It has always been my belief that we as humans crave connection. The connection between a parent and a child. The connection between friends. The connection between lovers, coworkers, siblings, even strangers. The dynamic of each of these connections has always been fascinating to me...I really enjoy both participating and witnessing the human experience... what is further fascinating to me are the connections that sometimes pop up between connections, and sometimes, the disconnect that can come into focus when other connections come into play.
As I related in my last post, I have recently been experiencing a new connection... one that I had not yet experienced in my life, and it has been truly awesome to connect on so many different levels... mentally, spiritually, metaphysically, at times, it seems almost quixotic. Curiously, this connection has brought to the forefront many of my other connections... friends have come out of the woodwork to tell me how happy I seem, to relate on whatever level to the abundance I have been sharing about...it's been pretty cool to see the reciprocity of positive energy, which in turn multiplies the abundance and so on. I definitely believe that the energy one puts out, attracts like energy, so if I am pinging on a positive vibe, inherently positivity seems to flow my way.
My natural inclination, when experiencing such joy and connection, is to want to share it with those closest to me...Not in a 'hey I am fucking happy nah nah nah nah nah' way, more in an exchange of energy way. Especially because I have had so many people cheer leading me through this last growth spurt, which was particularly arduous. I am truly lucky to have the kind of supportive, inspiring, kind people in my life who love me no matter what I am experiencing. When I was in those dark spots, just before the tunnel opened back up, many of them reminded me that this moment, like all others, shall pass.
There are so many amazing things about the mind space I am in right now, it is synergistic and inspiring and, for the most part, that is what I am focused on. But within this new and chimerical experience, I cannot help but stumble over that disconnect piece I mentioned earlier. This particular disconnection is not new. It has been happening with this particular person my entire life. Some moments are easier to gloss over and pretend like it is not there, others it is glaringly obvious and painful. Society would have me believe that this particular connection should be one of the strongest in my life...and for most of my life, I have tried desperately to strengthen that connection... with little success. And it is SO perplexing to me. If there is a desire to strengthen the connection (presumably, on both sides) why then is it so difficult to make that happen?
Let's get this straight, I love this person with my whole heart, and with that love comes an understanding that I will love them no matter what, right where they are... we have been through our fair share of ups and downs... we seldom vibrate on the same frequency, which is ok, but it does make things tough sometimes, and that makes me wonder... why is what I think to be one of my most primal connections such a struggle? Why would one of my few inherent connections be so painful at times? I don't have the answer to that, although I have been searching for it since this thought has come into my consciousness.
I want to understand this. I want to find a way to meet this particular person somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately, I am unsure this other person wants to meet in the middle. And, I have a little bit of guilt and anger about this disconnect... it has been going on for so long and now it has become tiresome. I am often guilty of envying people who are unconscious... like, man that seems so easy! But then, one of those unconscious people tramples on my consciousness and I am no longer envious. I am sad for them, and sometimes angry at them, and grateful for my own consciousness all at once. The optimist in me says that I need to try my best to meet these people wherever they are at, and support their process in whatever way I can. But then, I find myself in the path of their own self destruction and the realist in me wonders if it is possible to support someone who isn't aware of 'the process' to begin with...
How does one lead another to consciousness? Or, is that my ego talking? Far be it for me to propose everyone follow the path that I am on... that would be boring (and, maybe a little scary!) I just want to find a way to coexist with this particular person (and others like them). I want to love and support this person where they are at, but not at the expense of my own autonomy. I know that there are two people in this situation, and I can only own what it mine, the trouble I am having at the moment, is discerning what exactly is mine to own in this situation... So for now, I suppose the only thing I can do is to continue to be aware and to be true to myself. I am happy in my own right, and no connection or disconnection can waiver that unless I allow it.
I am grateful to all of you who share in my journey, those of you who express your love, support, empathy...Those who share your nuggets of wisdom, whispers of truth, and snippets of strength, those who challenge me to strive to the next level. I am also grateful for those moments of disconnect, so that I may truly appreciate the connections I do have, and I know that transcendence does not come from homogenization. I am a better person everyday because I am surrounded by such a vast array of illuminated souls. Thanks for encouraging me everyday in so many ways. Not all moments are filled with rainbows and unicorns, I know it is necessary to take in each one- I used to think that happiness meant complacency, now I know that growth can happen in any environment, so long as we are surrounded by the proper support to meet the challenge. <3
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Smitten
After last week's quick and discombobulated post, I am starting to grasp a little clarity. Reviewing my posts from the last couple of months, I think I am finally able to crystallize some of the work that I have been doing within myself. In the last few months I have written about anger, fear, awkwardness, confusion, and hurt. I have mentioned consciousness, the struggle to transcend to the next level, and the awareness-es I have been making along the way. I have recorded when I thought I had it all figured out, as well as when I have been knocked off my block... and in the last few weeks all of that work seems to have come together into some cohesion.
Before all of this work, I would have attributed the way I feel and the way I am thinking to some person or people in my life. This person makes me feel like shit, or that person makes me happy... people would often ask why I would stay in a particular situation that seemed so toxic for me. I had wanted every one of life's lessons to be neatly wrapped up in a box, complete with a fancy bow. I wanted everything to have some tangible explanation. Over thinking everything has always been my way of perpetuating my own illusion of control. What I have come to realize is that no one has the power to affect my thoughts and feelings unless I give it to them, and further, that I had been doing so as a sort of last line of defense, so as not to have to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and resulting actions.
This is beginning to sound like a 'that was then, this is now' kind of post... and I suppose, in a way, it is, but only as a means to record my the process... because it is not over, and as long as I am breathing, it hopefully never will be. So anyway... In the last couple of weeks I have noticed a complete 180 in myself. How I think, how I act, etc. Where there used to be heaviness and confusion, there is now a feeling of exhilaration and light. Where I was feeling tired and cumbersome, I am now feeling recharged and agile- in body and mind. And, apparently it is noticeable in real life as well...where I was beginning to tire of people telling me to smile, I find I cannot wipe the shit eating grin off my face. Several people have asked me if I am 'high', and all I can do is giggle and say yes... but this rush was not obtained through ingesting any outside chemical.
Trudgiung through the last few months I was tired and weary... I wrote about the pain and difficulty that come from gearing up for the next mental leap in consciousness, and while I lose touch with that occasionally (because, let's face it, that is easy to do) I always seem to re-engage enough to rally through whatever mental hurdle presents itself. And it's a weird thing, this process of staying conscious while the tough mental work is being done. While it is solitary in nature- meaning no one could do it for or with me, there were a few people who stayed at my periphery, reminding me at times that there was something coming on the other end of my dark and cobwebby mental tunnel- and I am so super fucking grateful for that.
So here I am, FINALLY standing at the end of that particular mental tunnel... and it is blindingly bright. The air is refreshingly crisp, everything is engaging and appealing to my senses. I imagine this to be the same sort of high that runners talk about after completing a particularly grueling race. And, without knowing it, I have emerged from the tunnel, lighter, more open and with A LOT less baggage. True to form, amazing things were waiting for me, just beyond the tunnel's opening. Acutely aware of just how wide open my heart seems to be beating, I am able to finally catch my breath and realize that the grueling regiment of introspection that has been my mental routine most of my life seems to finally be paying off (haha, of course, it has been 'paying off' all along, I just happen to be aware of the benefits in this particular moment).
As a result of all of this, I seem to have opened myself up for amazing opportunities to present themselves... (yes, those amazing opportunities have also been there all along, but I am now in a space where I can embrace those opportunities as opposed to running from them out of fear). That trite old saying about when you least expect it? Could not be more true than it is for me in this moment. Just as I neared the point of mental exhaustion, something in me rallied to get through that last leg of the mental marathon, and good fucking (insert deity of choice) has it paid off.
Most of my adult life has been spent (consciously or subconsciously) searching for a 'partner'. I have written about the hopeless romantic in me, and through all the detours, hang ups and bang ups in my life, I have somehow managed to hold on to that last little iota of idealism. Don't get me wrong, I have been through my fair share of confusion and questioning as far as all of this is concerned... I honestly did not think that the connection I craved...the partnership idea that I had in my head, the one where there were two people with different strengths, beating on similar levels at the same time in the same place, the one where communication is free flowing, where one person respects the other, the one where it is NOT about completing one another, because they are two WHOLE people sharing in each other's journey...the one where one doesn't MAKE the other happy or sad, but instead there is an exchange of support and understanding through empathy... the one that I had no vocabulary for because that exchange is inexplicable... I honestly thought that kind of connection was about as statistically probable as hitting an antelope while being struck by lightning on a snowy day in Tahiti.
Yeah, I had let go of that idea on sooooooo many levels. I had resolved to just focus on myself and forget about that idealism. And just like they say 'when you stop looking, you will find it'. It has caught me so entirely off guard, in the most blissful and beautiful way. A wiser woman than me would assess my situation as infatuation, and ya know what? I am completely okay with that... THIS. This is amazing. All I can say is that I am experiencing each moment in ways I didn't even know were possible. Each and every day my mind is blown in a fantastically beautiful way... And while I am aware that every single moment cannot be magnificent, I find myself captivated, I want to experience all the moments with her... the good ones, the tough ones, the blissful ones, growing pains, transcendence.... all of it. I want to drink it every last drop. I want to revel in the beauty of this...And while she is not the cause, she certainly has had an effect!
Last week, when I threw together the Dopamine Fiend post I mentioned that I was struggling for the words to describe how I am feeling, because this experience is so new on so many levels... nothing seemed to accurately describe what I am experiencing. One of my friends said "the word- is smitten" and you know what, she's right. I am smitten and could not be happier about it :)
Before all of this work, I would have attributed the way I feel and the way I am thinking to some person or people in my life. This person makes me feel like shit, or that person makes me happy... people would often ask why I would stay in a particular situation that seemed so toxic for me. I had wanted every one of life's lessons to be neatly wrapped up in a box, complete with a fancy bow. I wanted everything to have some tangible explanation. Over thinking everything has always been my way of perpetuating my own illusion of control. What I have come to realize is that no one has the power to affect my thoughts and feelings unless I give it to them, and further, that I had been doing so as a sort of last line of defense, so as not to have to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and resulting actions.
This is beginning to sound like a 'that was then, this is now' kind of post... and I suppose, in a way, it is, but only as a means to record my the process... because it is not over, and as long as I am breathing, it hopefully never will be. So anyway... In the last couple of weeks I have noticed a complete 180 in myself. How I think, how I act, etc. Where there used to be heaviness and confusion, there is now a feeling of exhilaration and light. Where I was feeling tired and cumbersome, I am now feeling recharged and agile- in body and mind. And, apparently it is noticeable in real life as well...where I was beginning to tire of people telling me to smile, I find I cannot wipe the shit eating grin off my face. Several people have asked me if I am 'high', and all I can do is giggle and say yes... but this rush was not obtained through ingesting any outside chemical.
Trudgiung through the last few months I was tired and weary... I wrote about the pain and difficulty that come from gearing up for the next mental leap in consciousness, and while I lose touch with that occasionally (because, let's face it, that is easy to do) I always seem to re-engage enough to rally through whatever mental hurdle presents itself. And it's a weird thing, this process of staying conscious while the tough mental work is being done. While it is solitary in nature- meaning no one could do it for or with me, there were a few people who stayed at my periphery, reminding me at times that there was something coming on the other end of my dark and cobwebby mental tunnel- and I am so super fucking grateful for that.
So here I am, FINALLY standing at the end of that particular mental tunnel... and it is blindingly bright. The air is refreshingly crisp, everything is engaging and appealing to my senses. I imagine this to be the same sort of high that runners talk about after completing a particularly grueling race. And, without knowing it, I have emerged from the tunnel, lighter, more open and with A LOT less baggage. True to form, amazing things were waiting for me, just beyond the tunnel's opening. Acutely aware of just how wide open my heart seems to be beating, I am able to finally catch my breath and realize that the grueling regiment of introspection that has been my mental routine most of my life seems to finally be paying off (haha, of course, it has been 'paying off' all along, I just happen to be aware of the benefits in this particular moment).
As a result of all of this, I seem to have opened myself up for amazing opportunities to present themselves... (yes, those amazing opportunities have also been there all along, but I am now in a space where I can embrace those opportunities as opposed to running from them out of fear). That trite old saying about when you least expect it? Could not be more true than it is for me in this moment. Just as I neared the point of mental exhaustion, something in me rallied to get through that last leg of the mental marathon, and good fucking (insert deity of choice) has it paid off.
Most of my adult life has been spent (consciously or subconsciously) searching for a 'partner'. I have written about the hopeless romantic in me, and through all the detours, hang ups and bang ups in my life, I have somehow managed to hold on to that last little iota of idealism. Don't get me wrong, I have been through my fair share of confusion and questioning as far as all of this is concerned... I honestly did not think that the connection I craved...the partnership idea that I had in my head, the one where there were two people with different strengths, beating on similar levels at the same time in the same place, the one where communication is free flowing, where one person respects the other, the one where it is NOT about completing one another, because they are two WHOLE people sharing in each other's journey...the one where one doesn't MAKE the other happy or sad, but instead there is an exchange of support and understanding through empathy... the one that I had no vocabulary for because that exchange is inexplicable... I honestly thought that kind of connection was about as statistically probable as hitting an antelope while being struck by lightning on a snowy day in Tahiti.
Yeah, I had let go of that idea on sooooooo many levels. I had resolved to just focus on myself and forget about that idealism. And just like they say 'when you stop looking, you will find it'. It has caught me so entirely off guard, in the most blissful and beautiful way. A wiser woman than me would assess my situation as infatuation, and ya know what? I am completely okay with that... THIS. This is amazing. All I can say is that I am experiencing each moment in ways I didn't even know were possible. Each and every day my mind is blown in a fantastically beautiful way... And while I am aware that every single moment cannot be magnificent, I find myself captivated, I want to experience all the moments with her... the good ones, the tough ones, the blissful ones, growing pains, transcendence.... all of it. I want to drink it every last drop. I want to revel in the beauty of this...And while she is not the cause, she certainly has had an effect!
Last week, when I threw together the Dopamine Fiend post I mentioned that I was struggling for the words to describe how I am feeling, because this experience is so new on so many levels... nothing seemed to accurately describe what I am experiencing. One of my friends said "the word- is smitten" and you know what, she's right. I am smitten and could not be happier about it :)
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Dopamine Fiend
Normally, when composing a post, I am thinking about what I want to write as a way to remember some piece of some lesson... So, most of my posts are less about feeling and more about thinking. In this moment, I have very few thoughts, in fact trying to put to words the way I am feeling right now seems almost impossible... And, I like it.
Recently, it feels as though a lot of my bullshit has melted away... I have no idea where my defenses suddenly retreated to, but they have. My thinking has slowed, and my heartbeat has quickened. I don't really even have words to describe what I am thinking or feeling aside from happy, which does the situation no justice. And it has been a 180 degree shift, that seems to have happened in 3 seconds flat. Like getting broadsided, but in a really fucking beautiful way...Each and every moment seems singular and defined, lasting for for a millisecond and eternity at once. I feel like a walking cliché, like anything I could possible say about where I am is old news to anyone with a heartbeat on the planet. I feel like a giggly, giddy, smiling, blushing 12 year old girl. And I like it.
This is not like me...in fact, I am normally the girl who makes fun of people for acting the way I am right now. Mainly because I never understood it. Because there are no words to describe this space. I have been walking around with a gigantic, dopey grin on my face for days. And I like it.
Yeah, this is uncharted territory. It's an inexplicable connection from the most unlikely direction. It's bliss. And contentment. It's that warm feeling. It's butterflies. It's excitement and newness, without fear or worry. It's my heart beating at the speed of sound. It's holding hands. It's talking and listening and experiencing. It's soft kisses and long hugs. It's being. How have I gone 30 years and NEVER experienced something like this?! Perhaps the right opportunity hadn't presented itself until now. Maybe it's just the right time. OR maybe it just IS. And I like it:)
Recently, it feels as though a lot of my bullshit has melted away... I have no idea where my defenses suddenly retreated to, but they have. My thinking has slowed, and my heartbeat has quickened. I don't really even have words to describe what I am thinking or feeling aside from happy, which does the situation no justice. And it has been a 180 degree shift, that seems to have happened in 3 seconds flat. Like getting broadsided, but in a really fucking beautiful way...Each and every moment seems singular and defined, lasting for for a millisecond and eternity at once. I feel like a walking cliché, like anything I could possible say about where I am is old news to anyone with a heartbeat on the planet. I feel like a giggly, giddy, smiling, blushing 12 year old girl. And I like it.
This is not like me...in fact, I am normally the girl who makes fun of people for acting the way I am right now. Mainly because I never understood it. Because there are no words to describe this space. I have been walking around with a gigantic, dopey grin on my face for days. And I like it.
Yeah, this is uncharted territory. It's an inexplicable connection from the most unlikely direction. It's bliss. And contentment. It's that warm feeling. It's butterflies. It's excitement and newness, without fear or worry. It's my heart beating at the speed of sound. It's holding hands. It's talking and listening and experiencing. It's soft kisses and long hugs. It's being. How have I gone 30 years and NEVER experienced something like this?! Perhaps the right opportunity hadn't presented itself until now. Maybe it's just the right time. OR maybe it just IS. And I like it:)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
FORWARD
I know a lot of people who do not give weight to astrology, passing it
off as a gimmick, but... in all actuality, it is one of THE oldest forms
of science coming going all the way back to Babylon... I have been
interested in this stuff for years... if you are interested in a deeper
look, I recommend going to this
site and getting your birth chart done. The free chart is a bit
surfacey, but a fantastic starting point... I have a gigantic text book
at home that expands on each section, it truly is fascinating.
All that being said, today is the beginning of the last time Mercury will go retrograde this year. This is the first time I have actually been aware of Mercury's retrograde before it happened in a while, so I feel at least a little prepared by virtue of awareness. When I figured this out, and realized it began on election day, I was a bit dismayed. If you don't know about Mercury in retrograde, there's a lovely little explanation here. A majority of people dread this period. Communication is confounding, things in general seem more confusing, and frustrating, and as I witnessed at my polling place this morning, electronic devices tend to go wonky... but, as the link explains, it is also a great time to re-examine.
So, with Mercury's retrograde in mind, I look at my horoscope this morning-
CAPRICORN Nov, 06, 2012
You have made a certain effort over and over again. Each time, you have failed to get the result you hoped for. Yet you keep doing it. Your friends and your family members vary in their reactions. Some think you're foolish. Some think you're being unrealistic. Some think you're wasting your time. And there is a small segment that believes you are a very positive and determined person and you will eventually get what you want. If you choose to believe any of these people - choose the last one.
I have to say, that this shit has been directly on point lately! Hahaha. Not just for what I am going through personally, but also what I see this election doing (or not doing) for our country. Some people may be singularly focused on one issue, or candidate... many are focused on one party...some are driven by their personal values, others by what's been ingrained in them, some by anger, but ALL of us, even those who choose to stick their head in the sand in ostrich-like fashion, are driven by our own personal experiences. This seems to ring true on both the micro and macro levels.
After many, many deep and exhaustive conversations with some close, trusted friends over the last few days, I will admit to feeling a bit lost and defeated. I had come to a point where I was getting back to trusting myself, and after these conversations (as loving and well intentioned as they each were), I was seriously beginning to doubt my instincts again. There are definitely people who think (although they may not say it) that I am foolish; there are certainly people who think I am often unrealistic, and the number of people who believe that my determination (or bleeding heart if you want) will eventually lead me to where I want to be, seems to be dwindling of late.
I realize that each of those viewpoints are warranted at some points... I can be a stubborn fucking bastard at times... and I constantly struggle with how high to set my life bar, but... I have to constantly remind myself that each of us has a worldview that is inherently skewed by our own experiences. There are those who believe that this struggle for consciousness I ramble on about is nothing more than another exercise in head banging... there are those who dismiss the subject completely, perhaps in an effort to avoid having to perform a cranial-rectal extraction (OR that might be a part of my own personal skew ;) there are the pragmatists, the realists, optimists and the pessimists, and there are those who are on a similar actualization path; they all offer varying viewpoints from which to draw upon... I appreciate having that sort of diversity in my inner circle.
I AM a pretty determined person, even if I occasionally lose sight of that determination in my day to day. In fact, as much as I sometimes want to just throw my hands up, wave a white flag, give up, and break down, I know that I won't, it's not in me. There will always be those people or situations that knock the wind out of my sails, that I am sure of. And I will most likely always wonder if it is on purpose or not. But, deep down, I believe people to be basically good, doing the very best they can with the resources and tools they have available. And sometimes, the only way for others to survive is by putting their heads down and plowing through, inadvertently mowing down whatever happens to be in their path. We all have the power to either take it personally, and continue exposing ourselves to that sort of destruction, picking that fresh scab every time we go back for more; OR we can choose to own ONLY what is ours... consciousness, just like fear, is contagious. They can both infect everyone... my choice, and your choice, and anyone's choice is which infection I expose myself to regularly... I prefer to be driven by consciousness, rather than fear. I am hoping that our country as a whole is moving that direction...I think that it is that kind of the determination that will lead us in the directions that we may not all necessarily want, but for sure, what we need. Happy retrograde everyone- here's to each of us taking a moment to re-examine, gathering our personal and collective determination, and moving forward.
All that being said, today is the beginning of the last time Mercury will go retrograde this year. This is the first time I have actually been aware of Mercury's retrograde before it happened in a while, so I feel at least a little prepared by virtue of awareness. When I figured this out, and realized it began on election day, I was a bit dismayed. If you don't know about Mercury in retrograde, there's a lovely little explanation here. A majority of people dread this period. Communication is confounding, things in general seem more confusing, and frustrating, and as I witnessed at my polling place this morning, electronic devices tend to go wonky... but, as the link explains, it is also a great time to re-examine.
So, with Mercury's retrograde in mind, I look at my horoscope this morning-
CAPRICORN Nov, 06, 2012
You have made a certain effort over and over again. Each time, you have failed to get the result you hoped for. Yet you keep doing it. Your friends and your family members vary in their reactions. Some think you're foolish. Some think you're being unrealistic. Some think you're wasting your time. And there is a small segment that believes you are a very positive and determined person and you will eventually get what you want. If you choose to believe any of these people - choose the last one.
I have to say, that this shit has been directly on point lately! Hahaha. Not just for what I am going through personally, but also what I see this election doing (or not doing) for our country. Some people may be singularly focused on one issue, or candidate... many are focused on one party...some are driven by their personal values, others by what's been ingrained in them, some by anger, but ALL of us, even those who choose to stick their head in the sand in ostrich-like fashion, are driven by our own personal experiences. This seems to ring true on both the micro and macro levels.
After many, many deep and exhaustive conversations with some close, trusted friends over the last few days, I will admit to feeling a bit lost and defeated. I had come to a point where I was getting back to trusting myself, and after these conversations (as loving and well intentioned as they each were), I was seriously beginning to doubt my instincts again. There are definitely people who think (although they may not say it) that I am foolish; there are certainly people who think I am often unrealistic, and the number of people who believe that my determination (or bleeding heart if you want) will eventually lead me to where I want to be, seems to be dwindling of late.
I realize that each of those viewpoints are warranted at some points... I can be a stubborn fucking bastard at times... and I constantly struggle with how high to set my life bar, but... I have to constantly remind myself that each of us has a worldview that is inherently skewed by our own experiences. There are those who believe that this struggle for consciousness I ramble on about is nothing more than another exercise in head banging... there are those who dismiss the subject completely, perhaps in an effort to avoid having to perform a cranial-rectal extraction (OR that might be a part of my own personal skew ;) there are the pragmatists, the realists, optimists and the pessimists, and there are those who are on a similar actualization path; they all offer varying viewpoints from which to draw upon... I appreciate having that sort of diversity in my inner circle.
I AM a pretty determined person, even if I occasionally lose sight of that determination in my day to day. In fact, as much as I sometimes want to just throw my hands up, wave a white flag, give up, and break down, I know that I won't, it's not in me. There will always be those people or situations that knock the wind out of my sails, that I am sure of. And I will most likely always wonder if it is on purpose or not. But, deep down, I believe people to be basically good, doing the very best they can with the resources and tools they have available. And sometimes, the only way for others to survive is by putting their heads down and plowing through, inadvertently mowing down whatever happens to be in their path. We all have the power to either take it personally, and continue exposing ourselves to that sort of destruction, picking that fresh scab every time we go back for more; OR we can choose to own ONLY what is ours... consciousness, just like fear, is contagious. They can both infect everyone... my choice, and your choice, and anyone's choice is which infection I expose myself to regularly... I prefer to be driven by consciousness, rather than fear. I am hoping that our country as a whole is moving that direction...I think that it is that kind of the determination that will lead us in the directions that we may not all necessarily want, but for sure, what we need. Happy retrograde everyone- here's to each of us taking a moment to re-examine, gathering our personal and collective determination, and moving forward.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
The Truth
In the last year and half I have often shared on here that I felt as though there was a big lesson standing in front of me, just out of my grasp. I have tried to put to words a feeling that was as indescribable as it was persistent...What I am learning is that no lesson is ever singular in nature, they are all interwoven threads that make up our daily lives- and they are ALWAYS there... the tangibility has more to do with the student being conscious than anything else. And, at least for me, I have spent most of my life constantly trying to figure it out and deal with it before the universe deems me ready for it, which is a big part of why I struggle and squirm. In fact, I will go to great lengths to see what the future holds so that I might brace myself for whatever impact there will be of things to come. I talk about letting things happen organically a lot, but talking about it and actually being still to let life unfold in that manner takes an immense amount of practice and a fucking lot of patience! So, as I am thinking this morning about how I need to write all of this down, I read my horoscope...
"The universe rarely outwits you. But since you lost your cheat-sheet this week, you're down here with the rest of us mortals. Try to look at it as a good thing; your tendency to know all the answers ahead of tine was not only obnoxious, it kept you from developing yourself or being challenged at times. Getting an honest score on life's tests will not only earn you valuable self-knowledge, it will bring you closer to the real answers, the ones that will mean something to you, unlike those you lifted straight from the book."
Well, goddamn it. That damned universe, it is always RIGHT ON FUCKING TOP OF IT!!!! That intangible lesson has been right there the whole time...oddly enough, I have many of the clues I have been picking up as well as the ones I have been choosing to ignore, documented on here. Unfortunately, I occasionally fall victim to blissful ignorance, through the beauty of shiny distraction... and anything can be a shiny distraction, if I let it. As I sit here typing, I realize there are distractions just floating in my periphery. Part of me wants to reach out and grab hold of them, so that I can squirm out of this uncomfortable corner it feels as though I have backed myself into. Part of me wants to shrug off this new-found consciousness I have about the lessons staring me down... I want to focus outward and should on people, I want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is that I have to sit in this space and fucking squirm while others bar hop their way through life, blissfully unaware of how their unconscious actions trample on other people's feelings and BAM!!!!!!!!!! There it is, the distraction trigger is cocked, and all I have to do to pull it is stay right there in outward blame mode.
The truth is, that this has nothing to do with anyone else. It NEVER DOES!!!! The only part the other people play in any situation is that he or she MAY represent an opportunity for me to bring about consciousness within myself on some issue... the choice then, becomes whether I stay with that consciousness or shift the focus to someone or something outside myself and then return to that state of supposed blissful unawareness. And, lets be honest kids, consciousness can be fucking uncomfortable. It's that fire in my belly, or the ache in my heart... It's that feeling that makes me want to run away, or check out. It's a funny thing, I wait for those conscious moments, and then when they come all I want to do is stuff that shit right back in whatever box it came from and NEVER open it again. The truth is, what I want is RARELY what I need. What I want is most always the distraction. But the distraction is the what keeps me from traversing to that next level of consciousness... and if I am truly honest, consciousness in and of itself isn't all that uncomfortable. It's just those tiny, singular moments where the mind gears up for the leap, that are the painful ones...perhaps there is truth in that saying about no pain, no gain.
I, like anybody else, find a comfort zone and want desperately to cling to it. I want to feel the warm embrace of routine, the illusion of security that I fool myself into while I think I have it all figured out. But the universe often has a cunning way of reminding me that I am never as in charge or in the know as I let myself believe. The truth is that all I know and the only person I can speak about is myself. Anything beyond that is a neurotic distraction from the present moment. Outward focus gains nothing, well except for further distracting me from opportunities to transcend. So, in stepping out of my neurotic comfort zone, I choose not to focus on the anger or hurt floating in the periphery, and instead listen to what the universe has to say... A line from a particular Pink song comes to mind; and while the entire song seems so realavant right now, this line in particular keeps standing out to me-
"It takes your breath, and it leaves a scar, but those untouched never got, never got very far..."
I feel as though I am right there, in that moment in my life. I have finally come to that point where I let it take my breath, and yep; it left a scar. But the truth about life is that both the gasp and the scar are necessary and completely worth what I gain from the experience. Avoidance was my cheat-sheet, anger my distraction, and consciousness is my resolution. So my heart may hurt, my belly might ache, but somehow I am at peace with that. I need to remember that the truth is when I make conscious choices, even if I slip back into neurosis, it doesn't have to be permanent.
"The universe rarely outwits you. But since you lost your cheat-sheet this week, you're down here with the rest of us mortals. Try to look at it as a good thing; your tendency to know all the answers ahead of tine was not only obnoxious, it kept you from developing yourself or being challenged at times. Getting an honest score on life's tests will not only earn you valuable self-knowledge, it will bring you closer to the real answers, the ones that will mean something to you, unlike those you lifted straight from the book."
Well, goddamn it. That damned universe, it is always RIGHT ON FUCKING TOP OF IT!!!! That intangible lesson has been right there the whole time...oddly enough, I have many of the clues I have been picking up as well as the ones I have been choosing to ignore, documented on here. Unfortunately, I occasionally fall victim to blissful ignorance, through the beauty of shiny distraction... and anything can be a shiny distraction, if I let it. As I sit here typing, I realize there are distractions just floating in my periphery. Part of me wants to reach out and grab hold of them, so that I can squirm out of this uncomfortable corner it feels as though I have backed myself into. Part of me wants to shrug off this new-found consciousness I have about the lessons staring me down... I want to focus outward and should on people, I want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is that I have to sit in this space and fucking squirm while others bar hop their way through life, blissfully unaware of how their unconscious actions trample on other people's feelings and BAM!!!!!!!!!! There it is, the distraction trigger is cocked, and all I have to do to pull it is stay right there in outward blame mode.
The truth is, that this has nothing to do with anyone else. It NEVER DOES!!!! The only part the other people play in any situation is that he or she MAY represent an opportunity for me to bring about consciousness within myself on some issue... the choice then, becomes whether I stay with that consciousness or shift the focus to someone or something outside myself and then return to that state of supposed blissful unawareness. And, lets be honest kids, consciousness can be fucking uncomfortable. It's that fire in my belly, or the ache in my heart... It's that feeling that makes me want to run away, or check out. It's a funny thing, I wait for those conscious moments, and then when they come all I want to do is stuff that shit right back in whatever box it came from and NEVER open it again. The truth is, what I want is RARELY what I need. What I want is most always the distraction. But the distraction is the what keeps me from traversing to that next level of consciousness... and if I am truly honest, consciousness in and of itself isn't all that uncomfortable. It's just those tiny, singular moments where the mind gears up for the leap, that are the painful ones...perhaps there is truth in that saying about no pain, no gain.
I, like anybody else, find a comfort zone and want desperately to cling to it. I want to feel the warm embrace of routine, the illusion of security that I fool myself into while I think I have it all figured out. But the universe often has a cunning way of reminding me that I am never as in charge or in the know as I let myself believe. The truth is that all I know and the only person I can speak about is myself. Anything beyond that is a neurotic distraction from the present moment. Outward focus gains nothing, well except for further distracting me from opportunities to transcend. So, in stepping out of my neurotic comfort zone, I choose not to focus on the anger or hurt floating in the periphery, and instead listen to what the universe has to say... A line from a particular Pink song comes to mind; and while the entire song seems so realavant right now, this line in particular keeps standing out to me-
"It takes your breath, and it leaves a scar, but those untouched never got, never got very far..."
I feel as though I am right there, in that moment in my life. I have finally come to that point where I let it take my breath, and yep; it left a scar. But the truth about life is that both the gasp and the scar are necessary and completely worth what I gain from the experience. Avoidance was my cheat-sheet, anger my distraction, and consciousness is my resolution. So my heart may hurt, my belly might ache, but somehow I am at peace with that. I need to remember that the truth is when I make conscious choices, even if I slip back into neurosis, it doesn't have to be permanent.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Casualties of the Mind
visceral-characterized by or proceeding from instinct rather than intellect.
I am a girl who spends a majority of the time in her head, over analyzing every. last. thing. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think. The curse is two fold, it's obsessively over thinking any and everything, be it my job or my personal life, and then staying in my head about it until I am so paralyzed by fear (real or perceived) that I am unable to make any sense of it outside of my own head... and I hate that space. Some days are worse than others... some days I almost forget how awkward I am. Other days it seems completely inescapable. It's tiring... exhausting really, but ironically it's also the source of my intermittent insomnia. I worry myself sick over mostly dumb shit that is out of my control. Mine is a monkey mind that, when left unattended can be frightening and or dangerous. Not dangerous to others... mainly dangerous to me. I hate being stuck on that hamster wheel... it's mental masturbation with no release...
I sometimes wonder, what would happen if I decided to just be. I also wonder if that is a decision I am capable of... maybe I am hardwired for awkward. Maybe I am pre-programmed to stew in my head. Maybe I skipped the line when they were handing out interpersonal skills... Or maybe there's a way to (as some have suggested to me) 'just get over it'. I want to be over it. I want to be able to converse in real time the way I pound away at a keyboard... I want the bravery I pretend to have on here in real life... Even though I think this blog has helped me articulate myself and thus be a bit more honest with myself, I also think it has enabled me to continue to hide. Take this post for example, I have written countless different drafts of this same post over the last two weeks not knowing if I will actually publish any of them...because I am stuck in the vortex of awkwardity...yeah, it's so bad I have made up a word for it. Damn it I hate when I make these kinds of realizations...
This is a majority of the reason tough bitch has been around for so long. Tough bitch helps me to hide my awkwardness behind being loud and brash and acting as if I do not care. But there are times when even tough bitch can't hide me... I am sure it's quite the sight to witness me brooding....I know there are many people in my life who wish I could just get off this loop track of regretting before I ever do anything. I know I am not the only one who does this ... I have actually attempted to talk to others about it... but generally one or both of us is so awkward about it that we change the subject and the conversation goes a different way entirely...two people bumbling on that same arduous level is agonizing. I often envy those people who can be spontaneous... who can have a conversation or type out a text or an email like it's second nature, without having to bother to re-read, re-think or revise it 42 times, which is what I do a majority of the time...Like I said, I am not in that space ALL the time, just most of it, haha. The times that I am not wandering aimlessly amongst my mind's skeletons, I am sharp, I am keen, I am on point, and I am relatively content...what a shame those moments aren't my majority! Still working to find a balance on that front. It's a slow process, so for now, I guess all I can commit to is opening my mail on a more regular basis, we shall see how that goes.
ruminate-to chew again or over and over.
In composing this post, I thought it apt to look up the dictionary definitions to my blog title. Not that I didn't know what the words meant, but as the post was coming to me, I realized the humor in the words in relation to the proceeding ramblings... I think it's amusing that I chose to put these two words together, because I RARELY do both at once... when I ruminate on things (which as you may know if you've been around here much, is pretty much ALWAYS) I am generally doing so in avoidance of some visceral reaction that is bubbling up inside me. And believe me, I am the fucking QUEEN of avoidance. I spent last night opening my mail from the last two months... why? Because I avoid opening mail like the mother fucking plague and like most matches in the game of avoidance, I finally lost this week and was forced to remove my head from my ass and deal with some elements of real life. Yep, I have issues when it comes to some forms of adulthood; toss them into pile with commitment, responsibility, and communication.
What would I do if I didn't think incessantly?! Hahaha, and now, I will proceed to think about how I think about things too much, BRILLIANT!!!!! In some of the other forms of this post, I called out specific situations... and I was pretty fucking honest. And, as is usually the case, I was pretty fucking hard on myself... after all, if I'm not- who will be?! But then, I thought about other parties involved in said situations and worried about them becoming a casualty of my blog. I try wherever possible to not use names and specifics, and in this case, it just didn't seem feasible to disguise the situations well enough... not that the other parties have anything to hide, more that it really isn't my right to call the situations out in public form. And truthfully, a lot of the catharsis that comes from this blog lies dormant in those unpublished drafts... I get what I need from them- I get whatever IT is out of my head, and I move on... or I write it out, and then ruminate and come back to it later, sometimes many, many, times over... and at some point, I come to a place where I can publish some version of whatever lesson I have been pinging on.
What would I do if I didn't think incessantly?! Hahaha, and now, I will proceed to think about how I think about things too much, BRILLIANT!!!!! In some of the other forms of this post, I called out specific situations... and I was pretty fucking honest. And, as is usually the case, I was pretty fucking hard on myself... after all, if I'm not- who will be?! But then, I thought about other parties involved in said situations and worried about them becoming a casualty of my blog. I try wherever possible to not use names and specifics, and in this case, it just didn't seem feasible to disguise the situations well enough... not that the other parties have anything to hide, more that it really isn't my right to call the situations out in public form. And truthfully, a lot of the catharsis that comes from this blog lies dormant in those unpublished drafts... I get what I need from them- I get whatever IT is out of my head, and I move on... or I write it out, and then ruminate and come back to it later, sometimes many, many, times over... and at some point, I come to a place where I can publish some version of whatever lesson I have been pinging on.
I am a girl who spends a majority of the time in her head, over analyzing every. last. thing. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think. The curse is two fold, it's obsessively over thinking any and everything, be it my job or my personal life, and then staying in my head about it until I am so paralyzed by fear (real or perceived) that I am unable to make any sense of it outside of my own head... and I hate that space. Some days are worse than others... some days I almost forget how awkward I am. Other days it seems completely inescapable. It's tiring... exhausting really, but ironically it's also the source of my intermittent insomnia. I worry myself sick over mostly dumb shit that is out of my control. Mine is a monkey mind that, when left unattended can be frightening and or dangerous. Not dangerous to others... mainly dangerous to me. I hate being stuck on that hamster wheel... it's mental masturbation with no release...
I sometimes wonder, what would happen if I decided to just be. I also wonder if that is a decision I am capable of... maybe I am hardwired for awkward. Maybe I am pre-programmed to stew in my head. Maybe I skipped the line when they were handing out interpersonal skills... Or maybe there's a way to (as some have suggested to me) 'just get over it'. I want to be over it. I want to be able to converse in real time the way I pound away at a keyboard... I want the bravery I pretend to have on here in real life... Even though I think this blog has helped me articulate myself and thus be a bit more honest with myself, I also think it has enabled me to continue to hide. Take this post for example, I have written countless different drafts of this same post over the last two weeks not knowing if I will actually publish any of them...because I am stuck in the vortex of awkwardity...yeah, it's so bad I have made up a word for it. Damn it I hate when I make these kinds of realizations...
This is a majority of the reason tough bitch has been around for so long. Tough bitch helps me to hide my awkwardness behind being loud and brash and acting as if I do not care. But there are times when even tough bitch can't hide me... I am sure it's quite the sight to witness me brooding....I know there are many people in my life who wish I could just get off this loop track of regretting before I ever do anything. I know I am not the only one who does this ... I have actually attempted to talk to others about it... but generally one or both of us is so awkward about it that we change the subject and the conversation goes a different way entirely...two people bumbling on that same arduous level is agonizing. I often envy those people who can be spontaneous... who can have a conversation or type out a text or an email like it's second nature, without having to bother to re-read, re-think or revise it 42 times, which is what I do a majority of the time...Like I said, I am not in that space ALL the time, just most of it, haha. The times that I am not wandering aimlessly amongst my mind's skeletons, I am sharp, I am keen, I am on point, and I am relatively content...what a shame those moments aren't my majority! Still working to find a balance on that front. It's a slow process, so for now, I guess all I can commit to is opening my mail on a more regular basis, we shall see how that goes.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Jameson 12 Year
So, generally I am not a fan of what comes with girl friendships- things like drama, deceit, arguments over nothing, caddy-ness, etc. That being said, I do have a hand full of super amazing women in my life. Some, I see and talk to on a regular basis, some not so regularly due to the time and distance constraints of life; but somehow I remain connected to said few. I love them all for different reasons- all of them teach me things about myself, many of them hold me accountable, love me when I am incapable of loving myself, and truly embody what I think true friendship is. Over the past couple of years, all of these women have been instrumental in helping me to work through much of what I write about on this blog, they know the details behind the posts, and- they love me in spite of my plentiful shortcomings and fuck-ups. They are a part of my journey of self discovery on an intensely deep level in their respective ways, they are the chicks in my soul tribe; and hopefully, I am some sort of similar support to them.
That being said... about a year and a half ago, I did a tandem post with fellow blogger Grateful Mamma entitled Jameson Items. The post was our attempt to commit to type a set of guidelines for what we should remember in looking for a partner. At the time of the post, we were both newly single and trying our damndest to do something different in that area of our lives. I will say, in the last year and a half I have referred back to that list countless times. But, for honesty's sake, I will also admit to ignoring it at times as well... I would venture to guess she would admit the same, and while some of the other girls in my life may not have a list committed to a public forum, I think most of us have one floating around in the back corners of our brains. In general, it is not fleshed out into words, but a general sense of what we want and how we want to be treated. The catch is that I think at various times in our lives we often ignore it for whatever shiny bright new boy (or girl) is in front of us.
As of late, this whole idea has surfaced in conversations with MANY of these said women. Some are going through break-ups, others are in happily committed relationships, and others are in relationships where the list has long since been tossed out the window. The conversations I have had in the last week continue to swing back to the same theme... Why do we do what we do? How is it that we can be completely confident and secure with what we want and what that will look and feel like, and then we start the slow process of whittling away that confidence until we are left with a shadow of what was there before? And how do we know when we have what we want VS when we are amending what we want for what is in front of us? I know many of you have been there before... maybe some of you are there now... maybe your reading this convincing yourself that you have never compromised...
Well, while I am not there in this present moment, I've been there, and for some reason, it seems like a lot of my girls are there right now. And it wrenches my gut with empathy... I hate that space, we all hate that space where it finally dawns on us that maybe, just maybe, we have been compromising ourselves, some of us for a really long time. And that point of realization FUCKING SUCKS, because with that one realization comes a ripple effect of others... what you thought you had is not really what you originally wanted, but what if what you wanted is not real... what if what you thought you wanted is unattainable...or is what you have good enough, or is it settling... how do you know if it's a forever thing... how do you keep going or how do you end it? OR how do you keep going if the other ends it?
These are all real thoughts that have at one time or another crossed my mind...and I know have crossed some of your minds too...And, while some may take me for a bitter, spiteful bitch...I am gunna reveal a big secret, (which most of you already know) at the heart of it, underneath my shield of brashness, I am a gigantic fucking softy, a hopeless romantic, and perhaps most shockingly, an eternal optimist... Plus, lets be honest, I have trial and erred my way through a lot of these scenarios in the last decade...
So, for what it's worth... after a year and a half, I would like to propose one little addendum to the Jameson Items list...
Before anything on that list can be obtained in another person, you HAVE TO get those things for yourself! If there are things about yourself that you want to work on- DO IT!!! Take what you have learned (or maybe past lessons you have ignored) and flesh that shit out! Now, don't go thinking I am high and mightily pointing a finger, because there are 10 pointed back at me, I know. I struggle with this shit all the time, but I have had countless conversations over the past few weeks with many of my girls, and I can safely say that we could ALL stand to hear this now and again, myself included. What I have come to realize is that the Jameson Items list is a reminder to me of who I need to be... that partnership thing is COMPLETELY secondary. There is no shopping for a partner, there is taking care of my shit so that there is a clear and open path for whatever to happen ORGANICALLY. The more I learn about myself, the more mental clutter I clear our of my mind, the more apt I am to make the kind of connections I am seeking...and it is all about the HUMAN connection... let that flow; label and categorize later!
I just want to say, I fucking love every last one of you. I love you for your strengths, I love you for your weaknesses (real or perceived), I love you for your victories and I love you for your failures, because we all have them. To those of you in happy, healthy relationships... thank you. You guys are the ones who keep my inner romantic alive and preaching to the rest of us, you show us that it is possible to find what we are looking for, whatever that may be for each of us. To those of you currently 'stuck' in some sort of cyclical deal with a significant other, aware of it, but confused and frustrated, and unable to make a change at the present moment- It's alright. Keep working toward it. Keep talking about, keep building the strength to do what you need to do for you, so long as you put the foot work into yourself, things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to. (Feel free to take a number and punch me later, it's okay, I can take it ;)
That being said... about a year and a half ago, I did a tandem post with fellow blogger Grateful Mamma entitled Jameson Items. The post was our attempt to commit to type a set of guidelines for what we should remember in looking for a partner. At the time of the post, we were both newly single and trying our damndest to do something different in that area of our lives. I will say, in the last year and a half I have referred back to that list countless times. But, for honesty's sake, I will also admit to ignoring it at times as well... I would venture to guess she would admit the same, and while some of the other girls in my life may not have a list committed to a public forum, I think most of us have one floating around in the back corners of our brains. In general, it is not fleshed out into words, but a general sense of what we want and how we want to be treated. The catch is that I think at various times in our lives we often ignore it for whatever shiny bright new boy (or girl) is in front of us.
As of late, this whole idea has surfaced in conversations with MANY of these said women. Some are going through break-ups, others are in happily committed relationships, and others are in relationships where the list has long since been tossed out the window. The conversations I have had in the last week continue to swing back to the same theme... Why do we do what we do? How is it that we can be completely confident and secure with what we want and what that will look and feel like, and then we start the slow process of whittling away that confidence until we are left with a shadow of what was there before? And how do we know when we have what we want VS when we are amending what we want for what is in front of us? I know many of you have been there before... maybe some of you are there now... maybe your reading this convincing yourself that you have never compromised...
Well, while I am not there in this present moment, I've been there, and for some reason, it seems like a lot of my girls are there right now. And it wrenches my gut with empathy... I hate that space, we all hate that space where it finally dawns on us that maybe, just maybe, we have been compromising ourselves, some of us for a really long time. And that point of realization FUCKING SUCKS, because with that one realization comes a ripple effect of others... what you thought you had is not really what you originally wanted, but what if what you wanted is not real... what if what you thought you wanted is unattainable...or is what you have good enough, or is it settling... how do you know if it's a forever thing... how do you keep going or how do you end it? OR how do you keep going if the other ends it?
These are all real thoughts that have at one time or another crossed my mind...and I know have crossed some of your minds too...And, while some may take me for a bitter, spiteful bitch...I am gunna reveal a big secret, (which most of you already know) at the heart of it, underneath my shield of brashness, I am a gigantic fucking softy, a hopeless romantic, and perhaps most shockingly, an eternal optimist... Plus, lets be honest, I have trial and erred my way through a lot of these scenarios in the last decade...
So, for what it's worth... after a year and a half, I would like to propose one little addendum to the Jameson Items list...
Before anything on that list can be obtained in another person, you HAVE TO get those things for yourself! If there are things about yourself that you want to work on- DO IT!!! Take what you have learned (or maybe past lessons you have ignored) and flesh that shit out! Now, don't go thinking I am high and mightily pointing a finger, because there are 10 pointed back at me, I know. I struggle with this shit all the time, but I have had countless conversations over the past few weeks with many of my girls, and I can safely say that we could ALL stand to hear this now and again, myself included. What I have come to realize is that the Jameson Items list is a reminder to me of who I need to be... that partnership thing is COMPLETELY secondary. There is no shopping for a partner, there is taking care of my shit so that there is a clear and open path for whatever to happen ORGANICALLY. The more I learn about myself, the more mental clutter I clear our of my mind, the more apt I am to make the kind of connections I am seeking...and it is all about the HUMAN connection... let that flow; label and categorize later!
I just want to say, I fucking love every last one of you. I love you for your strengths, I love you for your weaknesses (real or perceived), I love you for your victories and I love you for your failures, because we all have them. To those of you in happy, healthy relationships... thank you. You guys are the ones who keep my inner romantic alive and preaching to the rest of us, you show us that it is possible to find what we are looking for, whatever that may be for each of us. To those of you currently 'stuck' in some sort of cyclical deal with a significant other, aware of it, but confused and frustrated, and unable to make a change at the present moment- It's alright. Keep working toward it. Keep talking about, keep building the strength to do what you need to do for you, so long as you put the foot work into yourself, things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to. (Feel free to take a number and punch me later, it's okay, I can take it ;)
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