Anyone who knows me knows I have a thing for the dive bar. I live in a city where most of the "it" places are concentrated on one, very short, street. All the cool kids hang out there, on the weekends most of the bars are crowded with 20 somethings, parading around in a hipster haze, drinking over priced PBR, and barely breathing in their skinny jeans. It exhausts me to think about it really... my days of dressing with whatever fashion is in went out the window with the popularity of 32 inch bottom JNCO's, and I refuse to drink something that reminds me of what a skunk smells like. Similarly, while I do own a few pairs of stilts disguised as shoes, I refer to them as my 'dinner shoes' for a reason- they are bearable just long enough to go to dinner, come home, and take them off. So needless to say, while I will still occasionally grab a drink with a friend in one of those "it" places, it is most often at happy hour on a weekday, before all the hip kids come out for the night.
The dive bar is different... each has it's own subculture, they are generally small, neighborhood watering holes, the same people go to the same place, day in and day out. The unspoken rules have been established for years, decades in most cases, and for the most part, everyone follows them. These are not the places you go for a fancy-pants martini or a scotch on the rocks. You won't find a craft beer in sight, and most of them offer only cans of beer for reasons that vary- bottles are more expensive, they can be used as weapons, etc. Anyone who knows me also knows I am a beer snob, life is too short for shitty beer, and if I can't afford a good one, I prefer not to drink at all- same goes for booze... with all that said, you'd wonder why the hell I would venture into these seedy joints, where the premier beer offering is Budweiser, malt liquor is a mainstay, and I am fairly certain they refill their top shelf liquor selections with well.
Truth is, there is SO much to learn about human nature in these places... well, in bars in general... they are great places to people watch... and, since I have already exhausted what the masses do at the hip little joints down town, I find it intriguing to venture out and observe other little veins of the bar culture. It's tough to do, since most of the people I know would rather stay in the comfort of familiarity than venture into the places I'd like to experience. I can't blame them really, none of the places have a 'good reputation', (although, I have determined that much of the bad wrap these places have, helps to keep them small and unadulterated). It's just another piece of what fascinates me about the whole thing. To me, these are the things that male the dive bar so evocative. I guess I should say that I do not go into these places looking to fit in, it is never my intention to stay in any one bar for more than a drink or two. All I need is enough time to sniff out the vibe of the place and then I am happy to saunter out in much the same fashion I sauntered in.
What can you learn in the span of one or two drinks you ask? Well, a lot really, in fact much of what I learn, I learn before I ever walk through the door. Often times when I see a place, I will ask around about it... has anyone ever been there? What's it like? The answers to these simple questions are often quite amusing, especially after I go in and experience the place for myself... many a tall tale have been told about these places "Don't go in there, you will get shot", "You will start a fight as soon as you walk in the door", I could go on, but you get the picture. It's interesting to note that when it comes to small, hole in the wall bars, racism and classism are alive and in full effect. That's a black bar, that's a biker bar, that's a white trash bar... all I could think was, really people?? It's like that? Unfortunately, to some extent, it's true. But ALL of us feed the stereotypes.
So, you can see how getting into these places is a bit of a task. I don't go alone, because I don't go to any bar alone, no matter how trendy or divey it is. And who I go with to these types of places is an important decision, not because it matters so much who I am seen with, but it matters a lot who can go in and be respectful. People are very protective of 'their' bars... especially when said bar is small, with predictable clientele. When I started getting into the whole dive bar thing a few years back, a very wise friend offered some sage advice- I was frustrated that no one would ever go with me and that the main excuse was that I, being a girl, would start a fight just by walking in- my friend said... "First, it is rarely a woman who starts a fight in a bar. Most often it is a man who feels as though his ego has some how been accosted... if you go into a place and recognize that you are on someone else's turf, being polite and respectful, everything will be fine." And ya know what? She was right. So even if I could get an adventuresome friend to agree to go along, it won't work if they are hot tempered or ego driven.
But, every so often, the stars align, I am in the right place at the right time, and I get to check a couple more places off my list... yes, there is a list, it is a mental list, but a list all the same. It is categorized into geographic locations and is amended frequently. The town I grew up in has the most for such a small area- 5 to be exact. Before this weekend, I had two of the five checked off. After this weekend, I am happy to report, that only one remains. Both of the bars I went to this weekend have been labeled 'east end' bars, which means something altogether different where I am from versus where I live now. In the small town I grew up in, the east end is another way to say black... nobody ever explains it that way, it's just assumed; whereas in the city I currently reside, I live on whats referred to as the "east side" which is inferred to be the 'white trash' side of town. You can imagine that these two places have entirely different kinds of dive bars, each with their own nuances, cultures, and clientele.
I hadn't intended to ramble on with such a long background about the list or the ideas behind the list, so I will save the bits about my actual experiences for another post... perhaps later today or tomorrow... but do come back, these are interesting topics if you are at all interested in the way we humans interact; we are certainly one of the most amusing species I can think of, and you never know, maybe one of you will change your mind about what you think of the dive bar... This life is after all, all about experience right? So, why not try to broaden your horizons every once in a while eh?
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
525,600 Minutes Pt II
Taking a retrospective look at the last year seems daunting. It's daunting, but necessary. A year ago today I began a journey I had begun many times before, the difference this time is that instead of taking a step forward and ten back I took a few more steps forward. Up until a year ago, I could have been described as a serial relationshipist. For nearly 15 years, I swung from one long term relationship to the next. 2 years in one, a year or two in another, three here, another year, four, and so on. Most often said relationships were ended by me, and every time a relationship came to a close I would vow to take some time to really look at myself, figure out who I was, get grounded, blah, blah, blah. And every time that proved to be a false statement... within a week or a month I would be well into my next deal. Each partner was different... VERY different. Polar opposites really. One was too controlling, the next was too smothering, then too detached... BUT, let me just mention from the start... they were all great in one way or another, they each taught me something about myself, each of them handed me a piece to my puzzle, even if I could not see it at the time. This is not a post about my ex lovers, but I think it important to mention credit where credit is due.
After a year alone I have come to realize some important things. They aren't universal truths by any means- but they are truths for me. Truths that have been here all along, it is only now that I am starting to recognize them. First, when a relationship ends, it is necessary to put some serious time in with oneself... something I NEVER did before, no matter how long or brief the period in between partners. I spent all free moments outwardly focused so that I would not have to evaluate what was going on inside me. And even when I was in a deal, I did everything I could to busy myself with others so as not to upset the delicate balance of unrest in my head... I would throw myself into my partner's interests or concern myself with the lives of friends or family, or work, or school. This resulted, shockingly, in failed relationship after failed relationship, and a whole lot of confusion in my own mind.
So, when this last relationship came to it's end, I swore to myself and to those close to me that this time it would indeed be different, that I was committed to myself and would start to cultivate a personal relationship with myself- it's sounds stupid and new-agey even as I type it, but it's true, and that is exactly what I have done in the last 12 months. I have thought and wrote, talked and listened, cried and laughed, taken 2 and 3 steps forward, and then one or two back. I have looked so hard at myself my vision blurred, I have concentrated so hard on the lessons in front of me I nearly missed them. I have made mistakes, won victories, gotten sick, gotten well, been better and been worse. I started becoming vulnerable, for the first time in my adult life. And slowly, like maybe in the last month or so, the fog surrounding the enigma that was me has begun to lift... I am starting to actually see me, and see the way I look at and interact with me.
About a month ago, I was chatting with a friend and her mom about health and what that means, specifically about loosing weight... something I have done more times than I care to inventory. My friends reasoning for loosing weight was to get healthy, her mother agreed. I said that I wanted to loose weight so that I would not hate what I saw every time I looked in the mirror- seemed a reasonable enough answer to me, but apparently not. At once, both mother and daughter snapped there heads around to look at me, as if I surely must've been joking... and I still didn't get it. "What?" I asked. "Surely you don't hate what you see every time you look in a mirror!" The mother gasped. "Well yeah, I do." I said, beginning to feel as if I may have given an un-fit answer, but still super puzzled. I thought everyone attached their self worth to what they saw in the mirror...
And so, I took the whole conversation home with me that night, and I let it all sink it. In the morning I awoke with a strange epiphany-like feeling... "I hate myself?!" I thought. "Wow, I do. I hate myself. Holy fucking shit. I hate myself!!!!" It seems a bit emo to be so excited over discovering one's own self hatred, I know... but this was big. I had never really and truly grasped that concept, or what it meant in the context of my life... the self hatred was the result of a lifetime of pre-programming and brain washing. Subliminally, I had soaked in all of those ridiculous messages the media throws out for us to catch... The perfect woman looks this way, acts this way, and on and on. It's freaky that all of this propaganda got to me on such a deep level I wasn't even aware, I had essentially bought into the hype without ever having made a conscious decision to do so...And let me add that this is not some "Woe is me, I hate my life" sort of thing. No, this runs much deeper, so deep that I did not even know it was there until I began clearing the mental clutter I had collected to hide from myself. And further, while on the surface, to me this issue appeared to be about outward appearance, a closer look has revealed that it has nothing to do with the way I look on the outside, if I do not get right with the way I feel inwardly, than my appearance to myself will always be distorted.
But now, things are making so much more sense... now I am beginning to recognize what was going on all those years... I used relationships as a way to validate who I am as a woman, who I am as a person... I used the relationships to feel needed, wanted, appreciated, and loved. Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places! And all the while I knew something wasn't right... I never felt particularly fulfilled, in fact- most often I felt like a foreigner in my own skin... because I was seeking all the right things in all the wrong places. I knew I needed to develop a relationship with myself, but never knew how or why really. And this isn't a bad thing... there is no one to blame, I am not furious with the media or any thing. I am really just happy to have finally cracked open this window. It is time to air out the back logs of my brain!
Over the last year I have many times felt as though I was on the edge of a big break through, I have written about it many times, but I was never clear on what the break through was or where it would come from... now all the puzzle pieces I have been collecting are beginning to snap together. In the spring, I made the realization that tough bitch had to go, and began making an effort to soften my outer shell. Not long after that, I discovered my wonderwall and had to begin dealing with the dismantle of my own Fort Knox like defenses- these were hard tasks, hell they still are, everyday; and now I am starting to see how all of these things are interconnected to this self hate thing... All the defenses, all of my personas, my whole being, had been carefully crafted by me to protect me from me... crazy huh? Seems as though now that all of that heavy lifting is out of the way, I could perhaps call it done. Lesson learned, moving on.
Not so fast... I am to the point now, that I am beginning to see the relationship between all of these pieces... the awarenesses I have been making are now layering together to reveal something bigger, so no, I am not finished. In fact, as trite as it is to say, I have only just begun. I am now tasked with dismantling the belief system I have created and reorganizing how I think of myself... In order to really make a lasting change in my life I will have to start looking at how I talk to myself, how I treat myself, and how I conduct myself with others. I now get that I have a frightening lack of self esteem... all of those defenses were built to mask that, both from the world and from myself. It's a little scary how much the human psyche resembles an onion... layer built upon layer, built upon layer, and they all have to be tended to if I am truly to flip the script in my life.
So, here I am. A year later, a little more aware, a little more awake, and A LOT more eager to continue on. This solo thing is the toughest thing I have done so far in life, but it is also the most rewarding... knowing is half the battle, and now I know so much more than I did. There's much work yet to be done, but I can honestly say, 365 days later, I am happy with my progress, I am proud of myself, and I am grateful for all of the growth opportunities that I have had in the last year. It's funny how long I waited to understand this lesson, how hard I have struggled to see the obvious, and how empowering it is to FINALLY GET IT. This may take a while, this whole learning to love me thing, but I can already tell how worth it it will be in the end... the only partner I need, and the only one I can truly rely on, is the partnership with myself. And me and myself, we are finished playing against each other, we have joined the same team and have already begun training together. It's won't be long, we will be dominating the court of our life :)
After a year alone I have come to realize some important things. They aren't universal truths by any means- but they are truths for me. Truths that have been here all along, it is only now that I am starting to recognize them. First, when a relationship ends, it is necessary to put some serious time in with oneself... something I NEVER did before, no matter how long or brief the period in between partners. I spent all free moments outwardly focused so that I would not have to evaluate what was going on inside me. And even when I was in a deal, I did everything I could to busy myself with others so as not to upset the delicate balance of unrest in my head... I would throw myself into my partner's interests or concern myself with the lives of friends or family, or work, or school. This resulted, shockingly, in failed relationship after failed relationship, and a whole lot of confusion in my own mind.
So, when this last relationship came to it's end, I swore to myself and to those close to me that this time it would indeed be different, that I was committed to myself and would start to cultivate a personal relationship with myself- it's sounds stupid and new-agey even as I type it, but it's true, and that is exactly what I have done in the last 12 months. I have thought and wrote, talked and listened, cried and laughed, taken 2 and 3 steps forward, and then one or two back. I have looked so hard at myself my vision blurred, I have concentrated so hard on the lessons in front of me I nearly missed them. I have made mistakes, won victories, gotten sick, gotten well, been better and been worse. I started becoming vulnerable, for the first time in my adult life. And slowly, like maybe in the last month or so, the fog surrounding the enigma that was me has begun to lift... I am starting to actually see me, and see the way I look at and interact with me.
About a month ago, I was chatting with a friend and her mom about health and what that means, specifically about loosing weight... something I have done more times than I care to inventory. My friends reasoning for loosing weight was to get healthy, her mother agreed. I said that I wanted to loose weight so that I would not hate what I saw every time I looked in the mirror- seemed a reasonable enough answer to me, but apparently not. At once, both mother and daughter snapped there heads around to look at me, as if I surely must've been joking... and I still didn't get it. "What?" I asked. "Surely you don't hate what you see every time you look in a mirror!" The mother gasped. "Well yeah, I do." I said, beginning to feel as if I may have given an un-fit answer, but still super puzzled. I thought everyone attached their self worth to what they saw in the mirror...
And so, I took the whole conversation home with me that night, and I let it all sink it. In the morning I awoke with a strange epiphany-like feeling... "I hate myself?!" I thought. "Wow, I do. I hate myself. Holy fucking shit. I hate myself!!!!" It seems a bit emo to be so excited over discovering one's own self hatred, I know... but this was big. I had never really and truly grasped that concept, or what it meant in the context of my life... the self hatred was the result of a lifetime of pre-programming and brain washing. Subliminally, I had soaked in all of those ridiculous messages the media throws out for us to catch... The perfect woman looks this way, acts this way, and on and on. It's freaky that all of this propaganda got to me on such a deep level I wasn't even aware, I had essentially bought into the hype without ever having made a conscious decision to do so...And let me add that this is not some "Woe is me, I hate my life" sort of thing. No, this runs much deeper, so deep that I did not even know it was there until I began clearing the mental clutter I had collected to hide from myself. And further, while on the surface, to me this issue appeared to be about outward appearance, a closer look has revealed that it has nothing to do with the way I look on the outside, if I do not get right with the way I feel inwardly, than my appearance to myself will always be distorted.
But now, things are making so much more sense... now I am beginning to recognize what was going on all those years... I used relationships as a way to validate who I am as a woman, who I am as a person... I used the relationships to feel needed, wanted, appreciated, and loved. Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places! And all the while I knew something wasn't right... I never felt particularly fulfilled, in fact- most often I felt like a foreigner in my own skin... because I was seeking all the right things in all the wrong places. I knew I needed to develop a relationship with myself, but never knew how or why really. And this isn't a bad thing... there is no one to blame, I am not furious with the media or any thing. I am really just happy to have finally cracked open this window. It is time to air out the back logs of my brain!
Over the last year I have many times felt as though I was on the edge of a big break through, I have written about it many times, but I was never clear on what the break through was or where it would come from... now all the puzzle pieces I have been collecting are beginning to snap together. In the spring, I made the realization that tough bitch had to go, and began making an effort to soften my outer shell. Not long after that, I discovered my wonderwall and had to begin dealing with the dismantle of my own Fort Knox like defenses- these were hard tasks, hell they still are, everyday; and now I am starting to see how all of these things are interconnected to this self hate thing... All the defenses, all of my personas, my whole being, had been carefully crafted by me to protect me from me... crazy huh? Seems as though now that all of that heavy lifting is out of the way, I could perhaps call it done. Lesson learned, moving on.
Not so fast... I am to the point now, that I am beginning to see the relationship between all of these pieces... the awarenesses I have been making are now layering together to reveal something bigger, so no, I am not finished. In fact, as trite as it is to say, I have only just begun. I am now tasked with dismantling the belief system I have created and reorganizing how I think of myself... In order to really make a lasting change in my life I will have to start looking at how I talk to myself, how I treat myself, and how I conduct myself with others. I now get that I have a frightening lack of self esteem... all of those defenses were built to mask that, both from the world and from myself. It's a little scary how much the human psyche resembles an onion... layer built upon layer, built upon layer, and they all have to be tended to if I am truly to flip the script in my life.
So, here I am. A year later, a little more aware, a little more awake, and A LOT more eager to continue on. This solo thing is the toughest thing I have done so far in life, but it is also the most rewarding... knowing is half the battle, and now I know so much more than I did. There's much work yet to be done, but I can honestly say, 365 days later, I am happy with my progress, I am proud of myself, and I am grateful for all of the growth opportunities that I have had in the last year. It's funny how long I waited to understand this lesson, how hard I have struggled to see the obvious, and how empowering it is to FINALLY GET IT. This may take a while, this whole learning to love me thing, but I can already tell how worth it it will be in the end... the only partner I need, and the only one I can truly rely on, is the partnership with myself. And me and myself, we are finished playing against each other, we have joined the same team and have already begun training together. It's won't be long, we will be dominating the court of our life :)
Monday, October 24, 2011
525,600 Minutes Pt. I
Things have been super crazy hectic lately, but they are starting to slow down a bit... I have been thinking quite a bit- I know what your thinking, does this chick ever DO anything?! All she does is hammer on about thinking! And, for the most part, it's true- I do spend a lot of time swimming around in my own mind... but I do think it leads to productivity... at least some of the time. It just seems as though right when I am ready to sit back and rest on my laurels something comes up that requires me to perk back up and pay attention.
Things topping the contemplation list of late- being a big girl and the struggle involved in standing on my own two feets. Taking responsibility for me and my actions, learning that humble pie is not one of my favorite meals, but is sometimes a requirement that comes with being a big girl, and- perhaps most importantly, having gratitude for all of the above.
Last week I was very blessed to take a trip to Sin City with some of the BESTEST friends a girl could ask for, it was fun, but seriously mentally exhausting! Getting to hang out with friends and do fun things was no doubt awesome, but as I suspected, that place is like a visual and auditory energy sucking vampire for those of us who get our recharge from that quiet place within ourselves! Now, don't get me wrong- there are many, many, beautiful things there, and it is for sure one of THE BEST places in the world to observe that infinite possibilities of human behavior. I could have have easily spent the entire trip posted up on the strip or in a casino just watching people... but needless to say- I was more than happy to get home to my bed and the sweet, sweet, sound of silence!
Anyhow, the trip and the whirlwind of weeks leading up to it led me to this contemplative state... a week from today will be perhaps the most important anniversary I have celebrated thus far in life. The 31st will mark a full year of being single. Some might moan and say how sad it is to be single, others might think it no big thing to be single at all. But for me, this is a milestone. A year of hard work. A year of not settling out of fear. A year of stepping forward, and backward and forward again. A year of loneliness and despair. A year of triumph and joy a year of getting to know the most important person in my life... a person I had long ago written off. A year with me, just me.
I have learned a lot in the last year, there have been as many Ah-ha moments as there have been damn it moments, but they have all been powerful in their own awesome or painful ways, and in the last few weeks many of those moments have begun to crystallize into cohesive lessons for me. I plan on committing some of those moments and lessons to text in the coming days, but for tonight I think I will go to bed, alone and happy... thanks to all of you who have helped to reel me back into reality over the last year, those of you who listened, offered advice, let me cry, and all of you who in general helped to foster and facilitate my growth, this leg of the journey is far from over, of that I am well aware, but I think the up-coming mile marker is worth at least a post or two in reflection and certainly worth a more than a fleeting mention of gratitude. Love to all of you, and as I am still learning- love to myself.
Things topping the contemplation list of late- being a big girl and the struggle involved in standing on my own two feets. Taking responsibility for me and my actions, learning that humble pie is not one of my favorite meals, but is sometimes a requirement that comes with being a big girl, and- perhaps most importantly, having gratitude for all of the above.
Last week I was very blessed to take a trip to Sin City with some of the BESTEST friends a girl could ask for, it was fun, but seriously mentally exhausting! Getting to hang out with friends and do fun things was no doubt awesome, but as I suspected, that place is like a visual and auditory energy sucking vampire for those of us who get our recharge from that quiet place within ourselves! Now, don't get me wrong- there are many, many, beautiful things there, and it is for sure one of THE BEST places in the world to observe that infinite possibilities of human behavior. I could have have easily spent the entire trip posted up on the strip or in a casino just watching people... but needless to say- I was more than happy to get home to my bed and the sweet, sweet, sound of silence!
Anyhow, the trip and the whirlwind of weeks leading up to it led me to this contemplative state... a week from today will be perhaps the most important anniversary I have celebrated thus far in life. The 31st will mark a full year of being single. Some might moan and say how sad it is to be single, others might think it no big thing to be single at all. But for me, this is a milestone. A year of hard work. A year of not settling out of fear. A year of stepping forward, and backward and forward again. A year of loneliness and despair. A year of triumph and joy a year of getting to know the most important person in my life... a person I had long ago written off. A year with me, just me.
I have learned a lot in the last year, there have been as many Ah-ha moments as there have been damn it moments, but they have all been powerful in their own awesome or painful ways, and in the last few weeks many of those moments have begun to crystallize into cohesive lessons for me. I plan on committing some of those moments and lessons to text in the coming days, but for tonight I think I will go to bed, alone and happy... thanks to all of you who have helped to reel me back into reality over the last year, those of you who listened, offered advice, let me cry, and all of you who in general helped to foster and facilitate my growth, this leg of the journey is far from over, of that I am well aware, but I think the up-coming mile marker is worth at least a post or two in reflection and certainly worth a more than a fleeting mention of gratitude. Love to all of you, and as I am still learning- love to myself.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Coming Soon: The Crazy Cafe
For some time now, I have been thinking about diving into a second blog. Not that I am abandoning this one, this will still be the space where I babble on about my wonders of human happenings. But I have been thinking about starting a food blog... I know, how many food blogs are out there right? I am pretty sure the number hovers around eleventy billion... and I would never profess to have a newfangled idea... I am not looking to change the face of food blogging or make crazy waves. I just thought it would be nice to have a space to keep record both of what I cook and eat.
I will admit to not being the savviest blogger... this is part of the reason I have pussy-footed around launching a new blog. I don't know how to put fancy piktars up or to use links or any of that technological stuff that remains an enigma to me. I am NOT my father's daughter when it comes to technology... my dad is a technological geek--and don't get me wrong--I LOVE him for that (that, and a trillion other things of course), but- having that sort of assistance at my finger tips has made me a bit of a nit wit when it comes to all things technology related. Hell, I quit taking pictures on my camera when I realized they wouldn't just beam to my computer. I didn't even begin really using email until a few years ago... I have crashed EVERY computer I have ever owned. At almost every place I have been employed I am eventually banned from using the copier. I cannot make the DVD player work without assistance from my young and savvy roomie. Alright, I think you get the picture.
SO anyway... I have been a little gun shy about the food blog, but I think it is time. I would say cooking is one of two mediums I have for expressing myself (the second being writing, hence the willy nilly blogging:), and I suppose it is time to give the other medium it's due. So, it will for sure be a work in progress, but I hope to have it launched in the next few weeks... the basic idea is that I will post about things I am cooking as well as reviewing any cool places I eat... I am hoping that by posting what I am cooking it will help me to become a more disciplined cook... BAHAHA! Who am I kidding? Let's just see if I can launch the damned thing first, then I can make lofty goals and promises that I may or may not fulfill!
I will admit to not being the savviest blogger... this is part of the reason I have pussy-footed around launching a new blog. I don't know how to put fancy piktars up or to use links or any of that technological stuff that remains an enigma to me. I am NOT my father's daughter when it comes to technology... my dad is a technological geek--and don't get me wrong--I LOVE him for that (that, and a trillion other things of course), but- having that sort of assistance at my finger tips has made me a bit of a nit wit when it comes to all things technology related. Hell, I quit taking pictures on my camera when I realized they wouldn't just beam to my computer. I didn't even begin really using email until a few years ago... I have crashed EVERY computer I have ever owned. At almost every place I have been employed I am eventually banned from using the copier. I cannot make the DVD player work without assistance from my young and savvy roomie. Alright, I think you get the picture.
SO anyway... I have been a little gun shy about the food blog, but I think it is time. I would say cooking is one of two mediums I have for expressing myself (the second being writing, hence the willy nilly blogging:), and I suppose it is time to give the other medium it's due. So, it will for sure be a work in progress, but I hope to have it launched in the next few weeks... the basic idea is that I will post about things I am cooking as well as reviewing any cool places I eat... I am hoping that by posting what I am cooking it will help me to become a more disciplined cook... BAHAHA! Who am I kidding? Let's just see if I can launch the damned thing first, then I can make lofty goals and promises that I may or may not fulfill!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Mr. Jones and Me
A couple weeks ago I had a talk with each of my parents individually. I don't remember how each conversation started, but they were both about the same sort of things. Both my dad and my mom said they just really wanted me to be happy. They both want me to find my place. I agreed with them- not that I am unhappy so to speak... but I would say that I am discontent and that I have been feeling unfulfilled. It was really nice to have the chance to speak freely with them. I love my parents, I think that has been pretty obvious throughout this blog. My parents are definitely amazing people, I respect their opinions, I look up to them, I am proud to have them as my parents, and I want little else in life than to be the woman they can be proud to call their daughter. (You can call me sappy and lame, that's alright. It is the truth.)
I mentioned feeling a little like a failure to them both. Many people my age are now settled into careers, marriages, and many have children. I, on the other hand, have come through the last decade with very little to show for it. I have some of the 'things' on the proverbial check off list- I have a job, two in fact. I have a house. I work, I support myself... blah blah blah. I like my jobs alright... although they are like any other I have had... I have been at these two particular jobs for a little over a year and I am beginning to feel stagnant. There are no opportunities to move up at either and they are just beginning to feel stale. My house is kind of the same way- it is a fine enough house, but I am ready to go somewhere else, do something else. I am about to finish out my first year of being single in my adult life, and that too is beginning to get old. I am ready for a change- all the way around.
Of course, my parents are my BIGGEST cheerleaders. They re-frame the way I look at my 'achievements' and try desperately to help me figure out how to find fulfillment in what I have. They are concrete and solution oriented... something I WISH I could be right now... something I think they wish I could be at times as well... My mom said "You have always been the one to do things your own way, [the hard way]- but you have always figured it out, and you will figure this out too." God love the woman! There was a time when they were both so frustrated with the way I bang my head against the wall until I figure things out- they both tried desperately to teach me another way throughout my adolescence, but to no avail. The patience these two people have had with me my entire life is truly immeasurable-miles and miles more patience than I have ever had with myself- and I love them to bits for it.
I shared with my mom that it seems as though I have been stuck in this rut of fear for a while now- probably since I dropped out of grad school. I know that dropping out was the best decision for me at the time, and I do not regret it for even a moment, but it has set off this unsureness in me. It's like I have an idea of what I want my next move to be, but somewhere along the way I lost the ability to be sure of myself... I swim around with all of these fears and projections in my head about what could happen if I make a decision... It is not that I think I cannot do option A or option B, because if there is only one thing I know about myself it is that I can and will do whatever it is I set my mind to. It is more abstract than that- like what if I pursue this one thing that I think will make me happy, what if I make it happen, pour my heart into it and then come to find out it is not what I wanted either?! I know how ridiculous that must sound to some people- but it is a real and paralyzing fear to me.
Then I start really thinking. Wait a second dumbass- I am pretty sure that this true happiness and fulfillment you blabber on about constantly comes from WITHIN you- and once you have that, there will be a natural sense of contentment, and you will be happy with whatever you are doing where ever you are doing it. I have written extensively on the importance of doing the work on myself, but I am not sure it set in until I read the quote above... it's the work of BEING myself. It's giving up on this perfect image of what I think my life should be, because that image is what is holding me back from what my life is- something to enjoy and embrace. My mother reminded me that there are no mistakes, only experiences to carry forward. I know there are others out there who struggle with the same stuff... maybe not all of them stammer on about it in a blog, but I think we all go through the types of things that I share on here... which is why I am not embarrassed. I cannot apologize for my humanness. But I can embrace this life and share it.
I had a visit from an old friend this weekend and she flipped the ole 'life is short' cliche for me- "Life is long." She said, very matter-of-factly. And I must admit, I agree. Life is long; therefore we mustn't cheapen that experience by sprinting through it, we will wear ourselves out far before the 'finish line'. Equally notable, we cannot trudge along at a snail's pace so as not to disturb that image of perfection. Instead, take the time to drink in every drop AND enjoy every interaction... I have to remind myself of that constantly...I am where I need to be, and I will end up right where I am supposed to... I am not now and never will be a 'Jones', so why drive myself insane with the apples to oranges comparisons?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Polarized
Last night I caught a glimpse of one of those entertainment shows. They were talking about Chaz Bono being on Dancing with the Stars. I could really care less about the show, but was happy to hear that he was on- that it was good step forward for someone who is openly transgendered to be on a prime time show. The clip they ran was of a woman saying she thought it was wrong, and that it would send a confusing message to children.... and I have to admit, my blood started simmering a little-
What's more confusing lady?!!! Ignoring people who are different than you and trying to 'shelter' your children from, oh- what do you call it? Oh yeah, that's right, THE WORLD! Or explaining something to your child? I am so sick of people hiding their ignorance under the guise of protecting a child. STOP IT. You lady, you are a part of perpetuating hate and misunderstanding. By you not dealing with whatever issues you have, you are handing down this sense of intolerance to yet another generation. It's funny, because these are the same people telling their children that they are special and unique individuals who can do anything in the world, so long as that anything doesn't involve anything "too different", Oi vey.
Perhaps this is why Planned Parenthood funding is in trouble as well- those evil bastards... spreading the free love and safe sex message. Don't you know sex is never safe?! Unless, of course it is in the confines of the sanctity of marriage- between one man and one woman... and the man's gay lover that he has on the side because he has been conditioned to hide his homosexuality as it is a sin and he would most certainly go straight to hell if anyone ever knew about it, which is why he married a woman and had 3.2 children in the first place- to try to cure himself, being gay is wrong, or at least that is what his mommy and daddy pounded into his head as often as possible throughout his childhood. Oh, and don't forget about the woman's lover that she was forced to seek out after a decade in loveless marriage which she committed to so that she could keep up with the Jones's.
So, I stewed on this most of the night, and I woke up this morning trying my very best not to be angry. Then I got in the car to come to work. As I am tooling down the road, listening to NPR, a story comes on about the views of some of the GOP candidates for presidency. I am half listening when they begin to talk about Michelle Bachman's 'jokes' that God is sending Washington a message with the recent hurricane and earthquake in DC. They then go on to play clips of other GOP candidates dismissing that we humans have anything to do with global warming, and further, that perhaps we should not be spending so much money on scientific research for a 'theory' that has not been proven! Bloody hell, you have got to be fucking kidding me!
Firstly, isn't that what research is about? Proving a theory? And secondly, how fucking much evidence does one need to believe it?! Then I start thinking about all the funding that is in danger of being cut- PBS for one. Right, why should we fund something so frivolous as educational programming?! Especially when they have such silly shows as Nova- a show about science- which means it is obviously about unfounded theory and unneeded research. Yes, yes, let us keep the masses sleepy and pacified with their cable T.V. and interwebs...
The scariest part of all this, to me, is that some people will hear these things... and BELIEVE them, and worse yet, they will vote for them. I do not generally speak on politics, but for some reason I cannot get this crap out of my head. What am I going to do about it? Well, I don't know yet- all I know is that silently disagreeing may as well be agreeing. I am not ok with yet another generation swallowing the shit they have been trying to feed us for years. Obama is not the problem with our country or economy. Neither can we blame Bush. It is not the Repulicrats or the Democrins. The problem is US!!! The citizens, we are the reason we are where we are right now. The only freeing thing about that assertion is that- we then, are the only solution as well. If only we could get people weened off the teat of power and corruption and start them on a regiment of education and open mindedness...
What's more confusing lady?!!! Ignoring people who are different than you and trying to 'shelter' your children from, oh- what do you call it? Oh yeah, that's right, THE WORLD! Or explaining something to your child? I am so sick of people hiding their ignorance under the guise of protecting a child. STOP IT. You lady, you are a part of perpetuating hate and misunderstanding. By you not dealing with whatever issues you have, you are handing down this sense of intolerance to yet another generation. It's funny, because these are the same people telling their children that they are special and unique individuals who can do anything in the world, so long as that anything doesn't involve anything "too different", Oi vey.
Perhaps this is why Planned Parenthood funding is in trouble as well- those evil bastards... spreading the free love and safe sex message. Don't you know sex is never safe?! Unless, of course it is in the confines of the sanctity of marriage- between one man and one woman... and the man's gay lover that he has on the side because he has been conditioned to hide his homosexuality as it is a sin and he would most certainly go straight to hell if anyone ever knew about it, which is why he married a woman and had 3.2 children in the first place- to try to cure himself, being gay is wrong, or at least that is what his mommy and daddy pounded into his head as often as possible throughout his childhood. Oh, and don't forget about the woman's lover that she was forced to seek out after a decade in loveless marriage which she committed to so that she could keep up with the Jones's.
So, I stewed on this most of the night, and I woke up this morning trying my very best not to be angry. Then I got in the car to come to work. As I am tooling down the road, listening to NPR, a story comes on about the views of some of the GOP candidates for presidency. I am half listening when they begin to talk about Michelle Bachman's 'jokes' that God is sending Washington a message with the recent hurricane and earthquake in DC. They then go on to play clips of other GOP candidates dismissing that we humans have anything to do with global warming, and further, that perhaps we should not be spending so much money on scientific research for a 'theory' that has not been proven! Bloody hell, you have got to be fucking kidding me!
Firstly, isn't that what research is about? Proving a theory? And secondly, how fucking much evidence does one need to believe it?! Then I start thinking about all the funding that is in danger of being cut- PBS for one. Right, why should we fund something so frivolous as educational programming?! Especially when they have such silly shows as Nova- a show about science- which means it is obviously about unfounded theory and unneeded research. Yes, yes, let us keep the masses sleepy and pacified with their cable T.V. and interwebs...
The scariest part of all this, to me, is that some people will hear these things... and BELIEVE them, and worse yet, they will vote for them. I do not generally speak on politics, but for some reason I cannot get this crap out of my head. What am I going to do about it? Well, I don't know yet- all I know is that silently disagreeing may as well be agreeing. I am not ok with yet another generation swallowing the shit they have been trying to feed us for years. Obama is not the problem with our country or economy. Neither can we blame Bush. It is not the Repulicrats or the Democrins. The problem is US!!! The citizens, we are the reason we are where we are right now. The only freeing thing about that assertion is that- we then, are the only solution as well. If only we could get people weened off the teat of power and corruption and start them on a regiment of education and open mindedness...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
All Aboard the Hamster Wheel...
Finally, the inspiration to post struck me today! There has been a great many changes and shifts going on in the last few weeks and I guess I haven't had a whole lot of words to put with them until now.
First, I will say that a very wise person offered some incite into how I have been processing things and it created a shift in my thinking. I have mentioned before that I categorized people in one of two areas- thinkers and feelers; it has been my opinion that thinkers process information in a very pragmatic 'this is the way it is' way and feelers take a more emotional approach. Upon further examination, I am realizing the error in this approach. I was attaching incorrect meaning to words (as most of the world does). Emotions are sensory and uncontrollable, and there are only a few to pick from- elation, rage, and deep sadness. These emotion come over you like a wave and are as fleeting in their departure as they were in arrival. That being said, most of what I have attached the 'feeling' word to is actually a thought, as we are all thinkers and feelers to varying degrees. What I was calling feeling behavior is more aptly described as introspection, thinking about things deeply and intricately, almost like getting on one of those hamster wheels and running non-stop in your mind's eye.
What the hell does this matter you may be wondering? Well, at least for me, this has added a new lens of clarity as to how I operate. And, I am learning to look at this introspection as a gift rather than a curse, although I will admit that it is tough to do some days. Some days I would like to turn off the old thinking cap and look at my world in black and white... except I know this is not possible, so the only choice I have is to embrace it. And, since I started this blog pledging honesty, it is necessary to admit when I am wrong... that is, after all, the only way to learn, right?
Going back to the conversation I had with the wise person- a few other a-ha moments came from it. It was (again) pointed out to me that I walk around with a really hard shell surrounding me... and she went so far as to guess when and how the shell originated. Much to my surprise (and dismay) she was right. To be fair, I have been told dozens of times from different sources that I am intimidating- and to an extent, I was aware of this (Re:Tough Bitch). However, I had NO IDEA how long I had been carrying around this persona, not to mention what triggered it initially. I'll save you the lame story, but needless to say, this goes back for decades! This is incredibly frustrating to me... I pride myself on life happening for me as opposed to it happening to me, and if there is one thing I cannot stand it's the victim mentality. And yet, here I am, staring 30 down, operating on that very paradigm I cannot stand.
I was told that until I get rid of my anger, I will never get to where I want to go (or to anywhere near my potential). That, my friends is scary. It is scary to know that while I have a mask for every person and situation (I am not unique, we all do this to some extent), I also have one for myself looking in the mirror. This is getting sticky now. How do I peel that mask off? How do I extract the defense mechanism I have used against me for me for decades, and for most of the time without even knowing it? All I can say as of now is that there ain't no going back folks. I try so hard to be genuine (at least with those who matter to me) and I am now realizing that I have not been genuine with myself, let alone others. That doesn't mean everything about me or all the interactions I have had with people have been disingenuous, it more means that I can always dig deeper. I can always peel off another layer of the proverbial onion. And I am glad for that opportunity, because while it has never been my aim for everyone to like me or to view the world as all puppies and rainbows, it has also never been my intent to make people uncomfortable or for them to feel threatened because I am intimidating due to not dealing with my own stuff.
I think we can all agree I take the long way most often, but that's alright. I may not get it right away, (whatever it is), but you can trust and believe that I WILL get it eventually. And if there is one strength that could at times be my greatest weakness, it is determination, I will continue to attempt to get it until I finally do. Until that day, I am going to jump off the hamster wheel more often, and laugh at myself as much as possible! Life cannot be taken seriously all the time- that is boring and, more importantly, it is exhausting! If you haven't lately, step outside of yourself for a moment, observe yourself and the way your are with other people, take note and then have a great, big, deep, belly laugh at your own expense! It's refreshing, trust me :)
First, I will say that a very wise person offered some incite into how I have been processing things and it created a shift in my thinking. I have mentioned before that I categorized people in one of two areas- thinkers and feelers; it has been my opinion that thinkers process information in a very pragmatic 'this is the way it is' way and feelers take a more emotional approach. Upon further examination, I am realizing the error in this approach. I was attaching incorrect meaning to words (as most of the world does). Emotions are sensory and uncontrollable, and there are only a few to pick from- elation, rage, and deep sadness. These emotion come over you like a wave and are as fleeting in their departure as they were in arrival. That being said, most of what I have attached the 'feeling' word to is actually a thought, as we are all thinkers and feelers to varying degrees. What I was calling feeling behavior is more aptly described as introspection, thinking about things deeply and intricately, almost like getting on one of those hamster wheels and running non-stop in your mind's eye.
What the hell does this matter you may be wondering? Well, at least for me, this has added a new lens of clarity as to how I operate. And, I am learning to look at this introspection as a gift rather than a curse, although I will admit that it is tough to do some days. Some days I would like to turn off the old thinking cap and look at my world in black and white... except I know this is not possible, so the only choice I have is to embrace it. And, since I started this blog pledging honesty, it is necessary to admit when I am wrong... that is, after all, the only way to learn, right?
Going back to the conversation I had with the wise person- a few other a-ha moments came from it. It was (again) pointed out to me that I walk around with a really hard shell surrounding me... and she went so far as to guess when and how the shell originated. Much to my surprise (and dismay) she was right. To be fair, I have been told dozens of times from different sources that I am intimidating- and to an extent, I was aware of this (Re:Tough Bitch). However, I had NO IDEA how long I had been carrying around this persona, not to mention what triggered it initially. I'll save you the lame story, but needless to say, this goes back for decades! This is incredibly frustrating to me... I pride myself on life happening for me as opposed to it happening to me, and if there is one thing I cannot stand it's the victim mentality. And yet, here I am, staring 30 down, operating on that very paradigm I cannot stand.
I was told that until I get rid of my anger, I will never get to where I want to go (or to anywhere near my potential). That, my friends is scary. It is scary to know that while I have a mask for every person and situation (I am not unique, we all do this to some extent), I also have one for myself looking in the mirror. This is getting sticky now. How do I peel that mask off? How do I extract the defense mechanism I have used against me for me for decades, and for most of the time without even knowing it? All I can say as of now is that there ain't no going back folks. I try so hard to be genuine (at least with those who matter to me) and I am now realizing that I have not been genuine with myself, let alone others. That doesn't mean everything about me or all the interactions I have had with people have been disingenuous, it more means that I can always dig deeper. I can always peel off another layer of the proverbial onion. And I am glad for that opportunity, because while it has never been my aim for everyone to like me or to view the world as all puppies and rainbows, it has also never been my intent to make people uncomfortable or for them to feel threatened because I am intimidating due to not dealing with my own stuff.
I think we can all agree I take the long way most often, but that's alright. I may not get it right away, (whatever it is), but you can trust and believe that I WILL get it eventually. And if there is one strength that could at times be my greatest weakness, it is determination, I will continue to attempt to get it until I finally do. Until that day, I am going to jump off the hamster wheel more often, and laugh at myself as much as possible! Life cannot be taken seriously all the time- that is boring and, more importantly, it is exhausting! If you haven't lately, step outside of yourself for a moment, observe yourself and the way your are with other people, take note and then have a great, big, deep, belly laugh at your own expense! It's refreshing, trust me :)
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