Closed Doors, Open Windows.

Since I have been a bit gloom and doom lately, I thought it high time I do a happy/grateful post. 

So, to start, I am grateful for all the little struggles the last few months-and they have all been little-even if they have felt overwhelming.  I am finally to the point where I think that I am ready to make some big and necessary changes.  I am finished spinning my wheels, feeling stuck, and acting like a powerless victim.  By the end of the year I will have begun looking for a new job and will be setting plans in motion to make all the things I want to happen in my life come to fruition.  I am on the upswing and have a good amount of confidence that I will make it happen.  Struggle is never for nothing and it is certainly not forever.  Although I will say that I know making these changes will come with new and different struggles, but I welcome the new challenges. 

A few weeks back, I was surprised and humbled to find out that a trip I had desperately wanted to go on would be happening due to the INSANE generosity of friends- and for that I am incredibly grateful... like beyond words... like I have never received a gift on such a crazy scale.  And the awesomeness and gratitude doesn't stop there.  My best friend from high school moved to California 11 years ago.  In that 11 years I have seen him 3 times; with the last time being 3 years ago.  We talk on the phone all the time, but- come on.  Talking on the phone is just NOT THE SAME!  Anyhow, when I found out about this trip, my brother from another mother suggested I contact my friend and see if he could meet us. And guess what? I found out this week that he and his beautiful wife will indeed be able to meet up! I AM SO EXCITED I cannot really explain it!

So, this week I have been forcing myself to stop looking at the door that just slammed shut in my face and instead climb through the window that was open right next to it.  So far, it is working.  I have poked my head through the window, and I will say- the skies are clear and blue and the landscape is lush and green.  Now, all I have to do is hoist myself up and slink on through.  I generally spend so much time staring at the closed door that I never notice the open window.  The window is pretty high up, so I will need to whip myself into shape to get up there and through- but it is certainly doable with a little conditioning. And, it just so happens that at this point I have a fair amount of free time to devote to it.  So all I can say is- YAY!!!! Yay for struggles, setbacks and victories.  Yea for having a clear enough mind to finally exit the pot I have been stewing in and begin a new endeavor.  And, most importantly- yea for friends who love and support me along the way- friends and family continue to be the most integral pieces of every success and victory in my life. Love you all!

Snooze Button

So, I told myself that I would give me a week to get over myself.  Seven days to be sad, angry, depressed and whatever other unproductive emotion I needed to feel.  I have gone through the spectrum, although mostly I have been angry, and mostly at myself.  I absolutely will not own all the blame in this situation; however I have to own my part.  And in weak moments I do indulge those thoughts- why does it seem like I am always the one looking at my shit? Why do I have to stand here, knee deep in 'damn it'? Why can't I be the one who goes on about life like it never mattered anyway? And then, I come crashing back to reality and realize that I CHOSE this path, I chose to look at my shit, I chose to be aware, I CHOOSE to grow, and that means I am obligated (to myself) to look at my part, and even though sometimes I just want to go back to that state of being blissfully un-aware, I cannot.

Each time I want to focus the blame on another- any other, in any situation, I am cheating myself, out of the opportunity to learn.  Oh it feels SO GOOD though! It is so much more satisfying (in the moment) to pick someone else apart.  I want to shred the other person's shortcomings to bits, because I know how good it would feel (in the moment).  However, this is pretty much doing what I have always done.  In any situation where  I feel as though I have been wronged I want to immediately lash out and blame, and it works for a bit... but then I have to deal with dragging around a huge sack of resentments, which ends up being a gigantic pain in the ass... And anyways, all of that blame and anger does not fit in with my belief that we are all right where we need to be and we are all being presented with the opportunity to learn life's lessons at each moment... It is my choice to grab hold of my lesson just as it is anyone else's choice to either grab hold of or ignore their own lessons... and it is not my place to tell someone else what they need to learn, because in that breath I am loosing the opportunity to learn for myself. And let's be honest, I have a hard time recognizing my own lessons, learning the same thing multiple times before I get it, so I couldn't possibly know what others need to learn.

If I were to do what I have always done, at this point I would pack this experience away in a box and shove it as far back into the closet of my mind as possible.  I am tired of dealing with it and just want to be finished with it.  Unfortunately, I know all too well how that shakes out... it will come back to haunt me at some point in the future, in all it's skeletal glory... and I will be MUCH more annoyed with it then.  So, I am giving this particular lesson it's due, in hopes that I can finally see a lesson through to total fruition for once!  I have finally made a commitment to myself and I intend to keep it.  Everyday I get closer to knowing exactly what it is that I want, and doing this sort of work and being this kind of honest with myself, however painful and humbling it may be, is pretty much the only way to get where I want to be in my life, I think.

Anyway, as we should all know by now, life doesn't stop because your having a bad day, or your pissed off or you really want/need a break.  Nope, this is usually when life kicks it into high gear, and I am not special when it comes to this life paradigm. My brother from another mother and his amazing fiance are moving today, to Columbus.  In 15 years, he and I have NEVER lived more than ten minutes apart.  We have always been able to meet up on a whim if we wanted.  He has, for the longest time been the person I call when I absolutely do not want to talk to another soul on the planet.  He's got one of THE MOST optimistic views on life, he is a cheerleader and a rock, he is the voice of reason (although, I will admit to not always listening to that reason) he is a thinker and a pragmatist.  And the best fucking friend anyone anywhere could ever dream up.  And he somehow managed to find a girl who is completely his equal in wonderfulness! The two of them are so unbelievably solid together that there is no doubt in my mind that this move (although difficult) will be awesome for the two of them.

I am happy for them, beyond words.  Better things could not happen to two better people, no doubt.  And of course, in my usual selfish way, I am sad they are moving out of town.  I am really sad, and scared too.  I know, I know, everyone has said EXACTLY what you are thinking right now- it's only an hour away, geeze.  What's the big deal?! Well, the big deal I am realizing, has little to do with the two of them.  It has to do with me not being able to ignore the fact that they are making things happen in their lives- so, I can sit here and cry about them leaving and feel sad and left out and whatever other silly feeling that has danced across the stage of my minds eye in the last couple of months, I can complain about how all of this crap is happening at once and that it is just too much... I cannot handle it... BLAH BLAH BLAH...It's all so repetitive it makes me sleepy.

OR

I look right in front of me and grab the lesson.  All of these things are happening at once so that I will WAKE UP from my 8 month slumber of laziness and coasting and I will start making shit happen in my own life.  This after all is the only option... If I am bored or feel stuck or whatever it is...I am the catalyst that can change it or I can be the glue that permanently affixes myself to that settled in spot.  I have every fucking excuse in the book as to why I cannot do anything other than what it is that I am doing at this present moment in my life... I am stuck in my house because the market sucks... I am stuck at my job because I have too much debt, and on and on and on.  Unfortunately, I am aware that in any given situation I am both the problem and the solutions, therefore, I have got to change the way I think about things. And NO ONE is ever stuck unless they choose to be.

I have tended in life to be a pessimist, especially when I get lazy; but in the last year or so I have noticed myself getting annoyed with that trait in others and in turn being more aware of it in myself.  Oddly, this is awareness for which I can credit Facebook.  Reading pessimistic people's status updates on a constant- the most popular- "I'm bored", to the more dramatic "My life sucks" has made me acutely aware of the correlation between outlook and outcome in life.  If your bored, DO SOMETHING.  If you think your life sucks, CHANGE IT.  Sure, it takes a bit (and sometimes a lot) of effort, but at least then your busy living instead of dwelling on shit.  So, yes. I gave myself a week to get over myself, but this has been building for a long, long while, and I think I can safely say, I am over it.  I have a list of things that I need to get busy on and I finally have the fire under my ass to do them. 

The two of them moving is going to be hard, it is already sad.  It will change a lot of how our friendships operate.  And we ALL know how much us humans love change ;) There will not be too many 'lets meet up for a beer' nights through the week.  And the chances of she and I going grocery shopping together are pretty slim. Unless Monday is a holiday, wasted Sundays will most likely be a thing of the past as well. And all of these things and more are the silly little things I cherish and have somewhat taken for granted in the last year.  I could sit and think only about the stuff I will miss about them being 10 minutes away FOR WEEKS!!!

But, as my brother from another framed it the other night- "you know, this doesn't have to be the worst thing.  It could be awesome."  And, as is usually the case, he is right.  It could be awesome, it could ALWAYS be awesome.  Even if it sucks, it can still be awesome and THAT is what I want. AWESOME.  Thanks for reminding me chief, sometimes I need it and I always appreciate it.  These little wisdom nuggets are why I love you.  Well, that and the fact that you always fight the urge to say I told you so even though I deserve it (often)! So here's to the two of you and your awesome new life- if nothing else it has already inspired a ripple effect, I will no longer be hitting the snooze button on forward motion. I love you both.

Pieces of What? Part II

Well, the experiment has come to an end. To recap- the experiment was to take a situation where I would attempt to make my feelings objective... In essence I was trying to see if I could think my way through my feelings as opposed to feeling them.  It was a seriously difficult task. I found myself falling from object to subject often, but tried to be persistent and consistent with the effort.  What I can say is that it was a valuable experience and lesson, what I cannot say is that I was entirely successful.

So, lets start with what I gained: Perspective- TONS of it. More than I really wanted, but probably as much as I needed.  I can directly credit this experiment with exposing my wonder wall to me, as well as the need to pay attention to it and do some work in that area.  I am reminded that all humans (not just me) are fallible, that we all make decisions based on whatever data we have on hand and that data is subject to each person's interpretation.  So what I may interpret as positive feedback in the experiment, another may interpret as something negative- or even more importantly, the other may not interpret the data to have any significance at all.  Communication is key, without it both people can interpret the same experience in different ways so that one person works with the information at hand in one way, the other goes the opposite direction and then the experiment is inherently flawed; as ended up the case with this experiment.

Also worth noting about my shifting perspective- when I realized that the experiment had ended, I went with my default reaction- anger of course.  And, to be fair, I will admit I am still angry.  Before this experiment I would have immediately shifted into a vindictive and mean spirited reaction, without even a thought.  And while I have thought about all of that- substantially- I have not acted or rather reacted I guess, in my normal manner.  The fact that I  have actually thought about it at all is actually pretty big for me.  I am not sure if it is just me or human nature to react in anger when you feel hurt or wronged... maybe it's just me; but what I had to realize is that I willingly participated (and really, designed) this experiment. I do not get to pout when the results are not in favor of my original hypothesis- I have to review the experiment, the methodologies, the findings and then draw appropriate conclusions from there.  I knew there was a reason I hate science!

The experiment was never really scientific to begin with, I know that.  Taking a situation in which I am already involved and trying to reverse my feelings to objective anything was doomed from the start.  I do not regard this as a failure; sure, I proved myself wrong and the experiment ended abruptly and without closure, and I feel sad and angry about that, and in the end I did fall completely subject to my feelings.  BUT I can now sit here and look at it in an objective way- perhaps what I thought this whole thing was about was never the case to begin with.  And in the end I am coming out a richer person for the experience and awareness.  And I suppose I can take a moment to relish in the fact that I am growing and will continue to move forward, no matter what.  I am not sure I believe the same for the other party.  I think that they may have taken a few steps back due to fear- and that's fine, everyone has their own process.  I am glad that when faced with the results of someone elses decision, I can choose to grow instead of digress- because I absolutely believe that growth or digression is a real choice in every situation.

I for one, do not at all want what I have always gotten, so I am not doing what I have always done.  This is the moment where I go back into myself, recenter and start back where I left off...no, not start over- to start over would do no justice to all the work I have already completed, it is all necessary and it is all useful.  It hurts right now, and I hate that.  I have spent a small amount of time shoulding on myself for allowing myself to be hurt.  I have also contemplated whether or not this whole vulnerability thing is worth it.  I want to be angry and to say fuck it to the whole vulnerability thing... but in the end, the hurt is part of the cycle- and THIS is where the objectivity really comes in handy... I could fall subject to my 'hurt feelings', I could take on a victim mentality here 'it's not fair' 'they hurt me' 'they invited me to be vulnerable and then took my vulnerability and ran off laughing' 'gotcha bitch'.  But I will not, I do think vulnerability is worth while for the deep and rich experiences it could bring about- what I have to do is reclaim my power, there is much to be gained- me thinks - by allowing oneself to be vulnerable while simultaneously holding on to one's own power....

So, I am sure I will have many more ups and downs concerning this situation.  I am also aware that I am probably not finished hashing this out in my mind.  But at least I can take responsibility for my part and continue attempting not to own what is not mine in the situation.  I need not be concerned with whether or not the other party is learning their lessons... or the 'fairness' of the situation.  Everyone makes choices, and I cannot get hung up on the decisions that others make- even when I think they were the wrong ones.  What I can do is focus on where I go from here and make my own choices.  My heart maybe heavy, but it wont last forever- Lao Tzu said "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."  I do feel as though I have the courage to get through my weakest moments and now, I will set my sites on strength.

O.P.P.

In conversation yesterday, it was suggested to me that I need some direction in my life.  I wanted to be offended. I wanted to stand up and yell 'fuck off'.  I wanted to be angry.  Instead, I was frustrated.  I tried to find an witty response, but the only thing I could come up with was 'you are right, I know.' So, in my natural way of doing things, I mulled over it all day, all night too.  I am still mulling as I type.  And, not surprisingly, I have come up with very few conclusions...  All I can think is that for me, life direction, life paths, whatever you want to call it, they boil down to one very simple concept- passion.

I have thus far lived out my adult life based on the principal of being passionate- if you are passionate about whatever it is that you are doing, then you will love it and in turn do it well...right?  Problem is, thus far in life I have not discovered anything I am particularly passionate about... Sure, I have had the privilege of witnessing other people's passions- I have friends who are passionate about their respective art forms... friends who are passionate for some type of social justice... friends who are passionate about raising their children... but I cannot say that I have any of those passions burning within me.

Sure, I am passionate for O.P.P. (other people's passions)... I have been a life long supporter of local music  because 90% of my friends are musicians. The same goes for art in any form- I have friends who are amazing writers, painters, potters, sculptors, etc.  I could go on, but you get the point... In school I swung from one interest to the next as far as learning went... the world's religions, psychology, art, history and on and on. I do think any were really a passion, more like a flavor of the week.  This probably goes a long way to explaining why I had SO many credits when I finally graduated!

I know, get to the point, right? Well, yesterday I also happened to have a conversation with a friend about her plans for her future.  I must admit, I was a bit surprised at the plan (although, at least she has a plan... that's a hell of a lot more than I have at the moment ;)  Anyway, she was telling me about her five year plan, and, because it had been stuck in my mind yesterday, I could not help but ask if she was passionate about what she was proposing to go to school for and make a career out of.  Her answer was that no, she had no discernible passion for the field she was choosing, but that the field in which she does have a passion offers little opportunity for employment, much less making a good living or having any stability.  I berrated the poor girl with a thousand what if's and why not's, and she politely entertained my questions, although I am sure she was annoyed. Who wouldn't be annoyed after finally coming up with a plan and direction for her life only to have it picked apart and questioned, right?

I have had a great many friends do exactly what she is planning to do... go into a career path that may not be of much interest to them, but it is stable and there is the potential to make good money and have a good life.  Very few of them are living a passionless life... they pursue their passions outside the work week.  But you know me, I want my cake AND I want to fucking eat it! Why is that such a ridiculous concept? Why should I have to reserve the cake for evenings and weekends?  Why is it so ludicrous to want to have the pleasure of eating the cake everyday all day... OK, it sounds glutinous, but I really believe that it is a possibility.  Trouble is, I have not yet found my cake.  Some days I think I am searching too hard for it... like it's a snake about to bite me if only I could see past the end of my broken nose...  and then, some days, like yesterday... I feel as though I may not be putting forth enough effort...

I personally consider those who have found their life's passion to be SO LUCKY! I envy every one of my friends who picked up an instrument or a paintbrush or a microphone when they were young and realized that doing that thing (whatever it was for each of them) completed them.  Or those who found this one subject in school to be totally and completely fulfilling such that they wanted to study that for the rest of their lives... Those who went to school and said I want to be a (fill in the blank) and then directed their lives toward pursuing and meeting that goal.

I do not know that my goal of 'I want to be a better human' fits into those criteria... What exactly does being a better human mean you ask? I cannot answer, and that my friends is a problem.  There is no room in this world for yet another wanderer... I need a plan, but from where I stand at this moment a plan looks like lop-sided compromise... like the only way to have a plan is to give up some of the stalwart ideas I have about life... like finding a career path that I may or may not like and committing to it-in the interest of money and stability-forever. GOD I hate that word, forever.  I am standing at the exact same crossroads I stood a year ago... Do I go back and finish school? I do not have any particular interest in going back, but then again I have no other immediate back up... Is $550 a credit hour worth it for 'something to occupy my mind'?  Maybe I should just take on another job- what else am I going to do?! I have a monkey mind and all this free time is driving me crazy!

Do I pursue a passion? How does that work exactly if one has no discernible passion? I don't feel like passion is something you can necessarily seek out... I think that it is one of those things that has to happen organically... I also think it a bit weird that I have nearly made it to thirty without a passion... have I allowed my passions to pass me by? Am I that blind?!  Or, perhaps it's just that I place to much emphasis on passion in general.  So many people I know say- just find a good job and stick to it... all this fence sitting is making me restless.  Some days, I want to go into the basement of my brain and flip the breaker switch! STOP THINKING SO MUCH you weirdo!! But, I can't.  So I guess the next best thing is to write it all out on here... get it out in front of me and then come back to it later... maybe then I will get some clarity.  I guess until that clarity comes I will just keep my eyes open for my cake... Oh look! A shiny!

Where is my Mind?

Every now and again I go through my back posts and re-read them.  I thought this blog would be a great way to capture the ah-ha moments that I have and then in turn, be able to go back and reference them... which is exactly what I do when I go back through past posts... and it's funny, every time I read them I glean something else... perhaps because my lens and perspective is constantly shifting, or maybe because different things relate to different life situations at different times.  Anyway, for the past couple of days I have been experiencing this weird, sort of intense sadness.  For the life of me I cannot figure out why... everything is as hunky dory as it could be in my life, at least on the surface.

Now, don't go running away just yet... this is not some sappy, sad, I am in a deep dark place, post.  I am more experiencing an emotion I generally block... because this feeling is not anyone's fave.  To me, the best way to describe feeling sad is to picture someone walking around with an invisible rain cloud over their head... You can't see it and most often, neither can they- and it is sunny and hot as hell out so it is difficult for anyone to ascertain.  But it is there... I am not talking about depression, I am talking about sudden and un-explained sadness- it doesn't last forever, it is just uncomfortable at the time. I have heard this feeling is often the precursor to some sort of growth... it shifts you out of your comfort zone just enough so that you will get up off your ass, make an awareness and change something.  And I believe that.

In the last few months I have been faced with some difficult decisions... decisions I have tried my damnedest to avoid making... the kind of decisions that involve other people's feelings.  Believe it or not, I care about most human's feelings... more than I should. More than my own, which is something I have touched on before- it often gets me in trouble with myself.  But now, now I am getting to the point where caring for other people's feelings is starting to impede on my own.  'I don't want to hurt her feelings.' or 'he's not a bad person, I don't want to be mean to him'.  What I have failed to do in those statements is remove the judgment.  In taking care of my own feelings I am not purposefully hurting someone else, although, in my mind it sometimes feels that way...

It sometimes feels as though there is no way to gracefully bow out of an uncomfortable situation.  And, while this may be a bit short sighted in awareness, most of the time I am not the one who makes the situation uncomfortable.  Sure, I can not take the situation personally but, and here is the hardcore truth... but sometimes it just feels unfair to be stuck in the middle of so many fucking weird situations.  No, I do not want to be your third point in this weird triangulation you have going on here- been there, done that, too many times. I know that I am the problem and solution here... I am the common denominator in all of these fucked up situations, so I have no one to blame but myself, but what I struggle with is- how does this happen?

I know this shit is not happening to me, but for me.  There are valuable goldmines worth of lessons in these situations, but I sometimes have a hard time separating what is and isn't mine... What responsibility do I hold? Well, I suppose for starters- I hold responsibility for myself, my actions, words and innuendos.  At some point I gave the impression that I am willing to be dragged through other people's problems (and I am not talking about listening to a friend who is going through a tough time, what I am referring to here are much more random situations, to people whom I have little to no connection with).  At some point people figured out (maybe not consciously) that I would listen, even if listening meant that it would affect me in some way.  At some point I gave away my power.  The silly part is- at ANY point, I could take that power back.  I can own my power whenever I want... I just have to get over the judgment shit I have about that...

This first came to my attention in a profound way a couple of years ago, when a 'friend' shared something with me that was in no way appropriate for her to share with me.  At the time, I thought she had shared it because she had no other option, I thought she shared it because she wanted help, now I know there were plenty of options, for both her and me.  I agonized over the information for a long, long time.  I continually asked myself 'what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?' What I know now it that I owned something that was not mine in that moment. One very brief conversation changed a lot of things.  That conversation began the demise of a friendship that was at that point over a decade in the making.  And to this day, I am still not good with it or the way I handled myself in it.  Since then there have been similar conversations, not in content, but context, where I could either choose to own my power and get out of a situation that was not mine to begin with, or I could choose to try desperately to help the other person while ripping my conscience to bits... and for the most part, I have continued to choose the latter.

But not now.  Now, this awareness is far too glaring.  It is blinding me... my sadness is not un-explainable... it can be traced to a point where I gave my power away for fear of coming across as rude, crass, mean, or uncaring.  It's weird how in certain situations, no matter what you do, people will think what they will about you.  And I am coming to the point where I do not care- not that I do not care about what anyone thinks, but that I do not care about what certain people think.  I am the one who has to live in my mind.  I am the one who has to sleep at night.  And I do not owe explanations to those who dragged me into the situation to begin with...nor should I feel guilty for doing what I should have done in the first place-take care of myself. 

It may sound as though I am bitter, or blaming.  But I am neither.  If anything, I am grateful to finally put words to this shit! I have struggled with this stuff for a long time.  I can remember scolding myself after that friendship dissolved...'what is the lesson here?' I always had an idea of what my part was, but I could never figure out the lesson in my part.  And I feel as though I finally have- I choose to allow myself to participate in such situations.  That is why it seems as though I always find myself in the middle of them... When describing my current conundrum to a few friends one said 'run straight away from this, you stand to gain nothing and lose a lot', another was angry at the situation and told me to ignore it, but what made the most sense was the friend who reminded me to own my power.

I'm still not sure why other people, perfect strangers sometimes, feel the need to come to me with their shit... but at least I am beginning to get a bit more sure-footed in my response- I can sympathize, even empathize with the situations, but in the end- that is your stuff buddy- and you are going to have to figure out how to deal with it, just like the rest of us are trying to figure our own stuff out.  The biggest gift in this entire situation is that I do have real and genuine friends who love me enough to listen and give me sound advice when I find myself in the midst of yet another 'pickle', and they have the patience to continue loving me while I figure my own stuff out. There is no doubt some of them ask the same question of me as I do myself- Where is my mind? Well, I do not always have the answer for that, but today my mind is right here with me... And I hear you all, I get what you are saying, it's just that, as you all are well aware by now, sometimes it takes a bit for my mind to catch up ;)

Swandive

Feeling the growing pains.  It's not as if the pains are tremendously unbearable, but they are for sure uncomfortable.  I want to stir my pot so that the pains will go away... even though stirring this stew prematurely could most likely result in ruining it... but I am so impatient. I want things to happen now... It's as if I am discontent if things are not proceeding in my life at a break-neck pace.  Someone told me recently that it seems as though I have a hard time just sitting... just being.  Unfortunately, I have to say they are correct. I have no idea how to just relax...

I am up by 6 or 6:30 every morning... I am at my desk by 7, 7:30... and for no reason- the only other person in my office doesn't arrive until at least 10, sometimes 11.  Even on my days off- I have a tough time staying in bed past 7 most days.  I purposely jam 72 things into a day that could comfortably support 50.  I should say that it is not as if I am entirely running from something, I spend a majority of my waking hours by myself, and I am good with that, I am good with me... I'm just a busy body- like if I stop for a moment, I may lose my momentum and really just stop... I know that isn't really true, but it is a part of the story I tell myself, the story I construct to motivate myself. 

A little motivation is good for me, for everyone I think... but, like all things in life- balance is key, and if there is one solitary thing that I suck at in general it is balance... I am beginning to realize that my inherent need to go, go, go is part of the inner workings of my wonderwall.  Even if I say I am ok with me, the rapid pace of flitting from one task to another enables me to continue not being vulnerable... because I never give one person or situation enough time to 'get to me'... at least not in the moment... Oh sure, I am vulnerable in the privacy of my own mind... I allow myself to 'go there' when I am thinking about certain situations, but rarely, if ever do I allow the time in real life interactions for that.

Of course this blog is vulnerability to me- it is a small step- typing these thoughts out so that there is a possibility that others will see it... I know it is no substitute for vulnerability in human interaction, but it is a step, like dangling my toes in the pool to test the water.  And since I started this blog I can say that there have been more moments of vulnerability in my real life (ok, not a lot, but some).  And let me tell you, those few moments where I have allowed myself to be exposed to someone else have been REALLY SCARY.  I have begun to notice how I wonder about other people's intentions... why are they saying this? What is this person's motivation? Where are they coming from? It's a little silly I am sure, for people who may not have this problem... I have lived my life as if it were a game of chess for so long that I do not know what it is like not to play.

I am very afraid that taking this wall down will leave me exposed and defenseless.  But then I think- what could be the worst thing about that- really? I do not have an answer for that... taking the wall down doesn't mean I have to melt into a puddle of uncontrolled emotion- all it means is that I can more fully experience the range of human interaction... and what is so bad about that? Nothing I guess, but I am having issues with letting people in to help and it is very difficult to dismantle this wall alone... The first order of business has got to be allowing myself to recruit a crew to help me... It's not that tough, there are people all around me who love me and want to help me- I know that.  The problem is bridging the gap between their willingness to help and my willingness to accept that help...

I am the girl people call when they need someone to listen.  I am the girl people call when they want to hear some truth.  I am not the girl who calls so others will listen, or asks for help... maybe in a select number of situations...I am not a sealed shut envelope, but for things that are deep, the really tough stuff... I sit and struggle alone.  Not because my friends would not help, but more because I would rather marinate in this stew alone than request any support...and I preach it like I know it to others...reach out, ask for help, let me know what I can do for you... all the while knowing I would not do the same.  And that makes me disingenuous, which is why it is no longer acceptable to talk the talk to others without walking it in my own life. 

I have begun to dip more than my toes into this pool, I would say I have maybe gotten up to mid-calf and even mid-thigh a few times... and the water is SHOCKINGLY cold! But, in those few instances where I did let my guard down- even if ever so briefly- it has turned out far better than I imagined.  I guess I just expected that person to do what I would do when I feel like I am on the verge of falling into the pool completely- RUN! Run fast, the opposite direction, not looking back at all. But they didn't, instead, they embraced it, which gave me the courage to continue.  So thank you for taking my worldview and flipping  it upside down so that I can look at my shit with a new and different perspective...and more importantly, thank you for proving me wrong.

Knowing how thick my own wall is, I would assume it takes a great deal of balls to stand at that keyhole opening and shout truths into me like-  it has never been about me not being able to let people in or let myself out, its that I refuse to be vulnerable... And so here I am, being that girl who is vulnerable- feeling slightly out of my mind to write all this out in such a revealing way and trying desperately to find a reason not to post this... but for once in my life I will take the advice of someone else... the advice I have given to countless others and just lay it out, where I go from here, I have know idea, but I feel as though this is me climbing the ladder to the high dive, knowing that I can no longer dangle my feet safely on the edge of the pool...
" 'cuz they can call me crazy if I fail, all the chance that I need is one-in-a-million, and they can call me brilliant if I succeed, gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound, I'm just going to get my feet wet until I drown" Thanks Ani, you always know how to say just what I am thinking.

Silver Lining

I feel as though I have lived most of my life by the mantra of 'doing the next right thing'.  Whatever that next right thing may be.  This weekend, two friends were robbed at gunpoint and then pistol whipped.  This is as scary as it is close to home on so many levels...

They were walking back to their car- on a street I most often park when I am in that neighborhood, and a man attacked them both.  He pistol whipped them, robbed them, shot his gun in the air, held it to my friend's head and told her she was going to die.  As if all of this isn't tragic enough... like wholly impossible to make sense of... when the man finally let them go (thankfully without killing them) and they ran for help NO ONE was readily willing to step up and help them.  I cannot say whether I am more outraged or saddened or sickened by this.  Finally, they did get help and are now being surrounded by love from friends and family.

The fact that they were mugged in such a violent way has got me wondering... why? What possesses someone to lose all sense of reality and attack people for what probably amounted to a few bucks and a couple of cell phones that were rendered useless hours later.  I personally believe that humans are naturally good and non-violent beings unless otherwise provoked or forced to act out in violence.  I get that the economy is bad, that people are down on their luck, out of work, hungry, angry, depressed and on and on, but what I do not get is when or how that switches to violence...  I work in the prison system, with both violent and non-violent criminals regularly, and yet I still cannot wrap my head around why such violence exists in this world...

The other half of this story is equally disturbing and perplexing to me... WHO IN THE HELL sees two people who are bleeding and obviously shaken and doesn't IMMEDIATELY come to their aid?!!! Is our world so riddled with apathy that people can see someone hurt and not only do nothing, but have the gull to shoo them away? This makes both my stomach and heart ache simultaneously.  While I am happy to see that their requests for help have been overwhelmingly paid attention to within their group of friends from facebook, but at the same time I am saddened that the response is so great over the internet and so completely lacking in the real life moment when they needed help.

It breaks my heart for something so terrible to happen to such awesome people... and while this may be a chance to lose faith in our human race, I say that this is a chance to open our eyes to something wider.  We, each of us in our own lives, need to be making a conscious effort to live present and aware lives... that means, be present when you are walking down the street, be present when you meet someone new... treat all human lives with dignity and respect, you never know the last time someone was paid a complement or received praise.  Be aware of what you say and do and how.  Is someone close to you hurting ? Reach out.  We can only get through this life with the assistance of others, so lets choose our circles wisely....take stock in your groups... how many of them would have dropped everything to help total strangers who are in distress on the street.  And, if your answer is not most or all, I suggest you rethink who you spend your time with.

As for me, I can definitively say that most, if not all of my friends would jump right in and help out whenever, wherever, friend or stranger, and that is something to take into account, I have seen this first hand.  Those people who wouldn't help on Saturday night, they are someone's friends, they need to be shown the proper way to treat other human beings, especially those in distress begging for help.  So, there may be some crappy people out there, but I believe they are the minority for the most part.  It is unfortunate that the two of them had to go through the original trauma, but it is comforting to see so many people pull together for them.  That, in fact reloads my human race faith card... what we can accomplish when we rally together to help as opposed to hate is immeasurable... something none of us should ever forget. I do hope they catch that angry man who did this, but at least they can take some solace from the justice of love and friendship.  Thanks for being such amazing people.