthday, and I have to say, I had a pretty fucking awesome time. Surrounded by some of the most bad ass people I know, having fun, raising hell- I have been piecing the night together through various conversations since! It meant a lot to see most of the people I truly care about all in the same space. That night, I realized that I have some pretty awesome friends- some that have known me since I was 17 the first time- and trust me, if you knew the asshole I was at 17, it's saying something for those people to be at my 30th birthday! Some I haven't known as long, but all of you fucking rock my Hanukkah socks! You know who you are, whether you were present that night or not, I love you guys!
But the night also helped me to see crystal clear some things that I have been avoiding up until that night. I am finally ready to 'clean house' and rid my life of a person or two that I have been allowing to drag me down for far too long- probably since I was 17. I like to think that I am a pretty fucking awesome friend, and sometimes I think that makes me a target for soul suckers. But in the end, I am the one who allows my energy to be sucked. I have let it go on for far too long, and as usually happens, I have to say- big-brother-from-another-mother, you were right YET AGAIN. Damn it, I hate admitting that so often, especially to you, but it's necessary- and thanks, for loving me enough to let me learn the lesson on my own. As many times in the last year or five that I know you have wanted to just shake the shit out of me and tell me what I could only recognize on my own, this lesson is sealed and solid now- it is not a points system, but it FUCKING IS!!!! And that realization makes 30 that much more fucking awesome. I don't have to live as though I am 17, I think living as though I am 30 is going to be much, much, more fun :)
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