Fatal Flaw

I am mentally and physically exhausted. This business of consciousness is no joke.  Staying aware of oneself requires so much focus and energy, I am to the point of aching. That being said, I am alright. I am good with being the pile on my bedroom floor in this moment.  I am mustering the energy to lift my head and survey the pieces.  They seem to all still be here, in fact... there may be a few extra I had not been in possession of before this last shattering.  This is good.  This means that at some point I will be able to re-assemble them into a new and more beautiful form of myself.  Well, that is a relief.  My ears are still ringing from the crash and my head is still foggy.  It does always seem to come from nowhere, taking me by complete surprise.  It isn't until after the fracture that I begin to see there were in fact warnings... missed signals and clues.  I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously ignore them...maybe somewhere in the depths of my mind I know it is coming, and allow it because I know that beyond those shattered shards lies another awakening...

It's a surreal feeling to be sitting amongst the splinters and slivers, cold and alone and scared, but aware at once that this process is necessary to continue on a path of transcendence. There is a great deal of mental chatter clamoring about in my mind. It is a chaotic cacophony of which I can make little sense, I am guessing this is where the exhaustion originates. But even amongst the chaos, even amongst the anxiety, through the exhaustion and fog, I am still somehow aware that I am okay.  There is a sense of calm that leaks in when I remember that I cannot know everything at once.  That what I am experiencing is pretty much nothing more than a MONUMENTAL learning curve with regards to life.  And there is opulence in knowing I am the only one I have to explain this to.  I do not need to go into great detail as to what I am experiencing.  This moment, like all others before and after it, is impermanent... EVERYTHING is ALWAYS subject to change.  The sooner I am able to grasp this, the sooner I am able to apply this to all things in my life, including attachment, the better.

I have been learning of late about my fatal flaw... and as those things go, I guess it isn't a horrible one to have... but it is a real bitch to see it staring me in the face.  Knowing what it is and knowing how to deal with it are two totally separate things... the latter is certainly the harder piece of the equation... I am confident that the having the awareness of it will help me to eventually function with it in some sort of healthy manor as opposed to the self destruction that was born out of my prior ignorance on the matter.  So, while I am confident that progress can be made, I am presently stuck in that frustrating, uncomfortable space... you know, the one I can imagine a young Luke Skywalker to have experienced when beginning his Jedi training.  I feel like that a lot these days.  Not gunna lie, it is pretty damned humbling to once again arrive at the conclusion that I don't know shit!  And, while I have arrived at that conclusion before, I think it will keep coming up for me until I can somehow grasp it deep down in the depths of me.  How exactly that happens, I do not know.  Until then, I will keep my eyes peeled for Obi and Yoda, and hang out here, shattered, but grateful on the bedroom floor.

Goodbye, Hello

Note- I actually began this post on New Years Eve, but hadn't finished until today.


Well, as it seems, the end of 2012 is post unapocalyptically upon us.  I awoke this morning in a retrospective sort of mood... stepping in the shower I began reviewing New Year's Eves past-what was I doing this time last year? Oh. Yeah.  What about the year before that? Oh. Yep.  As I got in my car to drive to work I started thinking about this past year in particular, where I have been, what I have experienced- mentally and physically.  I get to work, check my email, and then the ever-evil, time sucking book-face. And just as I log on, there's a link in my news feed-the title intrigues me, so I click the link.....Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea...

As I am reading the post I become more interested, the ideas in here REALLY ping with me.  I posted a while back about each of us having our own beautiful disasters- and this is what I meant. So, I finish reading and hop over here to compose a post about what all that means to me, and what it made me think and what it made me feel. And then I thought, hey, maybe before I write out this year in review post I should look back through my posts from this year.  So I did...

A lot happened in 2012...I experienced many firsts...there were, as in any span of time, many ups and many downs.  But if I were to pick a resounding theme it was that I continually felt as though I were on the verge of some lesson or break through.  Toward the end of the year the lessons became clear.  I figured out that the key to any lesson lies within myself.  There are always other ways to look at any given situation... and that in and of it's self is, in my humble opinion, the single greatest beauty in life.  That is what carries me through the dark points into whatever light is waiting for me on the other side.  I am so grateful for those brief moments of clarity... those moments of consciousness... the moments when I can exhale the breath I have been holding in and take in new perspective, energy, and light.

Yes, I spent a decent amount of time lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor in 2012.  I am not ashamed, because even in those moments, or days, or months as it were, I was slowly piecing myself back together.  I was (and, still am, obviously) learning about who I am.  And, at least this time, as opposed to broken pile moments in the past, I was aware of what was happening... Sure, I was in pain, but somehow I was conscious of the fact that the pain would pass.  And it was that consciousness that allowed me to obtain peace with being in pieces.  We are all, whether we choose to admit it or not, in pieces at some point or another.  We are all fractured in some way, and society would have us believe that those things are 'bad'.  We need to be whole and pristine, is what society would have us believe, there is no room in this world for imperfection or flaw.  Well, I beg to differ.  I truly believe those fractures are what make us beautiful, those pieces are what allow us to see different sides of ourselves.  They help us gain perspective in so many ways.

So 2012, overall, was another truly fantastic year in my life...people and experiences came and went. I learned much about myself and human nature. I was able to reaffirm that I am indeed NOT in control (as much as I sometimes wish I were).  I shared some simply fantastic moments with people I love in my life, I witnessed growth and abundance in both my life and the lives of those around me.  I made mistakes, for which I am so grateful, and I learned that sometimes, letting go and giving in are not terrible things, in fact those actions can actually open the door to some REAL fucking beauty.

I will remember 2012 as the year that I fell in love.  I will remember the magic that enveloped me in that process.  The year that I finally cleared enough mental clutter to open my energy for amazing things to unfold.  I will remember 2012 for becoming truly authentic in parts of my life.  Something major shifted in me, and I am now reaping the benefits of that shift. I will remember 2012 as the year I finally threw in the towel and said, ya know what? I don't know shit, and I am TOTALLY good with that!  I will remember 2012 as the year that I finally figured out that we are ALL fucking neurotic in our own ways, and that I am only responsible for my own neurosis, as I am only responsible for what I know and who I am. 

2013 is already shaping up to be something stellar.  I couldn't possibly name or futurecast all of the abundance that will unfold this year, but I can say I look forward to the birth of my nephew, the marriage of friends, and nurturing the bond I have found with the woman I love.  In 2013, I am tasking myself with carrying this level of consciousness forward.  I am no dumby, it is going to take a lot of work, and there will certainly be difficulties, but I am excited for all of the opportunities and challenges that the new year brings...

Put a fucking bow on it.

Well, like it or not, it's here.  That time of year when many of the world's citizens rush around in a frantic frenzy, spending money and time they do not have, to buy shit for people that really don't need it- then we bring it home, wrap it in ridiculous paper, put a fucking bow on it and proudly present it as some misguided token of love and affection.  And the older I get, the more I CANNOT STAND IT.  That's right kids, I hate the fucking holidays.  Last night I talked to a friend of mine who was frustrated about her bank account being in the negative because she 'had to' buy Christmas presents.  And sadly, I get it.  So many people perpetuate the propaganda of Christmas consumerism- so and so bought for me, so I in turn have to buy for them, and so on and so on.

This has long been a point of contention for me- I do not want to buy people shit because some unwritten social nicety dictates it... don't get me wrong, I LOVE giving gifts when the feeling strikes- like when I see something that just reminds me of someone, or it makes me think 'so and so would LOVE that'.  What I am talking about is rushing around and stressing over giving a gift for the sake of giving a fucking gift.  We all have those people in our lives, the ones that have every mother fucking thing on the planet, need nothing, have no discernible interests or hobbies, and yet, we are supposed to magically pull some fantastical gift giving miracle out of our asses for fear of being judged if we don't.  And, I end up caving, EVERY FUCKING YEAR, as I have done this year. 

When I was a child, I loved Christmas.  Not because of the presents, but because of the people.  I remember the traditions, getting to see my family that I rarely got to see. Being together.  Enjoying each other's company.  Visiting nursing homes, adopting families through my girl scout troop.  Volunteering at the food pantry or soup kitchen.  That is the kind of holiday spirit I can get into. But somewhere along the lines of 'adulthood' all of that spirit got watered down and scheduled out.  Last night I felt so overwhelmed by the frantic holiday pace and schedule that I was actually too worked up to wrap the few gifts I did get for people.  I will finish what I have already begun, but I think this year for Christmas, I will  make a resolution.  In the coming year, I am going to try to celebrate the 'Christmas Spirit' in this way, all year long...I want to appreciate my life everyday... and I feel as though the best way to do that is through giving of self, NOT giving of stuff.  I am not angry, I just think we have REALLY strayed from what this season used to be about... and maybe all I can own is the I.  I have strayed from what this season means to me.  So, in an effort to come back down to earth, I need to remember that I am grateful for all of the experiences and people this past year has graced me with.  And I hope to continue on in my quest for light and consciousness.

P.S.
I realize there are some of you out there who LOVE this time of year.  And I don't hold it against you.  You are more than welcome to revel in whatever magic the holiday season brings you- enjoy it!

Quixotic Connections

It has always been my belief that we as humans crave connection.  The connection between a parent and a child. The connection between friends. The connection between lovers, coworkers, siblings, even strangers.  The dynamic of each of these connections has always been fascinating to me...I really enjoy both participating and witnessing the human experience... what is further fascinating to me are the connections that sometimes pop up between connections, and sometimes, the disconnect that can come into focus when other connections come into play.

As I related in my last post, I have recently been experiencing a new connection... one that I had not yet experienced in my life, and it has been truly awesome to connect on so many different levels... mentally, spiritually, metaphysically, at times, it seems almost quixotic.  Curiously, this connection has brought to the forefront many of my other connections... friends have come out of the woodwork to tell me how happy I seem, to relate on whatever level to the abundance I have been sharing about...it's been pretty cool to see the reciprocity of positive energy, which in turn multiplies the abundance and so on.  I definitely believe that the energy one puts out, attracts like energy, so if I am pinging on a positive vibe, inherently positivity seems to flow my way.

My natural inclination, when experiencing such joy and connection, is to want to share it with those closest to me...Not in a  'hey I am fucking happy nah nah nah nah nah' way, more in an exchange of energy way.  Especially because I have had so many people cheer leading me through this last growth spurt, which was particularly arduous.  I am truly lucky to have the kind of supportive, inspiring, kind people in my life who love me no matter what I am experiencing.  When I was in those dark spots, just before the tunnel opened back up, many of them reminded me that this moment, like all others, shall pass.

There are so many amazing things about the mind space I am in right now, it is synergistic and inspiring and, for the most part, that is what I am focused on.  But within this new and chimerical experience, I cannot help but stumble over that disconnect piece I mentioned earlier.  This particular disconnection is not new.  It has been happening with this particular person my entire life.  Some moments are easier to gloss over and pretend like it is not there, others it is glaringly obvious and painful.  Society would have me believe that this particular connection should be one of the strongest in my life...and for most of my life, I have tried desperately to strengthen that connection... with little success.  And it is SO perplexing to me.  If there is a desire to strengthen the connection (presumably, on both sides) why then is it so difficult to make that happen?

Let's get this straight, I love this person with my whole heart, and with that love comes an understanding that I will love them no matter what, right where they are... we have been through our fair share of ups and downs... we seldom vibrate on the same frequency, which is ok, but it does make things tough sometimes, and that makes me wonder... why is what I think to be one of my most primal connections such a struggle?  Why would one of my few inherent connections be so painful at times?  I don't have the answer to that, although I have been searching for it since this thought has come into my consciousness.

I want to understand this. I want to find a way to meet this particular person somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately, I am unsure this other person wants to meet in the middle.  And, I have a little bit of guilt and anger about this disconnect... it has been going on for so long and now it has become tiresome.  I am often guilty of envying people who are unconscious... like, man that seems so easy! But then, one of those unconscious people tramples on my consciousness and I am no longer envious. I am sad for them, and sometimes angry at them, and grateful for my own consciousness all at once.  The optimist in me says that I need to try my best to meet these people wherever they are at, and support their process in whatever way I can.  But then, I find myself in the path of their own self destruction and the realist in me wonders if it is possible to support someone who isn't aware of 'the process' to begin with...

How does one lead another to consciousness?  Or, is that my ego talking? Far be it for me to propose everyone follow the path that I am on... that would be boring (and, maybe a little scary!) I just want to find a way to coexist with this particular person (and others like them).  I want to love and support this person where they are at, but not at the expense of my own autonomy.  I know that there are two people in this situation, and I can only own what it mine, the trouble I am having at the moment, is discerning what exactly is mine to own in this situation... So for now, I suppose the only thing I can do is to continue to be aware and to be true to myself.  I am happy in my own right, and no connection or disconnection can waiver that unless I allow it.

I am grateful to all of you who share in my journey, those of you who express your love, support, empathy...Those who share your nuggets of wisdom, whispers of truth, and snippets of strength, those who challenge me to strive to the next level. I am also grateful for those moments of disconnect, so that I may truly appreciate the connections I do have, and I know that transcendence does not come from homogenization. I am a better person everyday because I am surrounded by such a vast array of illuminated souls.  Thanks for encouraging me everyday in so many ways.  Not all moments are filled with rainbows and unicorns, I know it is necessary to take in each one- I used to think that happiness meant complacency, now I know that growth can happen in any environment, so long as we are surrounded by the proper support to meet the challenge. <3

Smitten

After last week's quick and discombobulated post, I am starting to grasp a little clarity.  Reviewing my posts from the last couple of months, I think I am finally able to crystallize some of the work that I have been doing within myself.  In the last few months I have written about anger, fear, awkwardness, confusion, and hurt.  I have mentioned consciousness, the struggle to transcend to the next level, and the awareness-es I have been making along the way.  I have recorded when I thought I had it all figured out, as well as when I have been knocked off my block... and in the last few weeks all of that work seems to have come together into some cohesion.

Before all of this work, I would have attributed the way I feel and the way I am thinking to some person or people in my life.  This person makes me feel like shit, or that person makes me happy... people would often ask why I would stay in a particular situation that seemed so toxic for me.  I had wanted every one of life's lessons to be neatly wrapped up in a box, complete with a fancy bow. I wanted everything to have some tangible explanation.  Over thinking everything has always been my way of perpetuating my own illusion of control.  What I have come to realize is that no one has the power to affect my thoughts and feelings unless I give it to them, and further, that I had been doing so as a sort of last line of defense, so as not to have to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and resulting actions.

This is beginning to sound like a 'that was then, this is now' kind of post... and I suppose, in a way, it is, but only as a means to record my the process... because it is not over, and as long as I am breathing, it hopefully never will be.  So anyway... In the last couple of weeks I have noticed a complete 180 in myself.  How I think, how I act, etc.  Where there used to be heaviness and confusion, there is now a feeling of exhilaration and light.  Where I was feeling tired and cumbersome, I am now feeling recharged and agile- in body and mind.  And, apparently it is noticeable in real life as well...where I was beginning to tire of people telling me to smile, I find I cannot wipe the shit eating grin off my face. Several people have asked me if I am 'high', and all I can do is giggle and say yes... but this rush was not obtained through ingesting any outside chemical.

Trudgiung through the last few months I was tired and weary... I wrote about the pain and difficulty that come from gearing up for the next mental leap in consciousness, and while I lose touch with that occasionally (because, let's face it, that is easy to do) I always seem to re-engage enough to rally through whatever mental hurdle presents itself.  And it's a weird thing, this process of staying conscious while the tough mental work is being done.  While it is solitary in nature- meaning no one could do it for or with me, there were a few people who stayed at my periphery, reminding me at times that there was something coming on the other end of my dark and cobwebby mental tunnel- and I am so super fucking grateful for that.

So here I am, FINALLY standing at the end of that particular mental tunnel... and it is blindingly bright.  The air is refreshingly crisp, everything is engaging and appealing to my senses.  I imagine this to be the same sort of high that runners talk about after completing a particularly grueling race.  And, without knowing it, I have emerged from the tunnel, lighter, more open and with A LOT less baggage.  True to form, amazing things were waiting for me, just beyond the tunnel's opening.  Acutely aware of just how wide open my heart seems to be beating, I am able to finally catch my breath and realize that the grueling regiment of introspection that has been my mental routine most of my life seems to finally be paying off (haha, of course, it has been 'paying off' all along, I just happen to be aware of the benefits in this particular moment). 

As a result of all of this, I seem to have opened myself up for amazing opportunities to present themselves... (yes, those amazing opportunities have also been there all along, but I am now in a space where I can embrace those opportunities as opposed to running from them out of fear).  That trite old saying about when you least expect it? Could not be more true than it is for me in this moment.  Just as I neared the point of mental exhaustion, something in me rallied to get through that last leg of the mental marathon, and good fucking (insert deity of choice) has it paid off.

Most of my adult life has been spent (consciously or subconsciously) searching for a 'partner'.  I have written about the hopeless romantic in me, and through all the detours, hang ups and bang ups in my life, I have somehow managed to hold on to that last little iota of idealism.  Don't get me wrong, I have been through my fair share of confusion and questioning as far as all of this is concerned... I honestly did not think that the connection I craved...the partnership idea that I had in my head, the one where there were two people with different strengths, beating on similar levels at the same time in the same place, the one where communication is free flowing, where one person respects the other, the one where it is NOT about completing one another, because they are two WHOLE people sharing in each other's journey...the one where one doesn't MAKE the other happy or sad, but instead there is an exchange of support and understanding through empathy... the one that I had no vocabulary for because that exchange is inexplicable... I honestly thought that kind of connection was about as statistically probable as hitting an antelope while being struck by lightning on a snowy day in Tahiti.

Yeah, I had let go of that idea on sooooooo many levels.  I had resolved to just focus on myself and forget about that idealism.  And just like they say 'when you stop looking, you will find it'.  It has caught me so entirely off guard, in the most blissful and beautiful way.  A wiser woman than me would assess my situation as infatuation, and ya know what? I am completely okay with that... THIS. This is amazing.  All I can say is that I am experiencing each moment in ways I didn't even know were possible.  Each and every day my mind is blown in a fantastically beautiful way... And while I am aware that every single moment cannot be magnificent, I find myself captivated, I want to experience all the moments with her... the good ones, the tough ones, the blissful ones, growing pains, transcendence.... all of it.  I want to drink it every last drop.  I want to revel in the beauty of this...And while she is not the cause, she certainly has had an effect!

Last week, when I threw together the Dopamine Fiend post I mentioned that I was struggling for the words to describe how I am feeling, because this experience is so new on so many levels... nothing seemed to accurately describe what I am experiencing.  One of my friends said "the word- is smitten" and you know what, she's right. I am smitten and could not be happier about it :)

Dopamine Fiend

Normally, when composing a post, I am thinking about what I want to write as a way to remember some piece of some lesson... So, most of my posts are less about feeling and more about thinking.  In this moment, I have very few thoughts, in fact trying to put to words the way I am feeling right now seems almost impossible... And, I like it. 

Recently, it feels as though a lot of my bullshit has melted away... I have no idea where my defenses suddenly retreated to, but they have. My thinking has slowed, and my heartbeat has quickened.  I don't really even have words to describe what I am thinking or feeling aside from happy, which does the situation no justice. And it has been a 180 degree shift, that seems to have happened in 3 seconds flat. Like getting broadsided, but in a really fucking beautiful way...Each and every moment seems singular and defined, lasting for for a millisecond and eternity at once. I feel like a walking cliché, like anything I could possible say about where I am is old news to anyone with a heartbeat on the planet. I feel like a giggly, giddy, smiling, blushing 12 year old girl. And I like it.

This is not like me...in fact, I am normally the girl who makes fun of people for acting the way I am right now. Mainly because I never understood it. Because there are no words to describe this space. I have been walking around with a gigantic, dopey grin on my face for days. And I like it.

Yeah, this is uncharted territory. It's an inexplicable connection from the most unlikely direction. It's bliss. And contentment. It's that warm feeling. It's butterflies. It's excitement and newness, without fear or worry. It's my heart beating at the speed of sound. It's holding hands. It's talking and listening and experiencing. It's soft kisses and long hugs. It's being. How have I gone 30 years and NEVER experienced something like this?! Perhaps the right opportunity hadn't presented itself until now. Maybe it's just the right time. OR maybe it just IS. And I like it:)

FORWARD

I know a lot of people who do not give weight to astrology, passing it off as a gimmick, but... in all actuality, it is one of THE oldest forms of science coming going all the way back to Babylon... I have been interested in this stuff for years... if you are interested in a deeper look, I recommend going to this site and getting your birth chart done.  The free chart is a bit surfacey, but a fantastic starting point... I have a gigantic text book at home that expands on each section, it truly is fascinating.

All that being said, today is the beginning of the last time Mercury will go retrograde this year.  This is the first time I have actually been aware of Mercury's retrograde before it happened in a while, so I feel at least a little prepared by virtue of awareness. When I figured this out, and realized it began on election day, I was a bit dismayed.  If you don't know about Mercury in retrograde, there's a lovely little explanation here.  A majority of people dread this period. Communication is confounding, things in general seem more confusing, and frustrating, and as I witnessed at my polling place this morning, electronic devices tend to go wonky... but, as the link explains, it is also a great time to re-examine.  

So, with Mercury's retrograde in mind, I look at my horoscope this morning-

CAPRICORN Nov, 06, 2012
You have made a certain effort over and over again. Each time, you have failed to get the result you hoped for. Yet you keep doing it. Your friends and your family members vary in their reactions. Some think you're foolish. Some think you're being unrealistic. Some think you're wasting your time. And there is a small segment that believes you are a very positive and determined person and you will eventually get what you want. If you choose to believe any of these people - choose the last one.

I have to say, that this shit has been directly on point lately! Hahaha.  Not just for what I am going through personally, but also what I see this election doing (or not doing) for our country.  Some people may be singularly focused on one issue, or candidate... many are focused on one party...some are driven by their personal values, others by what's been ingrained in them, some by anger, but ALL of us, even those who choose to stick their head in the sand in ostrich-like fashion, are driven by our own personal experiences.  This seems to ring true on both the micro and macro levels.

After many, many deep and exhaustive conversations with some close, trusted friends over the last few days, I will admit to feeling a bit lost and defeated.  I had come to a point where I was getting back to trusting myself, and after these conversations (as loving and well intentioned as they each were), I was seriously beginning to doubt my instincts again.  There are definitely people who think (although they may not say it) that I am foolish; there are certainly people who think I am often unrealistic, and the number of people who believe that my determination (or bleeding heart if you want) will eventually lead me to where I want to be, seems to be dwindling of late.

I realize that each of those viewpoints are warranted at some points... I can be a stubborn fucking bastard at times... and I constantly struggle with how high to set my life bar, but... I have to constantly remind myself that each of us has a worldview that is inherently skewed by our own experiences.  There are those who believe that this struggle for consciousness I ramble on about is nothing more than another exercise in head banging... there are those who dismiss the subject completely, perhaps in an effort to avoid having to perform a cranial-rectal extraction (OR that might be a part of my own personal skew ;) there are the pragmatists, the realists, optimists and the pessimists, and there are those who are on a similar actualization path;  they all offer varying viewpoints from which to draw upon... I appreciate having that sort of diversity in my inner circle.

I AM a pretty determined person, even if I occasionally lose sight of that determination in my day to day.  In fact, as much as I sometimes want to just throw my hands up, wave a white flag, give up, and break down, I know that I won't, it's not in me.  There will always be those people or situations that knock the wind out of my sails, that I am sure of.  And I will most likely always wonder if it is on purpose or not.  But, deep down, I believe people to be basically good, doing the very best they can with the resources and tools they have available.  And sometimes, the only way for others to survive is by putting their heads down and plowing through, inadvertently mowing down whatever happens to be in their path.  We all have the power to either take it personally, and continue exposing ourselves to that sort of destruction, picking that fresh scab every time we go back for more; OR we can choose to own ONLY what is ours... consciousness, just like fear, is contagious.  They can both infect everyone... my choice, and your choice, and anyone's choice is which infection I expose myself to regularly... I prefer to be driven by consciousness, rather than fear.  I am hoping that our country as a whole is moving that direction...I think that it is that kind of the determination that will lead us in the directions that we may not all necessarily want, but for sure, what we need.  Happy retrograde everyone- here's to each of us taking a moment to re-examine, gathering our personal and collective determination, and moving forward.