Feeling the growing pains. It's not as if the pains are tremendously unbearable, but they are for sure uncomfortable. I want to stir my pot so that the pains will go away... even though stirring this stew prematurely could most likely result in ruining it... but I am so impatient. I want things to happen now... It's as if I am discontent if things are not proceeding in my life at a break-neck pace. Someone told me recently that it seems as though I have a hard time just sitting... just being. Unfortunately, I have to say they are correct. I have no idea how to just relax...
I am up by 6 or 6:30 every morning... I am at my desk by 7, 7:30... and for no reason- the only other person in my office doesn't arrive until at least 10, sometimes 11. Even on my days off- I have a tough time staying in bed past 7 most days. I purposely jam 72 things into a day that could comfortably support 50. I should say that it is not as if I am entirely running from something, I spend a majority of my waking hours by myself, and I am good with that, I am good with me... I'm just a busy body- like if I stop for a moment, I may lose my momentum and really just stop... I know that isn't really true, but it is a part of the story I tell myself, the story I construct to motivate myself.
A little motivation is good for me, for everyone I think... but, like all things in life- balance is key, and if there is one solitary thing that I suck at in general it is balance... I am beginning to realize that my inherent need to go, go, go is part of the inner workings of my wonderwall. Even if I say I am ok with me, the rapid pace of flitting from one task to another enables me to continue not being vulnerable... because I never give one person or situation enough time to 'get to me'... at least not in the moment... Oh sure, I am vulnerable in the privacy of my own mind... I allow myself to 'go there' when I am thinking about certain situations, but rarely, if ever do I allow the time in real life interactions for that.
Of course this blog is vulnerability to me- it is a small step- typing these thoughts out so that there is a possibility that others will see it... I know it is no substitute for vulnerability in human interaction, but it is a step, like dangling my toes in the pool to test the water. And since I started this blog I can say that there have been more moments of vulnerability in my real life (ok, not a lot, but some). And let me tell you, those few moments where I have allowed myself to be exposed to someone else have been REALLY SCARY. I have begun to notice how I wonder about other people's intentions... why are they saying this? What is this person's motivation? Where are they coming from? It's a little silly I am sure, for people who may not have this problem... I have lived my life as if it were a game of chess for so long that I do not know what it is like not to play.
I am very afraid that taking this wall down will leave me exposed and defenseless. But then I think- what could be the worst thing about that- really? I do not have an answer for that... taking the wall down doesn't mean I have to melt into a puddle of uncontrolled emotion- all it means is that I can more fully experience the range of human interaction... and what is so bad about that? Nothing I guess, but I am having issues with letting people in to help and it is very difficult to dismantle this wall alone... The first order of business has got to be allowing myself to recruit a crew to help me... It's not that tough, there are people all around me who love me and want to help me- I know that. The problem is bridging the gap between their willingness to help and my willingness to accept that help...
I am the girl people call when they need someone to listen. I am the girl people call when they want to hear some truth. I am not the girl who calls so others will listen, or asks for help... maybe in a select number of situations...I am not a sealed shut envelope, but for things that are deep, the really tough stuff... I sit and struggle alone. Not because my friends would not help, but more because I would rather marinate in this stew alone than request any support...and I preach it like I know it to others...reach out, ask for help, let me know what I can do for you... all the while knowing I would not do the same. And that makes me disingenuous, which is why it is no longer acceptable to talk the talk to others without walking it in my own life.
I have begun to dip more than my toes into this pool, I would say I have maybe gotten up to mid-calf and even mid-thigh a few times... and the water is SHOCKINGLY cold! But, in those few instances where I did let my guard down- even if ever so briefly- it has turned out far better than I imagined. I guess I just expected that person to do what I would do when I feel like I am on the verge of falling into the pool completely- RUN! Run fast, the opposite direction, not looking back at all. But they didn't, instead, they embraced it, which gave me the courage to continue. So thank you for taking my worldview and flipping it upside down so that I can look at my shit with a new and different perspective...and more importantly, thank you for proving me wrong.
Knowing how thick my own wall is, I would assume it takes a great deal of balls to stand at that keyhole opening and shout truths into me like- it has never been about me not being able to let people in or let myself out, its that I refuse to be vulnerable... And so here I am, being that girl who is vulnerable- feeling slightly out of my mind to write all this out in such a revealing way and trying desperately to find a reason not to post this... but for once in my life I will take the advice of someone else... the advice I have given to countless others and just lay it out, where I go from here, I have know idea, but I feel as though this is me climbing the ladder to the high dive, knowing that I can no longer dangle my feet safely on the edge of the pool...
" 'cuz they can call me crazy if I fail, all the chance that I need is one-in-a-million, and they can call me brilliant if I succeed, gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound, I'm just going to get my feet wet until I drown" Thanks Ani, you always know how to say just what I am thinking.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Silver Lining
I feel as though I have lived most of my life by the mantra of 'doing the next right thing'. Whatever that next right thing may be. This weekend, two friends were robbed at gunpoint and then pistol whipped. This is as scary as it is close to home on so many levels...
They were walking back to their car- on a street I most often park when I am in that neighborhood, and a man attacked them both. He pistol whipped them, robbed them, shot his gun in the air, held it to my friend's head and told her she was going to die. As if all of this isn't tragic enough... like wholly impossible to make sense of... when the man finally let them go (thankfully without killing them) and they ran for help NO ONE was readily willing to step up and help them. I cannot say whether I am more outraged or saddened or sickened by this. Finally, they did get help and are now being surrounded by love from friends and family.
The fact that they were mugged in such a violent way has got me wondering... why? What possesses someone to lose all sense of reality and attack people for what probably amounted to a few bucks and a couple of cell phones that were rendered useless hours later. I personally believe that humans are naturally good and non-violent beings unless otherwise provoked or forced to act out in violence. I get that the economy is bad, that people are down on their luck, out of work, hungry, angry, depressed and on and on, but what I do not get is when or how that switches to violence... I work in the prison system, with both violent and non-violent criminals regularly, and yet I still cannot wrap my head around why such violence exists in this world...
The other half of this story is equally disturbing and perplexing to me... WHO IN THE HELL sees two people who are bleeding and obviously shaken and doesn't IMMEDIATELY come to their aid?!!! Is our world so riddled with apathy that people can see someone hurt and not only do nothing, but have the gull to shoo them away? This makes both my stomach and heart ache simultaneously. While I am happy to see that their requests for help have been overwhelmingly paid attention to within their group of friends from facebook, but at the same time I am saddened that the response is so great over the internet and so completely lacking in the real life moment when they needed help.
It breaks my heart for something so terrible to happen to such awesome people... and while this may be a chance to lose faith in our human race, I say that this is a chance to open our eyes to something wider. We, each of us in our own lives, need to be making a conscious effort to live present and aware lives... that means, be present when you are walking down the street, be present when you meet someone new... treat all human lives with dignity and respect, you never know the last time someone was paid a complement or received praise. Be aware of what you say and do and how. Is someone close to you hurting ? Reach out. We can only get through this life with the assistance of others, so lets choose our circles wisely....take stock in your groups... how many of them would have dropped everything to help total strangers who are in distress on the street. And, if your answer is not most or all, I suggest you rethink who you spend your time with.
As for me, I can definitively say that most, if not all of my friends would jump right in and help out whenever, wherever, friend or stranger, and that is something to take into account, I have seen this first hand. Those people who wouldn't help on Saturday night, they are someone's friends, they need to be shown the proper way to treat other human beings, especially those in distress begging for help. So, there may be some crappy people out there, but I believe they are the minority for the most part. It is unfortunate that the two of them had to go through the original trauma, but it is comforting to see so many people pull together for them. That, in fact reloads my human race faith card... what we can accomplish when we rally together to help as opposed to hate is immeasurable... something none of us should ever forget. I do hope they catch that angry man who did this, but at least they can take some solace from the justice of love and friendship. Thanks for being such amazing people.
They were walking back to their car- on a street I most often park when I am in that neighborhood, and a man attacked them both. He pistol whipped them, robbed them, shot his gun in the air, held it to my friend's head and told her she was going to die. As if all of this isn't tragic enough... like wholly impossible to make sense of... when the man finally let them go (thankfully without killing them) and they ran for help NO ONE was readily willing to step up and help them. I cannot say whether I am more outraged or saddened or sickened by this. Finally, they did get help and are now being surrounded by love from friends and family.
The fact that they were mugged in such a violent way has got me wondering... why? What possesses someone to lose all sense of reality and attack people for what probably amounted to a few bucks and a couple of cell phones that were rendered useless hours later. I personally believe that humans are naturally good and non-violent beings unless otherwise provoked or forced to act out in violence. I get that the economy is bad, that people are down on their luck, out of work, hungry, angry, depressed and on and on, but what I do not get is when or how that switches to violence... I work in the prison system, with both violent and non-violent criminals regularly, and yet I still cannot wrap my head around why such violence exists in this world...
The other half of this story is equally disturbing and perplexing to me... WHO IN THE HELL sees two people who are bleeding and obviously shaken and doesn't IMMEDIATELY come to their aid?!!! Is our world so riddled with apathy that people can see someone hurt and not only do nothing, but have the gull to shoo them away? This makes both my stomach and heart ache simultaneously. While I am happy to see that their requests for help have been overwhelmingly paid attention to within their group of friends from facebook, but at the same time I am saddened that the response is so great over the internet and so completely lacking in the real life moment when they needed help.
It breaks my heart for something so terrible to happen to such awesome people... and while this may be a chance to lose faith in our human race, I say that this is a chance to open our eyes to something wider. We, each of us in our own lives, need to be making a conscious effort to live present and aware lives... that means, be present when you are walking down the street, be present when you meet someone new... treat all human lives with dignity and respect, you never know the last time someone was paid a complement or received praise. Be aware of what you say and do and how. Is someone close to you hurting ? Reach out. We can only get through this life with the assistance of others, so lets choose our circles wisely....take stock in your groups... how many of them would have dropped everything to help total strangers who are in distress on the street. And, if your answer is not most or all, I suggest you rethink who you spend your time with.
As for me, I can definitively say that most, if not all of my friends would jump right in and help out whenever, wherever, friend or stranger, and that is something to take into account, I have seen this first hand. Those people who wouldn't help on Saturday night, they are someone's friends, they need to be shown the proper way to treat other human beings, especially those in distress begging for help. So, there may be some crappy people out there, but I believe they are the minority for the most part. It is unfortunate that the two of them had to go through the original trauma, but it is comforting to see so many people pull together for them. That, in fact reloads my human race faith card... what we can accomplish when we rally together to help as opposed to hate is immeasurable... something none of us should ever forget. I do hope they catch that angry man who did this, but at least they can take some solace from the justice of love and friendship. Thanks for being such amazing people.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Victorious
Pondering the things that hold us back. What holds a person back from being true and authentic to themselves in any given moment? I think the answer is pretty cut and dry... society and self. In undergrad, I had to take a class called self and society, it was a great class that explored the ways in which a person operates within society... their world view, ways in which individuals interact within their social setting and the ways in which one interprets one's own life story. We read several autobiographies and had to write our own autobiography (let me tell ya, it is no small feet indeed to sum one's life up in 30 pages).
What I got out of the class was indispensable- my life is a story, I can either let the story tell me or tell my story. Up until (and well, if I am honest, still now, at times) the awarenesses I made writing that paper, life happened to me. All my troubles could be boiled down to a few things that happened in my life-things that until that point I had subconsciously thought happened to me. While I would have vehemently denied it at the time, I was a victim of my own life. Growth, incite, experience and whatever else you care to lump in with that has since proven to me that life only happens to people who choose to view their lives that way. There are a host of reasons that we fall victim to this mindset, but for me it was just an easy and logical way to explain both why things were the way they were in my life and why I felt the way I did. In the words of another post... it was my reason (and, I'm sure the reasoning for many others) to settle for good enough.
At a certain point in life it hits you, (or it hit me, there are some people who are never hit by it) all that bullshit that I thought was happening to me was actually happening for me... and in fact, none of it was ever bullshit at all... each thing, each lesson, each moment of pain or bliss, each conversation or argument, they are all the building blocks for greatness, and we could all emerge victorious, if we so choose. It was never stumbling blocks as I had perceived them to be, but instead, they were pieces to this incredible foundation for greatness. But, what happens if you stick with the stumbling block scenario? Or, what happens if you get they are supposed to be helping you build a foundation but continue to skin your knees on them? Well, let me tell ya kids...
Then 2-5 years down the line you are looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering what the fuck happened to all that work you thought you did on yourself. Your standing back and surveying your very own MASSIVE wonderwall and your thinking...shit. That was SO not in the original blueprints! Your flabbergasted! All this time you thought you were building yourself up, and really... you were building yourself in... and that's it... it's that damned wonderwall holding you back. It is so unfortunate too, it is a fine piece of construction...rivaling the Hoover dam... holding everything back behind it's pristinely sealed walls, not least of all you. The craftsmanship is something to marvel over, part societal norms, part familial expectation, cemented together with an ample amount of fear and denial... And NOW WHAT?!!! Your project is way behind schedule and ridiculously over-budget when you factor in demolition of the existing structure and the time and cost of building something completely different...a victim of circumstance.
Enter greatness. Greatness says that the wonderwall is not completely useless... there are parts that can be salvaged... reused, recycled, reclaimed... there is no need to be over zealous here, don't run out to rent a wrecking ball... it's overly dramatic and wasteful. Let's see what we can dismantle before we turn this project into a pile of rubble... greatness says we will not fall prey to what everyone else says is an epic failure. Just prepare yourself. The press is going to be all over this one and the public will likely follow suit, calling it a colossal failure, calling you out for your supposed architectural incompetence, they will fling the criticism like a monkey flings poo. But, it is never as bad as those buzzards make it... think about it... any genius knows that there is no short cut to the perfection they strive for... the wonderwall had to be constructed so that it could then transform into this beautiful, unifying and amazing thing. And lets face it... it is so much easier for society to judge and revel in your supposed failure than to ever acknowledge that we are all human and we all take the long way sometimes.
So, instead of shaming myself, instead of letting society 'should' on me... you should have done this or that. I will hold my head high and proud... I am a work in progress. A work of greatness in progress. I do not profess to know everything; hell, most of the time I question whether or not I know anything at all. But life doesn't have to be as tough as we make it for ourselves... it boils down to perfecting the art of improvisation. Things happen. They happen everyday. They happen to or for everyone (depending on where your situated in that spectrum). Sure, it is easier to go with the majority and catastrophize- "Oh, you were adopted? No wonder you (fill in the blank)." Or, you had a bad childhood. Or your parents sucked, or you were poor or raped or molested or whatever it maybe. Shit happens in all of our lives, mine is no better or worse than yours. The question is- will you define those moments for yourself or let those moments define you? Victim or victorious, it is a choice we all make. I choose to be victorious.
What I got out of the class was indispensable- my life is a story, I can either let the story tell me or tell my story. Up until (and well, if I am honest, still now, at times) the awarenesses I made writing that paper, life happened to me. All my troubles could be boiled down to a few things that happened in my life-things that until that point I had subconsciously thought happened to me. While I would have vehemently denied it at the time, I was a victim of my own life. Growth, incite, experience and whatever else you care to lump in with that has since proven to me that life only happens to people who choose to view their lives that way. There are a host of reasons that we fall victim to this mindset, but for me it was just an easy and logical way to explain both why things were the way they were in my life and why I felt the way I did. In the words of another post... it was my reason (and, I'm sure the reasoning for many others) to settle for good enough.
At a certain point in life it hits you, (or it hit me, there are some people who are never hit by it) all that bullshit that I thought was happening to me was actually happening for me... and in fact, none of it was ever bullshit at all... each thing, each lesson, each moment of pain or bliss, each conversation or argument, they are all the building blocks for greatness, and we could all emerge victorious, if we so choose. It was never stumbling blocks as I had perceived them to be, but instead, they were pieces to this incredible foundation for greatness. But, what happens if you stick with the stumbling block scenario? Or, what happens if you get they are supposed to be helping you build a foundation but continue to skin your knees on them? Well, let me tell ya kids...
Then 2-5 years down the line you are looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering what the fuck happened to all that work you thought you did on yourself. Your standing back and surveying your very own MASSIVE wonderwall and your thinking...shit. That was SO not in the original blueprints! Your flabbergasted! All this time you thought you were building yourself up, and really... you were building yourself in... and that's it... it's that damned wonderwall holding you back. It is so unfortunate too, it is a fine piece of construction...rivaling the Hoover dam... holding everything back behind it's pristinely sealed walls, not least of all you. The craftsmanship is something to marvel over, part societal norms, part familial expectation, cemented together with an ample amount of fear and denial... And NOW WHAT?!!! Your project is way behind schedule and ridiculously over-budget when you factor in demolition of the existing structure and the time and cost of building something completely different...a victim of circumstance.
Enter greatness. Greatness says that the wonderwall is not completely useless... there are parts that can be salvaged... reused, recycled, reclaimed... there is no need to be over zealous here, don't run out to rent a wrecking ball... it's overly dramatic and wasteful. Let's see what we can dismantle before we turn this project into a pile of rubble... greatness says we will not fall prey to what everyone else says is an epic failure. Just prepare yourself. The press is going to be all over this one and the public will likely follow suit, calling it a colossal failure, calling you out for your supposed architectural incompetence, they will fling the criticism like a monkey flings poo. But, it is never as bad as those buzzards make it... think about it... any genius knows that there is no short cut to the perfection they strive for... the wonderwall had to be constructed so that it could then transform into this beautiful, unifying and amazing thing. And lets face it... it is so much easier for society to judge and revel in your supposed failure than to ever acknowledge that we are all human and we all take the long way sometimes.
So, instead of shaming myself, instead of letting society 'should' on me... you should have done this or that. I will hold my head high and proud... I am a work in progress. A work of greatness in progress. I do not profess to know everything; hell, most of the time I question whether or not I know anything at all. But life doesn't have to be as tough as we make it for ourselves... it boils down to perfecting the art of improvisation. Things happen. They happen everyday. They happen to or for everyone (depending on where your situated in that spectrum). Sure, it is easier to go with the majority and catastrophize- "Oh, you were adopted? No wonder you (fill in the blank)." Or, you had a bad childhood. Or your parents sucked, or you were poor or raped or molested or whatever it maybe. Shit happens in all of our lives, mine is no better or worse than yours. The question is- will you define those moments for yourself or let those moments define you? Victim or victorious, it is a choice we all make. I choose to be victorious.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Into the Great Wide Open
Over the weekend I had a discussion with someone about the Buddhist principle of impermanence. In Buddhism, it is said that the source of all pain comes from a human's inability to realize that EVERYTHING in this life is impermanent. Instead, we hold people and experiences as personal possessions, attaching ourselves to those people and experiences through feelings which then gives us the illusionary security that things will always be the way to which we are accustom. Anyone who has ever suffered a grave loss knows just how horrible it feels when this illusion is shattered in ones own life, the feeling as if the bottom has just dropped out of your heart and sunk to the pit of your stomach like a ton of bricks.
I do not profess to be an expert on Buddhism, and I certainly am not the one who practices enlightenment with respect to impermanence in my everyday life. I too get hooked, I write about my visceral attachments quite often in fact. And let me be clear here, my take on impermanence and detachment is not APATHY. If anything, these principles clear the emotional clutter so that we may experience the moment to moment connections with someone in a very direct and unobstructed way.
Think about it... what if you were able to enter into each interpersonal encounter in your life without the baggage you carry from past encounters...Most of the time, at least in my experience, we are not even aware that we are projecting our stuff onto someone else. Generally, we only become aware of our own projections when they are pointed out to us... either the other person misinterprets what you are trying to communicate, or you are unable to clearly communicate your point yourself. Feelings generally get hurt, someone takes something personally and you are left to sit in your own confusion of the situations, wondering what in the hell happened.
Looking at the attachments I have in my own life... my parents, and a handful of friends, I am able to take stock and 'say' that I treasure each moment with them, but I treasure each moment without consciously thinking about the fact that I ALWAYS assume there will be countless other moments to spend with each of them. The sayings like 'all we have is this moment', 'we are never promised tomorrow' and others like it seem so worn out and trite to me- mainly because I, like so many others I am sure, hear those words, believe them or take them to heart for a split second, and than happily return to a state of blissful ignorance. As I have shared before, I have experienced many grave, and unexpected losses in my short time on this earth, and still I find myself comfortably settling into the mundane routine of everyday life..
This is heavy stuff, this business of impermanence. Mainly because it runs so counter-intuitive to the way in which our world wants us to operate... but it is also an extremely valuable tool if one can be disciplined enough to begin practicing it. It is not about not caring, it is more about caring enough to give yourself fully and completely to each interaction... and by doing so, the connection IN THAT MOMENT is infinitely more powerful. But it's a mighty big leap of faith for the human brain to engage in one moment and leave that connection right there once the moment has passed.
Like anything else in life worth a damn, it takes so much practice and patience with one's self. This all seems a bit comical coming from the girl who constantly hammers on about being such a slave to her emotions, I know. But if anything, my love/hate relationship with my emotions has given me a fair amount of perspective through which to view these concepts. I hope that through continued awareness I can one day practice these principles in real time in my own life... So far all I can say is that I know that my life is not REALLY mine, and that I have no ownership over any of the relationships in my life... I may call them MY parents, or MY friends, or MY lovers, but I do not own any part of our relationship. Our time together is never as infinite as it seems, in fact it is extremely finite, we do not have today, but only this very moment.
I do not profess to be an expert on Buddhism, and I certainly am not the one who practices enlightenment with respect to impermanence in my everyday life. I too get hooked, I write about my visceral attachments quite often in fact. And let me be clear here, my take on impermanence and detachment is not APATHY. If anything, these principles clear the emotional clutter so that we may experience the moment to moment connections with someone in a very direct and unobstructed way.
Think about it... what if you were able to enter into each interpersonal encounter in your life without the baggage you carry from past encounters...Most of the time, at least in my experience, we are not even aware that we are projecting our stuff onto someone else. Generally, we only become aware of our own projections when they are pointed out to us... either the other person misinterprets what you are trying to communicate, or you are unable to clearly communicate your point yourself. Feelings generally get hurt, someone takes something personally and you are left to sit in your own confusion of the situations, wondering what in the hell happened.
Looking at the attachments I have in my own life... my parents, and a handful of friends, I am able to take stock and 'say' that I treasure each moment with them, but I treasure each moment without consciously thinking about the fact that I ALWAYS assume there will be countless other moments to spend with each of them. The sayings like 'all we have is this moment', 'we are never promised tomorrow' and others like it seem so worn out and trite to me- mainly because I, like so many others I am sure, hear those words, believe them or take them to heart for a split second, and than happily return to a state of blissful ignorance. As I have shared before, I have experienced many grave, and unexpected losses in my short time on this earth, and still I find myself comfortably settling into the mundane routine of everyday life..
This is heavy stuff, this business of impermanence. Mainly because it runs so counter-intuitive to the way in which our world wants us to operate... but it is also an extremely valuable tool if one can be disciplined enough to begin practicing it. It is not about not caring, it is more about caring enough to give yourself fully and completely to each interaction... and by doing so, the connection IN THAT MOMENT is infinitely more powerful. But it's a mighty big leap of faith for the human brain to engage in one moment and leave that connection right there once the moment has passed.
Like anything else in life worth a damn, it takes so much practice and patience with one's self. This all seems a bit comical coming from the girl who constantly hammers on about being such a slave to her emotions, I know. But if anything, my love/hate relationship with my emotions has given me a fair amount of perspective through which to view these concepts. I hope that through continued awareness I can one day practice these principles in real time in my own life... So far all I can say is that I know that my life is not REALLY mine, and that I have no ownership over any of the relationships in my life... I may call them MY parents, or MY friends, or MY lovers, but I do not own any part of our relationship. Our time together is never as infinite as it seems, in fact it is extremely finite, we do not have today, but only this very moment.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wonderwall
A while back I wrote about my old friend tough bitch (Fucking Fishnets and Cigarettes ). I talked about needing to get rid of her as my constant persona. I said that it was worth a shot, and made no promises. While I have been trying to let go of tough bitch, I have realized that there was A LOT more that went along with her. For one thing, I thought that tough bitch was merely a persona I brought out when I felt scared or threatened. Wrong, that may have been true when she first came to be; which by my best guess was probably around the time I was in grade six. But she has been around for so long that she has become my default. And further, I have realized, tough bitch is less a persona and more this crazy fortress I have built around myself - like my own personal great wall of China--or more accurately my version of the Berlin Wall. Because I am trying to dismantle it. One brick at a time.
I really hadn't considered how deep all of this shit ran until recently. I look back and see how that wall has stood between me and almost every relationship I have ever had (platonic or lover...at least my wall is non-discriminatory?!) My wall has been fortified so many times that there is no longer a place to enter or exit... just a tiny keyhole for me to peep through when I am feeling adventurous...As of late I have noticed myself searching for a weak spot in the wall so that I can begin to dismantle even a tiny piece of it... I would like to expand that peephole to a window... perhaps even a gate...
But I am more paralyzed with fear than I had ever imagined. And it is SO weird to be at once aware of that fear and the inherent need to push through it. My head is getting a bit bloody from banging into the wall whilst straining to get a better glimpse through the peephole. And this is all so so so foreign- the awareness that a.) I really have managed to construct the fortress I used to refer to in jest, b.) I have obviously outgrown the fortress because I keep banging into the walls, and c.) the wall didn't crumble when I made the two former realizations.
These walls have not so much kept me safe, but kept me pent up... which is maddening and poetic at the same time. And I can't say that I have a plan for the demolition process, except that I know it has to happen. I will never obtain the peace that I profess to want if I do not proceed with wrecking this self constructed rampart. It's a real pickle I tell ya. I want the growth, yes, but damn it! Can someone else deal with the scary parts... the parts that produce massive amounts of discomfort... those feelings and situations that seem to chuck fuel soaked wood on the raging fire in my belly. I know. I know, that's the shit I am suppose to learn how to embrace. I get that, but when I am teetering on the edge of feeling that way in a particular situation it seems like such a better plan to get the hell out immediately.
Sometimes, situations are so visceral for me that I think it better for both parties in any given situation if I just bow out. Like completely. Like no bye, no nice to know you, no explanation of what you did or didn't do, your just dead to me in essence. Yep, I get how ridiculous, childish, and unhealthy that is. Not to mention the fact that it's selfish, because it is under the guise of saving the other party pain down the road. It is a cop out. I am finding it harder and harder to convince myself that ignoring people and situations is a viable option anymore, imagine that! It is certainly not an option the better man would consider. I said I would be honest and uncensored in this blog, if nowhere else, so this is it. Just writing this out makes me feel the way you do when you have the naked dream. You know the one... you show up at a party full of people and just as you make your entrance you have this striking realization that you are stark naked. In front of everyone. And you cannot find the door. The point is, I know I am not unique. Either we have all been there, or for some of us, we are there right now. I am kind of a determined girl though, and I am not gunna let this wall keep me in, or others out for that matter.
I can say that this blog is teaching me vulnerability... maybe in baby steps, but hey, steps are movement, no matter how small or large they are.
I really hadn't considered how deep all of this shit ran until recently. I look back and see how that wall has stood between me and almost every relationship I have ever had (platonic or lover...at least my wall is non-discriminatory?!) My wall has been fortified so many times that there is no longer a place to enter or exit... just a tiny keyhole for me to peep through when I am feeling adventurous...As of late I have noticed myself searching for a weak spot in the wall so that I can begin to dismantle even a tiny piece of it... I would like to expand that peephole to a window... perhaps even a gate...
But I am more paralyzed with fear than I had ever imagined. And it is SO weird to be at once aware of that fear and the inherent need to push through it. My head is getting a bit bloody from banging into the wall whilst straining to get a better glimpse through the peephole. And this is all so so so foreign- the awareness that a.) I really have managed to construct the fortress I used to refer to in jest, b.) I have obviously outgrown the fortress because I keep banging into the walls, and c.) the wall didn't crumble when I made the two former realizations.
These walls have not so much kept me safe, but kept me pent up... which is maddening and poetic at the same time. And I can't say that I have a plan for the demolition process, except that I know it has to happen. I will never obtain the peace that I profess to want if I do not proceed with wrecking this self constructed rampart. It's a real pickle I tell ya. I want the growth, yes, but damn it! Can someone else deal with the scary parts... the parts that produce massive amounts of discomfort... those feelings and situations that seem to chuck fuel soaked wood on the raging fire in my belly. I know. I know, that's the shit I am suppose to learn how to embrace. I get that, but when I am teetering on the edge of feeling that way in a particular situation it seems like such a better plan to get the hell out immediately.
Sometimes, situations are so visceral for me that I think it better for both parties in any given situation if I just bow out. Like completely. Like no bye, no nice to know you, no explanation of what you did or didn't do, your just dead to me in essence. Yep, I get how ridiculous, childish, and unhealthy that is. Not to mention the fact that it's selfish, because it is under the guise of saving the other party pain down the road. It is a cop out. I am finding it harder and harder to convince myself that ignoring people and situations is a viable option anymore, imagine that! It is certainly not an option the better man would consider. I said I would be honest and uncensored in this blog, if nowhere else, so this is it. Just writing this out makes me feel the way you do when you have the naked dream. You know the one... you show up at a party full of people and just as you make your entrance you have this striking realization that you are stark naked. In front of everyone. And you cannot find the door. The point is, I know I am not unique. Either we have all been there, or for some of us, we are there right now. I am kind of a determined girl though, and I am not gunna let this wall keep me in, or others out for that matter.
I can say that this blog is teaching me vulnerability... maybe in baby steps, but hey, steps are movement, no matter how small or large they are.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Mr. Wendell and the Better Man
Most of the ah-ha moments in my life are derived from conversations I have with people... sometimes strangers, most times people with whom I already have some established connection...
I can remember years ago when I was going to UC there was a homeless dude who always sat out front of the coffee shop I frequented in Clifton. I should say that it was pretty tough to make friends at UC, the race riots were still fresh in everyone's mind and the entire campus seemed to have silently segregated itself into ethnic sub-groups- there were the Latinos, the Asians, the African Americans and so on. Strangely enough, there was no pasty-red head group. I have always made friends relatively easily, so striking up conversation after conversation with people on campus only to be ignored or rejected got old after the first couple of days...So, I spent my long breaks in coffee shops getting to know locals as opposed to anyone on campus. So the homeless guy- he hung out on the same street, generally in front of the same few shops, everyday. He knew everybody that passed by, and they all knew him. He would sweep the sidewalks out in front of the shops and in return the merchants would pay him with a coffee or a sandwich.
The guy was wise beyond my years. Like Mr. Wendell from the Arrested Development song. As we stood there on those crisp autumn afternoons, smoking cigarettes and chatting about the intricacies of life, I realized I was getting far more of an 'education' from that man than any university class was going to get me. So I quit going to class. Instead, I walked to the coffee shop everyday, outlined my textbooks and savored the wisdom nuggets that guy outside the coffee shop would exhale in between drags of the smoke I was always happy to give him. At the end of the school year I left that school, there seemed to me to be little reason to pay to go to a school where your 3.89 gpa came from coffee shop talks and textbook outlining while skipping class. I will always remember that guy though, my own Mr. Wendell.
Since Mr. Wendell there have been countless talks. Countless interactions, countless unexpected nuggets of wisdom, sometimes from the most unsuspecting places. The measure of my human experience has come from these interactions. I am blessed to have met and mingled with so many wisdom filled souls. These interactions can never be forced, they must happen organically and always when you least expect it. In conversation last weekend with one such wisdom filled soul I was told "I hope one day you learn to speak to yourself the way that you speak to others" and I was taken aback. I had never really considered the fact that I do anything but speak to others the way I want to be spoken to. And then it dawned on me, the way in which I want to be spoken to so often does not match up with the way in which I speak to myself. And I wondered, how many of us do that? How many of us subscribe to those variations of the golden rule- speaking to others, treating others, the way we want to be treated and spoken to, only to not follow through when it comes to how we treat and speak to ourselves?
Many people have been gracious enough to pay me the complement of being a good listener, or a sound advice giver... a high complement indeed. But when I stop for a moment and really think about it- I am a bit of an impostor in this arena if I cannot say the same things to myself. If I cannot follow my own advice. The conversation that spawned this whole diatribe in my brain started out as a discussion about learning what it is to 'be the better man'. We talked about how in life, sometimes our lessons are for higher purpose, and the lesson of 'being the better man' is indeed one of those lessons. The better man embraces situations which would other wise be avoided by a 'lesser man', he deals with things head on and runs from nothing, all the while conducting himself with grace and poise. The better man must not only talk the talk, but follow it with an impressive walk. There is no swagger in the better man's walk, it takes perfect posture, broad shoulders and humility to walk this walk. It wasn't until we ended the discussion and he posed the idea that I should learn to speak to myself in the same way I speak to others that I realized- I cannot be the better man until I can walk that walk in my own life. So, I raise my glass to all of you that not only talk the talk of wisdom, but walk the walk of the better man- thanks for being such bright, shining lights of example in the world.
I can remember years ago when I was going to UC there was a homeless dude who always sat out front of the coffee shop I frequented in Clifton. I should say that it was pretty tough to make friends at UC, the race riots were still fresh in everyone's mind and the entire campus seemed to have silently segregated itself into ethnic sub-groups- there were the Latinos, the Asians, the African Americans and so on. Strangely enough, there was no pasty-red head group. I have always made friends relatively easily, so striking up conversation after conversation with people on campus only to be ignored or rejected got old after the first couple of days...So, I spent my long breaks in coffee shops getting to know locals as opposed to anyone on campus. So the homeless guy- he hung out on the same street, generally in front of the same few shops, everyday. He knew everybody that passed by, and they all knew him. He would sweep the sidewalks out in front of the shops and in return the merchants would pay him with a coffee or a sandwich.
The guy was wise beyond my years. Like Mr. Wendell from the Arrested Development song. As we stood there on those crisp autumn afternoons, smoking cigarettes and chatting about the intricacies of life, I realized I was getting far more of an 'education' from that man than any university class was going to get me. So I quit going to class. Instead, I walked to the coffee shop everyday, outlined my textbooks and savored the wisdom nuggets that guy outside the coffee shop would exhale in between drags of the smoke I was always happy to give him. At the end of the school year I left that school, there seemed to me to be little reason to pay to go to a school where your 3.89 gpa came from coffee shop talks and textbook outlining while skipping class. I will always remember that guy though, my own Mr. Wendell.
Since Mr. Wendell there have been countless talks. Countless interactions, countless unexpected nuggets of wisdom, sometimes from the most unsuspecting places. The measure of my human experience has come from these interactions. I am blessed to have met and mingled with so many wisdom filled souls. These interactions can never be forced, they must happen organically and always when you least expect it. In conversation last weekend with one such wisdom filled soul I was told "I hope one day you learn to speak to yourself the way that you speak to others" and I was taken aback. I had never really considered the fact that I do anything but speak to others the way I want to be spoken to. And then it dawned on me, the way in which I want to be spoken to so often does not match up with the way in which I speak to myself. And I wondered, how many of us do that? How many of us subscribe to those variations of the golden rule- speaking to others, treating others, the way we want to be treated and spoken to, only to not follow through when it comes to how we treat and speak to ourselves?
Many people have been gracious enough to pay me the complement of being a good listener, or a sound advice giver... a high complement indeed. But when I stop for a moment and really think about it- I am a bit of an impostor in this arena if I cannot say the same things to myself. If I cannot follow my own advice. The conversation that spawned this whole diatribe in my brain started out as a discussion about learning what it is to 'be the better man'. We talked about how in life, sometimes our lessons are for higher purpose, and the lesson of 'being the better man' is indeed one of those lessons. The better man embraces situations which would other wise be avoided by a 'lesser man', he deals with things head on and runs from nothing, all the while conducting himself with grace and poise. The better man must not only talk the talk, but follow it with an impressive walk. There is no swagger in the better man's walk, it takes perfect posture, broad shoulders and humility to walk this walk. It wasn't until we ended the discussion and he posed the idea that I should learn to speak to myself in the same way I speak to others that I realized- I cannot be the better man until I can walk that walk in my own life. So, I raise my glass to all of you that not only talk the talk of wisdom, but walk the walk of the better man- thanks for being such bright, shining lights of example in the world.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Distance Equals Rate Times Time
So I ran across an Oscar Wilde quote yesterday- "How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being." And it stuck with me. I chewed on it yesterday and I am still chewing on it today...
Sure, it runs a bit counter intuitive to my whole there is no such thing as a unique individual, but it brings up a good point. In life, be it friendships or relationships, do we not seek out those people who make us feel as though we are important to them? I know this is the way I treat my friends, and when I am in a relationship, I am always vying to let my significant other know their significance in my life. I think at the root of human nature there are a few core needs we all want/need met. After our basic needs of shelter, food, and physical security there are these vast needs that many of us either ignore, run away from or pretend don't exist in some fashion.
We all have a need for human interaction, and coupled with that is a need for connection and love. That is why nearly all of us seek out mates. Humans are not meant to go through life alone- if we were then you could stick a human baby out in the woods and they would survive. Nope, we need companionship on so many levels- it feeds us at the soul level. Now, of course, friends can help to meet that connection need, family can meet some of the love need, but for most of us, at some point we will seek out a 'better half'. Obviously, meeting this need has gotten wholly more complex in the last 50 or so years- hell even more so in the last 20 years. With the divorce rate soaring and a generation of children of divorce at the life partner seeking age, there is more pressure now than ever to 'get it right', find that perfect partner, not repeat the mistakes of our parents... etc.
It seems to me that most of my friends began that lifelong partnership journey within the last 5-10 years. I boarded that train a few times, but quickly disembarked for one reason or another, most of those that I had begun the journey with continued on and are now living the lives they had dreamed of all along- which makes me happy for them and content in my decision not to take the journey with them. Looking at all of this through the lens of solo life; it looks much different now then it did, five or ten years ago. My perspective has changed quite a bit... what I used to think I wanted in a partner for the journey now seems so silly and shallow...
I am sure that shift in perspective goes hand in hand with age and experience. I have had many, many experiences in the last decade, and those experiences have influenced the way in which I see the world, and more importantly the way that I see myself. Where ten years ago it was about the relationship, today it is about the partnership, and in my mind the two are extremely different. I consider myself lucky to have examples of both partnerships and relationships all around me... some are the kind of amazing partnerships I hope to have someday. Some are distant, disconnected, relationships of convenience which remind me why it is important to be patient, and wait for the former to come around. Some partners treat each other as though the other is the most important person in the world, they remind their partners and themselves everyday how lucky they are to have found each other- they take little to nothing for granted and find tremendous amounts of happiness in the everyday details with their partner because they adore them, everything in their lives is that much sweeter just because the other person is there. Other relationships seem to be threaded together out of social or financial convenience...they have boarded the train together and now, even though they are clearly unhappy the life they have with mortgages, car notes, children and friend groups seems impossible to unravel for something as trite as happiness. So, together they will remain in their individual misery.
Those relationships where the two people are happy and fulfilled by each other are harder to come by for one simple reason- it is so much easier to settle for whatever comes your way, to talk yourself into this is how it is. I have said it before, I will say it again, a thousand times more if that is what it takes for ME to get it... the reason we are not all GREAT, the reason we do not all live GREAT lives is because sometimes, what we see as perfectly normal is good enough. But I want to be great, I want greatness for others in my life. I have to keep reminding myself of the perseverance and tenacity that it takes to travel the long and sometimes weary road to greatness. And I will not settle for good enough in this sense. This is my life. This is your life. Struggle a little, reap the benefits that are sown by hard work and awareness. Savor every little moment... appreciate every lesson you possibly can. Don't settle for perfectly normal when greatness is within reach... and it always is, right within your reach. I will never claim it to be an easy journey, but thankfully I am seem to always be reminded that life can be an amazing journey.
I realize that sometimes these ramblings get a bit preachy, I am preaching more to myself, but if any of my life lessons can help someone else-right on! I have to remind myself FREQUENTLY of the ultimate goal. Speaking to my b.f.a.m. the other day, he reminded me that there are some lessons in life that we may have to learn multiple times and all we could both do is laugh. Because I am the girl who has to learn things not only the hard way, but generally I have to learn it a number of times before it sticks. Thanks to all of you out there, whether or not I know you, whether or not we have even met, thanks for living lives of greatness to remind those of us who need a little refresher once and a while, it can be done.
Sure, it runs a bit counter intuitive to my whole there is no such thing as a unique individual, but it brings up a good point. In life, be it friendships or relationships, do we not seek out those people who make us feel as though we are important to them? I know this is the way I treat my friends, and when I am in a relationship, I am always vying to let my significant other know their significance in my life. I think at the root of human nature there are a few core needs we all want/need met. After our basic needs of shelter, food, and physical security there are these vast needs that many of us either ignore, run away from or pretend don't exist in some fashion.
We all have a need for human interaction, and coupled with that is a need for connection and love. That is why nearly all of us seek out mates. Humans are not meant to go through life alone- if we were then you could stick a human baby out in the woods and they would survive. Nope, we need companionship on so many levels- it feeds us at the soul level. Now, of course, friends can help to meet that connection need, family can meet some of the love need, but for most of us, at some point we will seek out a 'better half'. Obviously, meeting this need has gotten wholly more complex in the last 50 or so years- hell even more so in the last 20 years. With the divorce rate soaring and a generation of children of divorce at the life partner seeking age, there is more pressure now than ever to 'get it right', find that perfect partner, not repeat the mistakes of our parents... etc.
It seems to me that most of my friends began that lifelong partnership journey within the last 5-10 years. I boarded that train a few times, but quickly disembarked for one reason or another, most of those that I had begun the journey with continued on and are now living the lives they had dreamed of all along- which makes me happy for them and content in my decision not to take the journey with them. Looking at all of this through the lens of solo life; it looks much different now then it did, five or ten years ago. My perspective has changed quite a bit... what I used to think I wanted in a partner for the journey now seems so silly and shallow...
I am sure that shift in perspective goes hand in hand with age and experience. I have had many, many experiences in the last decade, and those experiences have influenced the way in which I see the world, and more importantly the way that I see myself. Where ten years ago it was about the relationship, today it is about the partnership, and in my mind the two are extremely different. I consider myself lucky to have examples of both partnerships and relationships all around me... some are the kind of amazing partnerships I hope to have someday. Some are distant, disconnected, relationships of convenience which remind me why it is important to be patient, and wait for the former to come around. Some partners treat each other as though the other is the most important person in the world, they remind their partners and themselves everyday how lucky they are to have found each other- they take little to nothing for granted and find tremendous amounts of happiness in the everyday details with their partner because they adore them, everything in their lives is that much sweeter just because the other person is there. Other relationships seem to be threaded together out of social or financial convenience...they have boarded the train together and now, even though they are clearly unhappy the life they have with mortgages, car notes, children and friend groups seems impossible to unravel for something as trite as happiness. So, together they will remain in their individual misery.
Those relationships where the two people are happy and fulfilled by each other are harder to come by for one simple reason- it is so much easier to settle for whatever comes your way, to talk yourself into this is how it is. I have said it before, I will say it again, a thousand times more if that is what it takes for ME to get it... the reason we are not all GREAT, the reason we do not all live GREAT lives is because sometimes, what we see as perfectly normal is good enough. But I want to be great, I want greatness for others in my life. I have to keep reminding myself of the perseverance and tenacity that it takes to travel the long and sometimes weary road to greatness. And I will not settle for good enough in this sense. This is my life. This is your life. Struggle a little, reap the benefits that are sown by hard work and awareness. Savor every little moment... appreciate every lesson you possibly can. Don't settle for perfectly normal when greatness is within reach... and it always is, right within your reach. I will never claim it to be an easy journey, but thankfully I am seem to always be reminded that life can be an amazing journey.
I realize that sometimes these ramblings get a bit preachy, I am preaching more to myself, but if any of my life lessons can help someone else-right on! I have to remind myself FREQUENTLY of the ultimate goal. Speaking to my b.f.a.m. the other day, he reminded me that there are some lessons in life that we may have to learn multiple times and all we could both do is laugh. Because I am the girl who has to learn things not only the hard way, but generally I have to learn it a number of times before it sticks. Thanks to all of you out there, whether or not I know you, whether or not we have even met, thanks for living lives of greatness to remind those of us who need a little refresher once and a while, it can be done.
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